A Word on Love from the LORD

So, it is morning time.  My children are in bed sleeping and I am quietly drinking my warm cup of coffee.  Today the LORD roused me a bit later than yesterday.  Yesterday I asked, "Are YOU serious LORD?  You want me to get up this early?  Surely the baby just needed to eat extra early and I can go back to bed for a little while..."  But He said that indeed He wanted me to stay up and have time with Him.  And I did.

Yesterday the He gave me some great words.  He told me some very important things that included a call that is very long term.  One of my lifelong callings.  You know, the kind of mission that the LORD gives you that will not be finished in a year or even five, a mission that you are to walk out for an extended period of time...  Anyway, it was a morning that left me thanking Him for the very early wakening and I almost felt as though I would have liked more time.  Not because there was more to hear, more to do.  Just because it's nice to sit out in the quiet with Him longer sometimes.

But I know myself.  I know that I do not like to keep up with getting up in the early morning even though I know why it is the best time of day to do it for me.

And I am going to take a second here to explain that because I used to think it was just some rule that someone added saying that you should start your day with the LORD because your day will go better.  Now, that might be true sometimes, but getting up in the morning to spend time with Him is not something you should do.  Should is a word that means something is done out of the wrong heart.  Should will get in the way of you growing a deep love for the LORD every single time, so please do right by yourself and God by letting go of every single should that you have regarding Him.  Trust me, if you seek Him then He will bring you back to most of those "should"s later, but your heart will be right about it.  And as I was saying, your day will often go well if you spend time with Him in the morning, but that's not why I think it's important.  For one thing, that has a ME attitude.  It is about what God can do for me...and that's not what it is about.  Have you ever noticed how your mind is more in tune with spiritual things at night when you sleep?  There is a lot of "noise" in your life that can drown out the things of God, the things of spiritual nature.  At night, things slow down and you are not on hyper-stimulus mode, this opens up some room for your ears to actually hear what is going on in the spiritual.  So, in the morning, I find that I am more open and can hear God more clearly because I'm more "clear".  The waters of my mind and spirit are clear and calm, ready for God to make the first waves.  And then...well, then those waves are what directs the rest of the day.  Does that make sense?

Okay, so back to the fact that I have shown myself to be lazy sometimes...today it was an hour later than yesterday when I woke.  I looked at the clock and said, "Are you serious LORD?!  That can't possibly be enough time!"  HA!  Isn't that just like a human being too?  We aren't happy with anything =)  So, I got up and made my coffee and started praying over the time we were about to have together and I asked God to give me a stronger love for Him.  I said something about having a taste of great hunger for Him and how I know that it is easy for that to dissipate and asked Him to grow that hunger for Him ten-fold.  Strangely, He stopped me.  I felt a disconnect in the prayer and I'm not sure if that makes sense to you, but I knew He wasn't pleased with that.

"WHAT?!  LORD, what can be wrong with that?  What don't you like there?  I am asking you to grow my love for you...I don't understand."

You know what He said?  He said, you are thinking in thoughts that are focused on YOU.  He then said, "Out of commitment, real love grows."  (Yes, I see how that sounds Yoda-ish...talk to God about that, not me.)  He said that love is a choice, which I know.  Then he quickened my heart to think of Ana as an example.  We did not have true love for her before we met her, and even after we brought her home we were still in the beginning stages of love with her.  We made a commitment to be her parents before we loved her and we acted out that commitment, but love didn't come right away.  I guess love did come right away because love was that act.  Love was being what she needed before we felt connected with her.  Love was action based on choice, not feelings.  And then the feelings came.  And feelings that grow out of an uncomfortable act are very deep.

Just remember, if you make a choice to love God, don't do it because you should.

Hearing God's Voice- My Story

I have been reading the comments on the previous post and want to thank those that have shared.  I appreciate your sharing!  If you haven't read that post, you might want to read it first.

I told you that I would share with you part of my story and experience learning to listen and hear from the Lord.  Before I get into the details I want to restate what I mentioned in the last post.  I believe that each person is unique and has their own relationship with the Lord.  We are individuals and our God is creative and limitless.  Just as I speak to each of the people in my life differently, it's likely that the way He speaks to me is different (be that by a lot or a little) than the way in which He speaks to, or will speak to you.  It's more that I thought it would be good to have examples for a frame of reference.  Sharing our experience can help others to grow in their relationship with God, just like sharing an experience from your marriage or parenting could help someone in a different family, with different relationships, take something away that would be beneficial to their situation.  My experiences do not dictate what theirs will look like, but might give inspiration or a starting direction.  It might be that the only effect is to remind eachother of how exciting it can be to really live on God's path and to hear from Him.  Because, really, how awesome is it that we even have that privilege?  GOD wants to talk with me?  It's easy to forget how crazy that really is!

Where to start?  The Bible.  That's my opinion of course, but I am pretty sure that most of us would agree on that point.  God gave us written words.  Words that we cannot mistake for someone other than God.  Words that are truth and alive.  I've heard a few times, "I just wish that God would talk to me in a big loud voice so that I KNOW that it's Him and not my own thoughts!" ...or something similar.  Well, we don't have to question anything in God's word.  We know how to read.  We know what the words on the page say, and He told us that they are truth.  If we believe Him, then we believe scripture.

Forever and ever, no matter how far I grow in my relationship with the Lord, no matter how confident I become in hearing His voice, I KNOW that if something in scripture doesn't match up- the scripture is the truth and what I heard is not from God.  The Bible is always there to be used as a confirmation.  I know that all things should go through the filter of scripture and that's why it is so important for me to have a regular time reading and studying it.  I love how God uses His word and has shown me that it is alive.  Let me share deeper on that.

When I began seeking a different kind of relationship with Him, I was looking for a specific change.  I wanted it to be truth when I said that I follow Jesus.  When I say that I am following my friend to find a location that I have never been to, that person is leading.  I'm not making the decisions, I'm just going where I'm told (or in this case shown) to go.  I felt like my life should be like that with God.  I still feel like it should be way more like that by the way, but I have to remind myself all the time that I am in progress.  I lack grace for myself and want to throw me away when I'm not perfect.  (Good thing God doesn't feel that way and He saves me from myself.)  So, anyway, I was asking God to show me how to do that.  How am I supposed to follow You like that?  How can I say that I give You my whole life and then still dictate where and how I go?  I feel like I am trying to ask You for advice on what to do with the situations that I brought myself to (be they positive or difficult), instead of being led to every circumstance that I find myself in.

The logical place to start was by reading my Bible regularly and praying.  Before I started to hear His voice outside of scripture, I started to hear Him there.  I learned more of what He was like and I had a spot to go everyday.  Most of the time, my reading is just where I left off the day before.  Often that includes a couple of different areas, but it's not a jump around thing.  It's a "set" place where I go.  The AWESOME thing about this is that it gives me such confidence is God and how truly amazing He is.  Time after time, the words that I read fit perfectly with something that I needed to hear or that gives instruction.  And it can't be chance when it's the same area I've been reading for so long.  How stinking beautiful is it that He KNOWS where I am going to be reading in three weeks and He KNOWS what I am going to be wondering or questioning or going through, and He KNOWS what I will need to hear...and then His Spirit makes it jump right off the page to fill the questions in my heart and mind?!?  Seriously.  If a man could do that, you can bet that people all over would know about it.  Word would spread quickly.  How HUGE is God, how AWESOME that He can do things like that!

