Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Alright Lord, I Hear You Loud and Clear

Funny guy, that God. He has no qualms with telling me how it is when I ask. I just have to get the gall to ask and then face myself and swallow that pride.

Have I ever mentioned to you that I have an abnormally large pride? You could more than gag on that sucker. It's sure got some kick on the way down too!

So, if you haven't noticed over the past weeks, my posts have been a bit less frequent than usual. Sure they keep coming most of the time, but I enjoy posting most days if I can. It's fun. It's me. It's an escape.

Tonight I was having some time with my Lord. I was going to read a book that is of the spiritual variety, but instead I grabbed up the Bible and started perusing instead. Then, near the start of my reading I decided for some reason to write out a question...sort of like a purpose or goal for this time. My heart has been focused on finding what things are keeping me from deeper relationship with Him. My question:

"Jesus, what would you have me change?"

This question defies legalism and therefore I will not get myself into trouble. When the things that I am pondering are given by Him, they are surely what I should be doing no matter what any man would say.

His answer, "Turn from sin and your wicked ways."

Well, then I of course ask the next question, "What are my wicked ways Lord?" Because I will tell you without lack of humility that mine, as probably many of yours, are not as obvious. I am not out murdering or participating in clearly forbidden acts.

So then as I pondered a list formed for me.

Words that come out of my mouth
Empathy/love is lacking
Reverence for/toward God

Ouch. That's a long list. A list that I DID know about, but didn't really want to face. A list that I needed none the less. So, lets break it down for you...

Entertainment, this one is the way I spend my time. I started to write "free time" but then realized that I let some things creep in and snatch up time that would be spent on other things. Can I ask you something? Do you spend as much time with God as you would like to be able to claim? Didn't think so (I'm going to ignore the few of you that are perfect). And on to the next question. What is the number one excuse you give for not doing it? If you are like me, it is somewhere along the lines of "I just don't have enough time/energy" or something like that. Am I right? Please excuse me from major embarrassment if you do not agree, but I will be vulnerable enough to continue in honesty with you.

Often that is my excuse. That or, quite frankly, lack of interest. It is easier to read a book on the topic of spirituality than to spend time with God at times. I would say for me that is because it is easy to put part of me into a topical book. I don't have to concentrate fully if I don't want to. My mind can wander and I can still get most of the point. But God requires more. He requires ALL of me. He commands my FULL attention.

Have you ever noticed that when you are reading His word it's easy to get lost and have to read a passage over and over again? Perhaps not, but I sure do find it to be true for me. Being with someone of such Majesty and overwhelming Perfection requires much. I feel such a failure. I mean, think about it.

I am given the gift that so many would have loved to have. I (and you) am able to spend time with GOD. Do you realize the significance of that? Do I? I am so spoiled by His willingness to listen to me and talk with me that I don't appreciate it at all. I am a teenager that is oblivious to the wisdom at my fingertips. I am far from grasping the magnitude of what my Father has done for me and how much He loves me. And look back in these words at all the times I typed "I".

So, I am not busy. I am filling my time with things that don't matter. I am going somewhere other than God to fill my needs of relaxation and self. I am filling my life with Facebook, blogging, and e-mail. Okay, so blogging is first on that list. But what does that mean?

I think that it means conviction is not a four letter word, but it sure feels like one.

Tonight, after I spent some time with Him, I got online to check in really quick. It's hard to keep up with a lot of the people I like to read about sometimes. What did I get? Blam! Blasted from above. Lightning if you will =) sorry if that is offensive to anyone...not my intention.

Not only have I been getting conviction about my online time from multiple sources in daily reading, but then add Laurel's post today, which refers me to this post, and this post.

Okay Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Now what?

I know where this is going in some ways, but I will spare you for today. That was a long enough post.

To be continued...tomorrow...

(Which is also Curly's birthday. Hmmm...)


Laurel said...

Great post! Thanks for the heartfelt honesty.

I love your insights into how/why people find it easier to read a book about God, than to spend time with God, Himself. Great stuff!

Even if God is calling you to rearrange your priorities ... I hope He doesn't tell you to stop blogging. :) You are a great writer, with lots to offer. And, as I said in my post today, God can and does use blogging for ministry ... which is a GOOD thing.


Laurel :)

Vicky said...

I really really really love that God often chooses to teach the two of us the same things at the same time. This internal yard work of pulling weeds and planting flowers in my life is far more pleasant with you nearby :)

Stefanie said...

Great post! I really feel like I can relate to you.