As time passed a bit in my reading, I was guided to change some things in my life.  We were not doing things that were particularly bad, just had some things that were cluttering our lives with things that were not beneficial.  I want my life to be about God, not about having God in it.  We decided as a family to let go of our television.  It was something that took up lots of time and we didn't even like most of the shows we watched.  We felt like there were plenty of things there that didn't look pleasing to God, and we weren't huge TV addicts.  There were books that got let go of, movies that went bye bye, and computer time was cut.  This wasn't a choice of legalistic things, it was just what we felt like God was asking our family to let go of.  There were some other things too, but I can't remember all of the changes we made at that time.

The result- quiet.  Our home was more peaceful.  We had more time on our hands.  When we started this change, we weren't sure what we would fill that time with.  Now Handsome and I have commented to each other how we don't know how we could waste all that time on something we didn't even really like doing that much.  Clutter was removed from our lives that was making it harder to hear from the Lord.  It was like we had been in a forest near a stream and couldn't hear the water flowing because of a logging project going on right next to us.  When the loggers left, the peaceful sound of the stream was clear and it was easier to hear it flowing over the rocks.  Instead of straining to hear it, the stream actually became quite loud.

I began a journal during my quiet time with the Lord.  This was probably when the biggest change took place, though if I hadn't started with the ground work, I doubt the journal would have made that much difference.  My journal helps in a few ways.  First, God doesn't always answer questions right away.  Sometimes He will answer a few days later, or even a week or more.  Going back and looking at the answers to questions that I have written is a good way to remember God's faithfulness.  Second, it helps me to remember and keep track of things.  Verses that stand out to me get written down and often I don't know why they stood out until later on down the road.  He often speaks to me in words.  Sometimes, I ask a question and then get an answer right away.  Sometimes, when I'm just sitting there listening to Him, He will say something...I write it down.  Then, I can see if it is confirmed with scripture because I have the words right there.  The specifics of the words are often very important and the things that are said have great meaning based on the specific wording used.  It's important to me that I have this written down so that I can look back at the exact words.  Third, it keeps me focused.  Somehow, when I am writing things down during our time together it keeps me focused.  I'm less likely to get distracted when journaling.

I want to stop here and remind you that this is ONLY and account of how things have happened for me.  This isn't the way everyone's time with God will look like and it's not a way that would work for everyone.  It's just how things have developed for me.  Some people might even have issues with something that I did or do.  I just want to remind you of these things and say that whether it was a good or bad method, I did learn and grow a lot through this time and process.  God takes a willing heart and leads it to closeness with Him.  It's about the true desire of the heart to know God and find His will, not about specific steps taken to make that progress.

When I started my journal, it would often look the same.  I started with the date, followed by any questions that I had for the Lord.  Then I would tell Him that I was open to whatever He had to say to me.  I knew that if it was time for any of the questions to receive answer, He would speak to those things.  If not, I wasn't going to complain at all.  I just wanted to hear from Him, to know what He wanted to say to me.  I would also write thanks and praise, and I know that very frequently I would tell Him that I just wanted Him to teach me to love Him more.  That I knew that my ability to love Him was something that only He could provide my incapable human heart.  This time does not often include prayer requests, though I write them from time to time or talk to Him about particular ones that are heavy on my heart.  I feel that prayers of asking are something that I like to keep more separate.  I want this time to be about developing a relationship and dialogue, not asking Him for things.  If something is heavy on my heart, it would most likely be shared anyway.  My tears and fears will be spoken.

I write those things down so they are not pressing on my mind in worry that I will forget something.  I lay it all out from the start and then just sit and listen.  I wait to see what He will say to me.  Quite often, His words start with things that are not listed.  It could be things from a day or two ago that haven't been answered yet, or it could be something that doesn't have anything to do with thoughts I had been thinking at all.  I'll give you an example.

5/31/09
...The spider
You fear the spider when it's harmless and even helpful because you fear just a few of it's kind.  Most are busy about their work, doing just what they were created to do.


I seek control rather than living in faith and trust.  When most things (bee, spider, etc.) will not come near harming me.  I seek to kill all of them because they give me feelings of lack of control...and fear of pain.


Give up more control...

This was just a short part of an entry.  I was sitting and a spider caught my eye.  God said "The spider".  That's all He said at first and then when I wrote the words "the spider" down, the rest just came flowing out.  Thus began a great work that God has been doing in my heart by way of fear (which has been a HUGE setback in my life) and control.  There is still a LOT of work to be done here, but even if other people don't see it, I know that much has changed in this area for me over the last year.  Control and fear were things that I knew were issues for me, but I chose to look away from them.

After I write down any words I've heard and have time just being quiet before the Lord, often just experiencing Him and His presence, then I spend time reading God's word.  Most often, things that were spoken that I didn't already know were an issue that wasn't in line with God would be confirmed in scripture that day (because things like fear and control didn't need confirmation each time, I know those aren't of God because of daily reading...they're easily recognized as something God wouldn't want to be part of my life).  Often this will be words that are part of the reading, or concepts.  There are specifics that stand out to confirm what God just said.  Sometimes it comes in a few days time.  Especially in the early times, it was counted as my head unless God gave confirmation.  I tried to look for an example to show you, but none of the ones I found were things I could share here because I just feel they are too personal for the great web.  I do want to stress that I feel that confirmation is very important, especially while in the early stages of learning to discern His voice.

The more I have that time of listening and getting confirmation, first through scripture and then later through the fulfilling of things He said, confidence grows.  I am always aware that I can be wrong, or that I may not have understood clearly what God meant with what He said (hence the specific words in the journal).  While that can discourage me for a little while, I also know that it's just part of the process.  I'm not perfect and I never will be.  Being wrong sometimes keeps humility in the picture and holds back pride, so I even find it good for me.  What brings humility never feels good, but the effect of humility is always great.  God draws close to the humble.  Wrong = uncomfortable dose of humility = God draws closer and I can know Him better.  It's worth the cost.

I may share more with you at another time, but I feel this is enough for right now.


Please know that I have just shared quite a bit of detail about something that is very deep and private for me.  These are details that haven't been shared with very many people and it's letting you see inside a very personal part of my life.  I am open to any voices of differing opinion and/or guidance, I just ask that you state any things of that nature in a kind way.  Realize that this is my relationship with my Lord and any criticism is not of my theology or religion, but of my interactions with Him personally.  It's very different than making a sharp comment about a person's stance on something like the trinity, or their choice of denomination.  Please keep that in mind with the tone of any comments.

I also hope to continue hearing from more of you about your personal experiences here.

Today's Thoughts...Which Apparently Requires Lots of Italics

Sitting in church today, my mind was full. Full of realization. Full of comprehension.

It’s God’s way to use the simple, to speak through who and what we do not expect. That’s not to say that I don’t expect to learn from the pastor, but I also recognize that this man is no extravagantly gifted speaker. He always speaks of simple things, but this allows God to work and get the glory. When I walk away after hearing Pastor “T” speak, my mind is not on Pastor “T”. If God has spoken, it’s clearly God. When I say that, I mean this, the message is designed and planned out to say one thing, but ends up teaching me something entirely different than the intent…something that works into my life with perfection because of key words that bring my mind to understand the ways of God a little better. Do you understand what I mean? I hope so.

The message is usually a story or principle that I have heard many times, spoken in a way that a child could understand as clearly as an adult. My mind is never thinking about how smart Pastor “T” is, or what an amazing sermon he prepared this week. Nope. He doesn’t leave me focused on him. A man of humble means never does. I think that is why God uses those that we wouldn’t see as strongly suited to something. Because of that, it’s clear to see where God’s Spirit has worked and to recognize Him as God, not the effect of a man’s gifts.

The first thing that my mind stayed fixed on was this- God sees men as who they will someday be, not who they are today. I suppose that is one of the benefits of being outside of time. He knows who I will be at the end of this life and during the between, and He blesses me with the grace necessary while I become. I become. This entire life, I become…though I am not. Though I am weak, though I am prideful, though I am uncontrolled in my temper, though I am afraid- God sees me as one that I have no clear vision of. Who I will be when He calls me home to Him is not for me to know. The process of getting there without knowing where there is remains a large part of what shapes and refines.

I have long thought that the way the Spirit of God works is to fill in the places where I need filling. What I am capable of doing, I do. When I reach the part where I need Him, He steps in. Now, I wonder if this is so true. Today I thought, my best days would be if I remembered to pray, with the desire to beg though I know it not necessary, that any part of me should be prevented from entering this day. I mess things up. I can’t handle it all, and I know that when I can, He is in control.

There was also a misprint in my understanding of how I recognized the Holy Spirit was at work. When I felt good feelings and the goose bumps that can accompany His presence- that was Him. That was knowing that He was there. (I knew that He was always there, but I guess I imagined Him sometimes dormant or something.) But these days I recognize a more subtle presence as well. I know that He has taken over because life is not chaos and I am making it. I am not loosing it and I can keep myself under control. And the funny thing is, it’s not that I have asked or prayed that today He would prevent me from the wreckage that is my choices, that is my lack of good judgment, that is my imperfection. No…it just seems that He does it. Mostly, I feel like me. I just feel like a different me. If I were not aware that it was the presence and work of the Holy Spirit, which honestly could be easily done because of the subtlety, I would just think I was having a good day. I was doing well and enjoying life.

But there are days when He lets me see that He doesn’t have to be there. He alone makes the choice of how much He will do for me each day. Some days it seems He wants me to try a little harder, but it doesn’t get too far out of comfortable, just enough to grow a little. Then there are days that I am surer than sure are just to remind me that I am a wretched soul were it not for Him. To remind me that were He not there I would not be who I sometimes think I am…who others might think I am. A little reminder that – hey, I’m here and I’m doing what I promised I would do when you gave your life to me. Those are days that make me feel shameful about who I really am. Those are the days I see myself as who I would be were it not for the transforming power of Christ. Those are the days that I don’t see myself as He sees me at all. And I do know that it’s not God’s desire for me to see myself as such, but I can also be such a prideful being and reality is a hard hit.

The second thing, a simple statement about God adopting us as His children. I thought on that. On the way we are adopted and the way that God also sees us as who we will be, not as who we are. I also read this week something about the difficult times in the start with children who have attachment issues. Our adoption, thankfully, did not bring us up against this. But many parents must deal with some very terrible things before their child is ready to show who they really are. Some children have to overcome some very painful things first. The author of this post stated that at this difficult point, the child is not your child, they are just a ball of behaviors, and you can’t love a bundle of behaviors.

When God adopts us, we are just a bundle of worldly behaviors. Thankfully, He created us and He knows who we are before we do. He is able, unlike a human adoptive parent, to actually love us from the start and doesn’t have to just go through the motions until real love develops.

As I watch Ana develop so quickly and grow and mature at a rapid rate now that she is home with us, loved and given the opportunity to do so, it helps me to relate to God and His love for me. The way He feels about me. There is something special that you can try to imagine, but it’s so different from the parent side of things, when a child that was written off by the world and thought to be incapable of amounting to anything comes home to love, and the expectation that she can. And then she does. “You believe I can do this mom? You really think that I can count for something?” She says inside herself, surprised that something is expected, even though she knew she was able to do more than they ever asked. “You are right mom.” She smiles in her heart with pride in herself, “I can be worth something. I am worth something.” And I think to myself, “Honey, you won’t just be part of this world, you will change it. You will change it because you are loved by God and you’ll know it.”

How many children are left? Really, that’s what I thought about. How often are children left unloved because it’s not the right time? It’s not the best time for me to adopt, but I would love to when my kids are a little older. I think someday I might adopt a child when my finances are in better order. I’ve thought about adoption in the future, but…(you fill in the blank). How many kids are left without love, IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, because it’s not the right time?

Then I thought, yes, not everyone is supposed to adopt. But it’s like that with so many things that God would have us do. We aren’t willing to step out in faith because we are still looking at life through the eyes of preparation and the world’s view of responsibility. And here I am sounding like I’m preaching at you. That’s really what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to share my heart and my thoughts about me…

See, we have some things we are working on. Decisions to make. Some are trivial, some pretty important, and I had to look at myself with honesty today and ask why I was thinking the way I was. Why did my preferences lie where they did? And I realized that the reasons that I wanted to lean in the direction I wanted to lean were not the reasons that mattered. The reality of the matter is that I still think in terms of “when I’m ready” instead of “when I am asked”. The point is that God asks when I am NOT ready. If I did things when it made sense, then I would be doing things in my own time. I would be doing things in my own power if I did them when it was a good time. And does that make any sense at all? Because the God I know likes to make His power known. He is all about loving people and changing lives, but that’s not all He is about. He is about making His power known in the process and bringing GLORY to HIS NAME in the process. If I want to wait until I’m ready…I am missing the point.

When it’s the right time requires little faith. When it’s the “right time” might never come. When it’s the “right time”, it won’t really require the power of the Holy Spirit to do it, will it? The “right time” is wanting to do something for the wrong reason. I think then it might be that I am thinking about my glory instead of God’s…if I’m being totally honest here. Pride is a very dangerous and deadly thing.

And these were my thoughts today.

The Generosity of God

With all of the things going on for us right now, being in Ukraine bringing Anastasia home and growing another baby, I am reminded of last spring. Last spring we got our tax return. It was a rather large tax return and we had a lot of things that we wanted to use it for that were all very reasonable things.

We wanted a different car with more room for our growing family. Our car at the time was a Kia Spectra, which is a great car but was limited on space. Smiles was growing, so my knees were in the dashboard if we had anywhere to go as all four of us (he weighed too much for the infant seat, but still had to face backward), and four of us filled the car. Yes, there was a seat in the middle of the two carseats, but even aunt artsy, who is really small, could not fit between the two. We couldn't take anyone in the car with us, including the dog and we were often needing to carry extra passengers.

Old Blue, our couch, was...OLD. Our other couch wasn't in the greatest shape, but Blue was in terrible condition. It had holes in it (BIG holes in the upholstery) and was plain worn out. Blue had some very good days and was still comfortable, but you have to understand that he belonged to my grandparents before our family. I remember coming home from Kindergarten sick, driven by the school nurse Mrs. Wardle (who knew my Grandma from church, so it was all good) and sleeping on that couch. I have lots of memories with that couch, but I was not above admitting that it was time to let go.

Our carpets were in bad shape too. Our ultimate goal is to get laminate flooring for the main living space since we have a dog and little children. The person who thought it was a smart idea to build a starter home with carpeted dining room space was, in my humble opinion, NOT someone who had kids. We just would have liked to get the carpets cleaned. (Would have LOVED to get new floors, but cleaning the carpets would have been great too.) We still have a vacuum that is on it's way out, but God has blessed it with a very long last leg. It might not work as well as we would like it to, but it still gets most of the job done.

These are a few of the things that we would have liked to do with our tax return, and really we could have made it work for all of those things. (We still had a bit of hospital bills from Smiles that we owed, which got paid off before anything...but that was a must, not a flexible thing. Responsibilities must be taken care of too you know.)

But we asked God. He had been (and still is I might add) teaching us a lot about generosity. We were learning how really all we had and all that we are is His anyway. I gave my life to Christ. That means I gave Him control of everything, including the possessions that I have on this Earth. We prayed and asked Him if any of these things were something that He would allow, or if He had other plans for our cash.

What did He say? Well, it was the same answer over and over again. The words that I kept hearing were, "Be generous with me, and I will be generous with you." I kept asking for a number, "Well, how much is that God?" And all He would say in return was, "Be generous with me, and I will be generous with you." So, I finally shared with my husband what I was hearing and he agreed that we should give as much as we could to God. Everything after those responsibilities. We had a few, like that hospital bill that I mentioned for Smiles.

I have pieced it together some since then, but hadn't really looked at the big picture all together that much yet. As I am here in Ukraine, away from my two little ones that I spend all of my time with, I have a little more time for thinking. And the reality is now more real. We are close to coming home with our little Ana, we are nearly home with one of the blessings that we have been given by the Lord this year.

It all started shortly after our that moment when we decided how much we were giving. Handsome got in a car accident, which I realize sounds like quite the blessing, but it did turn out to be. If you recall the car issue that we had...well, Handsome got in a car accident that totaled the car, yet the airbag didn't go off. He had no pain after the incident, even though he should have. Our insurance company gave us $2,000 more than the car was worth blue book, and we were able to get a really good deal on a car that fit our family better. It was a definite blessing in many ways. This was all a preparation in trusting God to provide. He wanted us to recognize that if He provided for us in the things that were more worldly, then He would also provide even more for the things that He called us to. It was preparation.

Shortly after our car was provided, God led us to Anastasia. Within a very short amount of time, with no $ in our bank account (because we insisted on only buying a car we could afford without payments...thus we didn't have savings yet), we committed to Ana. God called us and we knew that we could trust Him to provide. He may not always provide in the ways that we expect Him to, and not through the people that we expect Him to, but He has provided. We have been so blessed in all of the areas of our adoption. He has gone before us in all things and has provided all that we have needed Him to provide. I have also learned that His faithfulness is not dependent upon my faith. The Lord is faithful even when I don't have the faith to trust Him in every step that He asks me to take. Sometimes I don't take small steps because I am fearful and lacking faith. He has still walked toward me. He takes more steps toward me than I can ever take toward Him. This is not meeting in the middle because I am not capable. God meets me where He knows that I am able to meet Him at the moment.

Even when I feel like I fail Him.

And what about those other things? Well, old Blue made it out of our living room too. My brother and his wife moved and couldn't fit one of their couches into the new place, so they offered to give us their couch. We gladly accepted their offer. I also have heard that we were blessed with a gift of clean carpets while we are gone. I haven't seen them yet, but I'm sure they look much better than they did when we left home.

So, as I look back, I can see that we chose to give God all that we could and He was generous with us beyond what we could have come close to expecting. (Do you think that I would have ever imagined that He would bless us with two more children? I do not think so!) He also provided for all of the things that we felt like we were sacrificing to do what He asked. And even if He hadn't, I know that I would still feel blessed beyond measure. I'm sure that the new (again) Daddy next to me would agree.

So, did God do as He said when He answered, "Be generous with me and I will be generous with you." ? I would certainly say that He did.

God's Word

Isn't it interesting when you realize how God's Word is truly alive! He speaks through His written word, just as He speaks by the Spirit. It's amazing.

I have to be honest with you. While most of the time I have been blessed with faith to trust in His timing and that He WILL provide as He has said He will, it can be a little difficult. Most of the time I have little thought of the financial status of our adoption (which I PRAISE Him for because I am prone to worry and stress over little things, let alone the big stuff). From time to time though, as we get closer to the end of the wire...things can get a little hairy. Not like freaking out or developing an ulcer, but thoughts of questioning come in. Some of those questioning thoughts are produced by conversations with people who either directly or indirectly question my faith. Usually well meaning, just not as supportive as needed. Just being honest here.

So tonight I was feeling a bit discouraged. I KNOW that God said He would provide for our adoption. I KNOW that He is faithful to follow through. I KNOW that He wants to grow my faith by waiting and forcing me to trust in HIM and nothing/nobody else. I KNOW that if I am faithful to wait upon Him, He WILL provide. And really that's what I want. I want to live the kind of life that requires me to trust Him. A life where if He doesn't come through for me- I am up that creek with no paddle and three holes in my boat. That's what I want. That's what He is giving me.

But, while I want that in my heart, my head is not so easily connected with that. So...sometimes I question myself. I question whether or not I heard Him correctly. I question whether or not He really cares enough about my little life to follow through without forgetting. I question whether my faith is enough.

And guess what? It's okay. Cause it's not about me at all. Following Jesus is NEVER about what I can do. It's always about what HE can do. My life is about bringing Him glory, nothing more. So...do you think it brings Him more glory if I breeze through every challenge I come to? Or does it bring Him more glory if I have some trouble and have to call on Him even for the faith to continue trusting Him? You guessed it. In my weakness HE is strong.

So, because of His compassion my daily reading spoke in big ways to my heart. He always has a way of speaking through the planned reading too. No need for flipping around folks, just keep going with the normal reading. Earlier today I read Matthew 13, so tonight I decided to read a little more and was in Matthew 14. Here is a recap of what was said:

v. 17- The disciples said to Jesus that they only had five loaves of bread and two fish when Jesus asked them to feed 5,000 men and their women and children. He told them to bring the food to him, and there was more than plenty to feed them all.

HE IS ABLE TO PROVIDE EVEN WHEN THERE ISN'T MUCH TO WORK WITH.

v. 28 starts the story of Peter walking on the water. Sometimes I feel like we hear the stories so much that they can loose their potency. Peter asks to be called out on the water. Jesus calls Him. Peter walks out. BUT...

"But, when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

Peter could have kept walking on the water if He had focused on Jesus and kept his eyes off of the wind and lack of calm. But also notice how Jesus was right there the whole time and the moment Peter lacked the faith necessary, Jesus saved him. Immediately. He also confirms that Peter's doubt is what caused Him to begin to sink. Doubt is a dangerous thing. Thankfully my Jesus is here to lift me up when I fall. He sends me His words when I am starting to doubt and He encourages me when I need it. Sometimes He lets me go until I reach the point of breaking, but I know he is always there to catch me.

A Few Honest Words

I know I haven't been around a lot, but I wanted to share this post with you today.

This Mom is part of the Ukraine chat group that we have on Monday nights and she shared well some of the feelings that I have. I thought it would be simple to just send you there. I haven't known how I wanted to write it out because it comes out kind of...not pretty when I have tried.

We are nothing special. We are the ones who are blessed by the calling that the Lord has given us. We know there will be difficult times, but the ways we have been and will be blessed are far greater than those times. Do not view us as what we are not. We are not any stronger, braver, loving, or financially prepared than you or anyone else.


He spoke. We said yes.


That's the simple truth.

The quote that she put at the end of her post is one that has also been going through my head often since reading it. I figure it makes a good opportunity to also share with you a link to THIS BLOG. Katie is the kind of crazy that I hope to be. Truly, I hope that one day people look at my life and the first word that comes to mind is crazy. So fully submitted to my Lord that there is no explanation other than abiding in HIM. This young woman (20 I think) has left her life here for one far different than the one she probably imagined. I urge you to take a look at some of her past entries and support this ministry. The decision to do so was an easy one for our family and might be for yours as well. Not because of how special Katie is, but because we know that God is clearly seen there. It's about HIM, and that is visible.

(This post is a good one to give you a run down of the history...)

What Do I Know of Holy

I heard this song a few weeks ago on the radio for the first time. While it has probably been around for quite some time, I don't listen to the actual radio very often. It perfectly fits some of the thoughts and feelings that I have had recently. I love this song and wanted to play it over and over because of how well it speaks to my heart.

I hope you enjoy it too.

Word

So often the Lord speaks sweet words of encouragement when we need them. It probably won't mean much to you because it was meant for me, but I wanted to share it anyway.

I was praying yesterday about the swiftness of Ana's process, and struggling with internal feelings. My desire is for her to be home right now. My desire is to be fully and completely at peace with God's timing. Not wanting to push God, I was slacking in the depth of feeling and asking in my prayers. He spoke.

Psalm 114

¹ When Israel came out of Egypt,
the house of Jacob from a people of foreign tongue,

² Judah became God's sanctuary,
Israel his dominion.

³ The sea looked and fled,
the Jordan turned back;

⁴ the mountains skipped like rams,
the hills like lambs.

⁵ Why was it, O sea, that you fled,
O Jordan, that you turned back,

⁶ you mountains, that you skipped like rams,
you hills, like lambs?

⁷ Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,

⁸ who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.

I am thankful that there is NONE like my God. My savior can move the mountains, be they made of paperwork or boulders. He is mighty to save, yes HE is MIGHTY to SAVE.

Oh NO! She's Thinking Again!

Before I start this, I want to make sure that this post isn't taken wrongly as something where I am talking to you via talking about myself. I realize that this post could be taken wrongly if I do not take care in being honest about where my mind is right now and what my true intentions are with this post.

For those that are new, and I suppose as a refresher for those that have been around for awhile, I want to bring two posts to attention that will support these claims. And really, I would hope that it is clear just by the fact that I am so concerned about the way you might interpret this post...I am just sharing what is going on in my heart.

The first post is this very long one about how God provided our car for us, which links to this very short one where I was very vague and cryptic as I like to be sometimes =). These are just to tell you, or remind you that God has been working on my heart in the area of generosity for quite some time now. Our family is in a place where we are receiving quite a bit right now, but I want you to know two things about that. Number one- just because we are on the receiving end and in need of something does not mean that God doesn't still ask us to give elsewhere. In fact, He is still calling us to give more. Number two- I have hesitated to write this post at this time because I didn't want anyone to take it as a way of indirectly soliciting donations. God is providing in great ways and our hope is in HIM, not in you. No offense, but that's the truth. He does use His people (like the ways that He is wanting us to give and recognize that all we have already belongs to Him anyway), but the glory from that sharing should go to Him...not the one who wrote the check.

So, the point of all that long clarification that was far longer than what I am going to say is that I was thinking. Just thinking about myself and my selfishness. How self centered is that! HA! Anyway, I came across this blog that was talking a little bit about giving to a particular ministry and how great their need was. Lets just say it dealt with starving mothers and children. You know what my first thought was? It was pretty normal, and actually something that might be thought of as good at first glance. But that's why we have that special gift called the Spirit of God living inside these bodies, right? So that we bounce our thoughts off of the mind of Christ and not focus on what is good to anyone else. That first thought was, "I should go and check my bank account to see what I can give."

What's wrong with that? Well, I am not saying it is bad to check your bank account before spending. It would be irresponsible not to check before spending any money. I just had an internal realization at that moment, that's all. I realized that when I am at the store and I think about how my daughter needs some summer clothes since she only has two hot weather bottoms and it's been really hot, I don't think about it. I just pick up a couple of things, even if they are only $3 or $4 shorts. I still grab a couple.

Or how often do I drive down the road and think, "I could really use some coffee today." or, "I don't have anything for lunch and we are running very late, lets get something from Taco Bell."

Are those things in my budget? Nope. Are they a need? Sometimes. Is feeding starving people a need? Yes it is. More important than my daughter having more than two pairs of shorts.

An easy rationalization is that I can't save them. That's true, but if all of us gave according to our ability then it would add up. And it's easy for me to forget how stinking good I have it. I compare to people around me and forget to compare to the rest of the world. They are God's kids too. If someone in my church was going hungry, you better believe that we would take care of them. (Small churches are good at taking care of each other by the way. At least, ours is.) That reminds me that I have been reading in 2nd Corinthians and it talks about generosity somewhere near the 8th chapter. You will have to look around there because I am not good at remembering details right now, but there is some talk of supporting each other so that those that have plenty do not have too much and those that have little do not go without. Check it out. I am pretty sure that you could bet on the fact that God didn't give me plenty so that I could hoard it.

My point is that I realize that if I have enough room in my budget to get those little extras from time to time, should it really be going somewhere that it's needed instead? Just me thinking...

Now I have to figure out where that line is drawn, or if you even can give too much. Is that even possible?

Gentle Breeze

My life is a whisp. My life is short in the eyes of God...oh so short.

I have been thinking on this for a couple of months now, about how short my life really is compared with eternity. My mind is filled with an image of a breeze blowing by- so quickly it passes. I think of how a quick rush of air is something that lasts for a short time and isn't something you really remember much when it's gone. Once it's passed, the memory is gone with it.

Then I thought of the places where God talks about our smell...the scents that are spoken in association with His people. Sometimes it speaks of these smells being good. Sometimes it's not so great. I can with certainty say that I do NOT want to be a stench to anyone, especially to God.

All of these things contemplated over time have produced a desire for my life. I want to be a gentle breeze that blows through with a fresh scent carried in it's sweet movement. My desire is that it would be as if the Lord were strolling through a path in the trees and a short breeze blows by. For just a short few seconds He stops in His path and feels the gentleness of this sweet wind, smells the pleasing scent that it carries. As He breathes it in and then outward again, momentum is gained by His breath and this whisp finishes with the force of His majestic exhale. A just for that moment my hope is that it would bring Him pleasure. My life- the whisp.

Retraction

I'd like to retract yesterday's later post.

It's not because there is anything wrong with it. It's good to study God's word and wonder what He meant, and to ask Him what He meant. Pondering these things is fine.

My issue with what I brought up is this- it's not the point. And oh how easy it is to get caught up in the things that are not the point! It's so easy to get excited and interested in the things that we don't understand, the supernatural things that only God can do. That's part of what should be drawing people to the faith that we have. If we are living our lives in the way that we claim then this will be obvious.

That means we will have His love for others, and most importantly a supernatural love for HIM. I don't know about you, but it is hard to figure out how to love God. I just can't do it. There is nothing lacking in how wonderful He is and amazing and worthy of so much more than the love of mere me, that isn't my issue. It's that He is SO far beyond me that I have always had a hard time really believing that He loves me and wants my love. Obedience is not an issue, at least not the desire to obey. (I can't always obey due to my...you know...being human and all.)

That's part of the awesomeness that God has been doing in my life right now. He has stepped in and begun to help me love HIM more. To understand that He loves me. And to find balance in that, because sometimes I think it's hard to balance knowing that He loves me so much but at the same time having the reverence for Him that He deserves too. Now that is supernatural. I teeter back and forth way too much and it's like I am bobbling in this little path carved by a jolly little stream. I hit both sides all the time, but the barrier is there and keeps me in check so that I don't go way too far off to the side.

Praise be to Him for that. Doesn't that in itself show His love?

So, my point is this. It's okay to wonder and think, but it's not my job to understand the things of God all the way. There are things that should make me look at my life and wonder what needs to be changed. There are many other cool things that God reveals to us. BUT- why do I always want more? It's like, He reveals...but then I take that in a little and want to move on. I can't help it because God is so exciting to learn about, His ways are so different! But I don't even have close to a grasp on the first steps before I want to move on. I just want to take in so much. That might be part of why He only gives us what we have. Why He keeps secret things just for Himself. I'm okay with that, I just have to remember that.

So the important things are to love Him above all else. That means more than anything on this earth...and anyone. And don't get all weird about that. If we are doing that right then we will end up loving our family and even beyond more than we ever could without loving Him most. Yes, I want to love Christ more than I love my husband. Yep, want to love Him more than my kids. Am I there yet... I have to be honest with you and say we are still in process there. But I desire it. That's a step in the right direction.

Next at the top is to love the rest of the world. That one is harder. Isn't it great that we have the Spirit of God though! Seriously! Because if I can't love God, who is perfect and amazing and wonderful, who is so great to me and loves me...well, then how could I love the rest of you? And how could you love imperfect, sometimes grumpy, often in the wrong even when I don't know it (...or sometimes even do) me? That's not normal folks. That takes someone special.

...AND WE HAVE HIM RIGHT IN OUR BODIES!

Where Am I?

As I sit trying to think of what I can say to all of you, trying to decide if I want to just post some fun pictures of the kids, or to share something deep...knowing that if I decide to attempt to share what is filling my heart I won't be able to give you a clear picture...I am frozen.

There is something new, something different. My mind does not think the same as it did before, my heart is somewhere totally different. And to say to you that I am changed means nothing. It's not something to be shared, just something to be observed.

But at the same time, if I am to speak to you as who I am, and not just someone trying to give you the person that you knew would be injustice. It would not be honest, nor would it make me feel like I am right with God. He who changes wants me to be clear about those changes. Without Him my mind and heart would be right where they were two weeks ago, or two years ago...and farther back really.

It's just that everything seems so trivial. And I feel so spoiled and ungrateful. How can I live daily life not changed? How can we go about being so fruitless? Why are we acting as if we are filled with the Spirit of GOD, yet not being changed? How is it that I could think I understood the magnitude of God and who He is, know that His Spirit fills me, and not be changed? I don't get it. I was living it, but I don't get it.

How can I talk like I even have the smallest right to feel unjustly treated? How can we talk about things so trivial as entertainment and shopping when that is so far from what matters? How can we say that we don't have money to help the poor or we don't know where to give it, and then in the same breath be planning for vacations or eating meals that cost more than some children, even in our own country, have spent on a weeks worth of groceries? What is wrong with us!?

And then we justify our behavior to each other and act as though it is normal and right. We have the money, we have the time. We just choose to spend it elsewhere- on ourselves. And if you want to sit and justify yourself and keep on living for you and your family then I will not judge you for it. I would not praise you for it, but that's your decision. But I know that in my heart I cannot sit here any longer and ignore the fact that God's Spirit is inside this body feeling grieved by my actions. I cannot allow Him to be frustrated with me anymore, patiently waiting for me to change and put my words into action.

And I don't get it. I am not claiming that I am not guilty, on the contrary. But how can we be filled with such a Holy being and NOT be changed? How can I decide to turn from my old ways and follow Christ, letting Him tell me where to go and what to do, but then sit in my house and be so selfish? My life has been about me. That is a contradiction of what I claim. I claim that I am a follower of Christ, yet I haven't been following at all. Sure, I have let Him lead in a couple of areas when He speaks loud enough that I can't deny it. But I haven't been asking. I haven't been seeking Him in all that I do.

I live in such abundance. Yet I feel so justified in feeling deprived sometimes. I lack feelings of contentment with what I have by looking forward to what God will bring into my life in the future. How can this be?

And I know that I will still fail, but isn't it different when I am with Him and fail? When I am trying to live what He wants and fall short? Because I am not capable of not falling short. That's who I am and why Christ chose to die for me.

And how is it that I have never tried to understand how unfathomable God really is? Why and how could I lack reverence for Him in such the way that I did? How can I speak His words as I read them and not be touched? How can I be so...I don't even have a word for it...?

Last night as I sat in my small group and they were going over John 4 and asking the normal questions, I just had to stop. Things kept going around me, but I was lost in this world inside my head thinking, "These are the words of Christ. These are words spoken by GOD on this Earth. How can we speak them with such ease and carelessness? Where is the reverence for His words?" And we were studying His words. There was nothing wrong with how these words were being spoken. But I felt such lack of understanding of the magnitude of that.

And I think that part of it is that I don't stop to attempt to wrap my mind around how huge, great, marvelous, amazing God is. I can NEVER grasp it, it's just not possible. And since I knew that I didn't even try. But it's important to take time to try in vain to understand those things, because without that we will lack the feelings that should cause us to fall on our face before Him. We lack reverence. We are flippant with His name. We speak of Him with such casualty, and sometimes we toss Him around with less respect than we would our human friends.

Is it useless to share this with you? It just might be. And if someone thought for one second about their own life through reading my thoughts, well it wouldn't be credit to me. Because my words are feeble and still failing to God. BUT- He loves me anyway, and He takes pleasure in the fact that I am at least trying to please Him. (And I am not saying that writing this is my attempt at pleasing Him. I am talking about the rest of my life.)

Thank you Lord that when I ask you to bring justice to my lacking areas, my casual understanding of You, you convict and bring change. You clarify and deepen. You are mindful of me when I compare to you far less than if I were to have feelings toward a flea that equated my children. It is beyond my understanding and all I can do is express my gratitude. My gratitude which is still not as grateful as it should be toward you. Not even close.

What About Baptism

So, a little while back in our small group/ Bible study we got on the subject of baptism and it's importance. The discussion also went to the question of whether or not baptism is necessary for salvation. I am not going to get into a topic about which some Christians argue or disagree. That's not necessary in my opinion.

I would say it is pretty clear from reading the New Testament that baptism is important either way. My question is this- why does it feel like baptism is so...forgotten, or at least given less importance than it seems it had in the early church? As I have been reading my Bible post resurrection, baptism usually directly follows a decision to follow Christ. Believe and be baptized. Right?

And perhaps it's just me, or where I live or something, but I feel like it's treated as something separate. When a gospel presentation takes place, should not a call to baptism go right beside it? From my experience it's not like that. First there is sharing of the gospel and what Christ has done for us, then there is a leading in prayer, or an offer to pray with. It is usually stated that if you have made a decision to follow Christ there should be follow up and discussion about what that means, etc. (Please don't misunderstand my feelings. I am not trying to take away from the importance of that, or the goodness of it.)

Baptism is something that is presented at a later time. It doesn't happen based on the time frame of a decision to follow Jesus (again, this is just from my experience...I may be observing things differently than most). Baptism is called for when one is planned. "We are having a baptism on such and such date. If you have not been baptized and would like to be, please talk with so and so..." or something like that.

I feel like this makes baptism take on less importance than perhaps it was meant to have. It feels like it has become something that we do at our convenience rather than as a first act of obedience. Now, I might be a little confused on the subject, so please give insights if you have them. Also, I do understand that perhaps here in the Pacific Northwest with our weather it might make a difference. I suppose that if you do not have an indoor baptismal font it might make things hard to do. There might be the reason that if you are in a large church you would be doing it all the time. But should that matter? Can't other means be figured out?

This is just something that has been on my mind. Please feel free to share any insights that you might have. I am not meaning to ruffle feathers if my observations are off either. If you have experienced something different, please share. I would love to find out that this isn't as normal as I might think it is.

The Not so Short Details

Fair warning, this post is VERY long. You chose it, so no complaining. Only two people said that they wanted a couple of smaller posts, and one was Handsome. I had better not make it longer by blabbing on...

I wanted to tell you about the amazing work that God has been doing in our lives...in a little more detail.

To start, I have to go back a little. To the beginning. Often, and I would even say most times, we don't recognize the beginning as a start to anything. We don't know ahead of time that it will become something more than just a thought or a tiny lesson to be learned and discovered in the mind. We don't know that God will give us life application at the start.

I mentioned on my blog a few months back that God was working on me in the area of generosity. This was actually the beginning. There were a lot of "rabbit trails of learning" in this area that had to do with the way we use our resources. One big change that was decided was the area of debt. Having debt of any kind was not something that grew us closer to God. First of all, it gives someone else control of our lives in some ways. Secondly, the more debt we have, the more limited we are in our giving of money that already belongs to God. It's like I am taking something that is His and putting my name on it for months to come. Does that make sense?

Another thing that stood out to me during a sermon that I listened to online from a former pastor was that when we take out a debt or borrow money for something it does two things. First, it doesn't allow God to provide it for us. Second, it doesn't give Him the opportunity to tell us no. If the thing that we feel a need for is something that God wants to let us have, and He loves to bless His children with gifts here on Earth too, then He will provide it for us. If not, then perhaps He doesn't want us to have it.

Who can deny an answer like that?! You can't even wonder your answer there. Either He will provide and say yes, or He won't provide and will say no or wait.

Okay. I can deal with that. That all sounds good to me and makes sense with scripture. (Forgive me for not remembering all the scripture that went with. I am not good at remembering anything that requires specifics!)

So, lets go forward a little...but don't go too far ahead.

Smiles is a big boy. He is ready to get his big boy car seat. We buy Curly a new one (since the booster seats are much cheaper and she is nearly three). Once his big seat is placed in the car the way it is supposed to be, I am in pain. I am not a short girl and because of the angle of our seats among a few other things, I am at the dashboard sitting in a position that is almost leaning forward a little. Seriously. Not good. Major knots in my back after mere minutes in the car each drive that contains our whole family. (When it's just me and the kids we are fine because the passenger seat is open.)

Of course the first thought is then, we need to get a family car that fits more. This is not the only issue with our small Kia Spectra. I love that car by the way. (In case you wondered.) Other issues are that we can't fit the dog in with us, if we have our whole family in the car we cannot take anyone with us anywhere. I often have younger siblings that I want to bring home to stay the night or take along somewhere and they can't drive yet. If Nana wants to go somewhere with us, we have to take separate cars. It just isn't working and we know it. We had been thinking for some time about needing to get a larger car. Especially with plans for a larger family in our future.

Then the reminder comes.

I wanted to honor God. My heart feels that to get a loan would not be in line with that. This is a need, not a desire. We don't have the money to do this without a loan.

A choice was at hand. I told my Handsome that I would survive. We would ask God to provide for us and either He would do that, or He would make things work the way they were. So on we went. I decided to put my ever growing baby back into the little carried car seat for now. He wasn't quite past it's weight limit, so we would be able to make that work for now. After that we would have to only go on very short trips as a family until we either got a new car, or Smiles turned one and could face forward. In August.

We had made the choice to stick with the thing that honored our integrity and not the perfectly understandable other choice. I don't know if I know anyone who would have thought anything of it had we made that choice to get a loan for a family car. It would have been perfectly normal and understandable. We need one. Not just for this reason, but we need one for our future anyway.

Okay. The choice was made and we stuck to it. We didn't waiver. We didn't have any second thoughts about our choice. It was right because we were staying in line with our convictions. All was well.

One morning in mid March I got up when Handsome got up. Kind of unusual for me to actually stay up, but I thought nothing of that. I was in the shower. When I got out I saw a message on the machine (yes, we have an old answering machine at our house...no fancy voice mail). I listened to it and knew right away from the light and airy tone that Handsome had been in no small accident. If it had been a little accident that hadn't caused damage I know I probably would have heard anger in his voice and he would have been very ticked off. Nope. This was his peaceful, trying to keep me from worry voice. I knew that it wasn't good and considered that the car probably wasn't going to make it.

Before I even talked to him.

So, I called him. He was close to home, as most accidents are. I was glad because he drives VERY far to and from work daily and I often worry about his commute. He was fine and so was the other person involved....but the car? Well, he thought that we were probably talking totaled.

I went to get him with the kids. We prayed for him and his nerves. We prayed for his body. I was at peace with the whole thing. If you know me, you will know that this in not in line with my nature. I worry. A lot. I get worked up about things like this. But I was at peace. And you know what? I feel bad saying it, but the thought did cross my mind that perhaps this was God's way of providing for our family car. I thought, well, perhaps God is telling me that it's okay to take out a small loan for the family car we need.

So, we waited the next day for the terrible pain that everyone told him would come. It didn't come. He had a sore neck, but that was it. It was gone after two days. (I still think he should go and get things checked, but he is a man and can make that choice for himself.) He recovered just fine.

We went to get a rental car. The insurance pays for this. We were supposed to get a small four door car...the cheapest that they have. (That was fine for Handsome to commute in, we were not complaining.) We got there and the guy asked if we would like to try the Dodge Journey. That's a crossover vehicle that seats seven, pictured below.

Taken from Motor Trend website.

We said, "No thanks." He persisted. Are you sure? It's a really neat car...blah, blah, blah. "No, thanks. It's just for commuting."

He then said, "Well, how about if we give it to you for the same price that your insurance covers?"

"Ummm... oooohhhh kkkkk?"

"Well, we don't actually have your car here and this is the ONLY one we have."

"Sure. We will take it if the insurance covers it." We just had to pay the tax, which we would have had to pay anyway.

That was cool thing number one. We got to have a family car while we were waiting for our insurance to tell us what our next step was. Within two or three days they told us that our car was totalled and they would be back with us in a couple of days about the amount they were going to give us for it. We waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally they called a couple weeks later with a number for us. We were dreading this part because we knew that it wasn't going to be a very big number. We had looked our car up to see what we could expect. I had also heard plenty of stories about getting less than what you think you should from the insurance company.

That final number? It was a little bigger than what we had anticipated. Just a little. Like two thousand dollars bigger!

Okay. We can deal with that. =) Our loan will not have to be very big. We will have it payed off pretty quickly.

Then Handsome got his bonus. There was another nice chunk. (If taxes on bonuses weren't so high it would have been bigger, but hey...what's 40%...)

There are some other areas that we had extra $ in the last two months, but lets just say that God was working on us in the generosity department as well, so not all was for us and our car. Quite a bit still went to God's stuff. (I just don't want you to think that we took all that God provided for ourselves and selfish purposes because often these things are not for us. You have to ask each and every time. I will not, however, give any details on this because I think that giving is between the giver and God. Just know that we were careful in all of this to make sure that we knew what was for us and what was not.)

Then came the search for a car. We had no idea what we wanted. In my mind I figured we would go with a minivan. I despise the SUV not only for the gas, but also for the bulkiness of it. I like my small car and if I could fit all that I need to in there I would love to stay with that. Alas, I cannot.

First stop was our local P-ville Kia dealership. I have nothing but awesome things to say about them. When we bought our Spectra the guy that we worked with was wonderful and we loved him. Kia comes with free car washing at the dealer forever. Forever, no joke. So, we take our car in from time to time. Seriously, two years or so after we had purchased our car, we went in to get it washed. We were on our way home from a trip to see Gramps and GG in the dusty, dirty land of Idaho. You know, where them potatoes grow?

Well, it turned out that the carwash part was closed and Phillip came out as we were pulling in and said hello to us by name and informed us of this unfortunate issue, but took it and washed it for us. Let me point out that it was a disaster of a car at this point and he had to do some rubbing and take it through the wash no less than twice...perhaps more. He only mentioned twice as he joked with us that we must have had some trip. Naturally, with the amazing deal we got on our Spectra (with the help of Chalupa), we wanted to go there first.

Sadly, our Phil was gone. He had changed dealerships four months prior. We did get to talk with a very nice young man named Tyler though, who was friends with Phillip and called him for us to see if he had anything. There were a couple of options, but they were in the Tahoe range of things...too big for me. It sounded like there were a couple of options, but it was a little bit of a drive, so we thought we would check around town first. Tyler knew our price range.

OOOps! I forgot to tell you one of the most important parts!

So, before looking, we really...okay, I really...felt like God wanted us to work with the money he had given and provided. He had given us enough to get something that would work for us. I really felt like he gave me a reality check and said, "I didn't bring you this far ahead of what you were planning just so that you could get a loan. I wasn't giving you permission. I was telling you that I wanted to provide." So...with the reluctance of my minivan hating husband, we set out on this hunt with a price range that was a bit lower than what he thought would be good for what we needed.

Okay, sorry....back to the story. So, Tyler (and I will give you his last name gladly if you want to know and are local, just e-mail me or comment with the question) said he only had one thing that he thought might work in our price range. We had told him we needed to seat at least 7. Two car seats and two adults take up the 5 passenger cars all by themselves. He mentioned the Rondo, which is made by Kia of course. (Did I mention I am a Kia lover?) When we looked inside it was perfect. It's a smaller crossover than the Journey, which I decided wasn't my cup of tea during my 27 days of driving it. Even if it did function well for me. And it wasn't in our price range anyway.

But...you see, the issue with the Rondo is that it comes with the option of third row seating. It's not standard. We had looked at an '09 first to see if it was something that we thought might work and then when he checked, the used ones that they had were not third row seated. You know what's awesome? He didn't even try to sell us on the '09! He just said that he didn't have any with the third row seats and sent us to another dealership that has lots of used cars that was nearby. (No, I am not oblivious to the fact that he would get a little money for that referral if we did buy from the guy. Just saying it was great that he didn't try to sell us on more.) He was also very nice about at least telling me that he would try to find one for us in our price range later. And let me tell you- I got darn close to laughed at later.

We drove quite a few minivans after that. They were just not very great. It seemed that the price range that we were in did not suite the minivan well. But you know what? I would have been okay with that had it been where I felt that God wanted us to be with our purchase. My prayer through the whole process was that I would be in the will of God, and I think that often it is important for us to be humble and choose function over what causes excitement. I wanted to be in line with this. My issue was that none of these felt like they were functioning well for me. It was going to be an adjustment for me to go from my small car with clear vision, to a van that had tinted windows and different seating. I was ready for that. But they didn't feel right. They didn't feel like they were very high quality.

I'm not saying that no van would. What I am saying is that the vans in our price range were not running well. They weren't feeling smooth and I wasn't feeling good about them.

My mind kept saying, look for that Rondo. You really like that car and the Kia guy seemed to think it was in your price range. (If we think about it this does make sense. Minivans are more expensive off the lot. A used one would be similar then. Minivan = more expensive for the quality of drive. If only they had started making the Rondo earlier than 2007...)

I called Chalupa and asked him to see if there were any Rondo's in our price range online that did have the third row of seats. He didn't find much at that point (this was the Friday before Easter), so we grabbed some lunch and went back to their house where the kids were being watched to search online for anything and then go home. We found one about a half hour away that looked like it was close to our price, so we drove up for a test drive and to talk $.

When we drove it, we really loved it even more. The interior was clearly used well by some children, or at the least a couple of not so careful adults, but we didn't have an issue with that. We are looking for function here. This car feels like my little one when I drive it! It's just longer. This car is everything that I would want (remember, that's just a want there- not need) in a car. We just had to get them on the numbers we had.

As we sat there, things weren't working for me. It sometimes happens so fast that you get lost in the moment. Handsome knew where I stood with the $, but since it wasn't really his conviction, he would only stick with it as far as I led him to. They offered a little above the $ we had in cash, which was really close to the price they were asking, we just needed that "out the door" (after taxes and licensing). We had an offer for a couple thousand that could be loaned to us until next year with no interest. It wouldn't be an issue at all. (Not from the car dealership of course. This was a personal loan offer.) Handsome was on board with this offer.

The people at this dealership then sent over this "guy" from over in the other room. You know, the ones that come over and start to small talk with you and talk about how cute your kid is and you're like...GET to your point already! I am not a fool and I do not want to deal with your phoney attitude that makes us feel like you are pretending to care. I didn't digg this guy at all. He wasn't rude or anything, I just have that special spiritual gifting that helps me see motives and hearts ...well, it didn't help me to enjoy this man. That's for sure.

The numbers came up on our end, but they were not willing to move. I was glad for this. The car was wonderful. I wanted the car. I was sold on the car. What I wasn't sold on was the price. I felt that we needed to be able to pay cash for this car. Right now. Not take out any type of loan. Even just $1,000. I was glad when we walked, it gave me time to clear my head and really seek the Lord's will here. To see if it was okay to borrow at all, or if He had something else in mind.

(As I recap on all this, I just have to say that I don't realize how dense I am sometimes! Wow, Lord. You are really patient with me. How could I not have understood these things from the start? HELLO! Wake up lady!)

You know what He said? He told me that He didn't bring us this far, give us this much to work with over what we expected, just so that we could borrow over that. He gave us all that we needed and would provide the right car at that price. And we would be pleased with it. Our Father gives good gifts when He wants to. (This is something that I have a really hard time with becasue I can be very extreme. I often feel like I should have only the necessary and I don't like to feel even the hint of materialism. But in this, I DO feel that I can get legalistic. See? I know that I have areas where I do things out of legalism and not a heart of conviction from the Lord.)

The next days were hard. Very hard. You see, it's easy to trust God to provide for the big things, but to wait for Him to provide something when what you want is in your reach all on your own...well, that's harder. Especially something so trivial. Something that isn't that important. As I stated in a previous post, I felt alone in my choice. I felt that nobody understood fully. It seemed like a crazy thing to wait for because the car was already a really good deal. We knew that from looking later. And it wasn't like we couldn't afford it. We had planned to change our payments on our Spectra so that we were paying our normal payment, plus nearly 1 1/2 times that in extra principle so that we could pay it off quickly. We were also changing some other things to add extra cash to our monthly income. (Remember all that generosity stuff...) We could afford this quickly.

I just felt so alone. I just felt so much lack of understanding, even in the choices of my friends and family to support me. "Are you sure that's the car?" "Are you sure you don't want to just borrow that $?" "Well, maybe God is just telling you that right now and it could change later."

No. My heart is fully right with Him in this situation. I know that I just need to trust and to let Him provide.

"Lord, are you sure that I don't just need to get the minivan? Are you sure I am not expecting too much? If I am not hearing you right because of something that isn't in line with my heart, please make it clear to me. Please change my heart. Please speak the truth and your desire for me here."

No change.

And so I wait. I choose to trust you above all those around me Lord. My enemy speaks in my ear and tells me that I am looney. That I am not hearing you. But I trust in you and know that you are teaching me to trust you in the small things too. You are teaching me to hear your voice above all those around me so that in the future I will listen to you when it is a big deal. You are giving me an opportunity to share a story of trust in You even when it isn't practical or understandable by normal standards. When it doesn't make sense at all. I want to stand in Your blessing and learn the lesson you have set before me. No matter what the outcome or where it comes from.

So, that was all written before God followed through. That last paragraph wasn't supposed to be part of this post, but I thought I would let it remain. I want to share all of the emotion with you. It was all part of the process and lesson. Now let me tell you how the story is completed.

On Thursday night I was having a really hard time with all of it. Just with trusting my "ears" in hearing God's voice and struggling with that choice to not look for a different car. I asked my best friend to pray a little extra for me that night and I was going to as well. She had asked me to pray for her in a certain area as well. I guess it was a prayer night =). I had planned on praying with my husband not too long after I had asked her. He was almost home.

When he got home, things didn't go as they normally would have. We were grumpy with each other and I knew that there was something spiritual going on there. I knew that we were being prevented from praying about this together because my plan had been a large chunk of time devoted to it. I mostly ended up praying alone. We did pray about it together, it just wasn't then time that I had hoped for. It was slightly soured. We tried, but we are imperfect beings.

The next afternoon I was finishing up folding a boat load of laundry, or perhaps a couch load, with my Mom. She had spent the day with us and helped me catch up on all the things that had gone undone with the sickness that we had encountered and then the car searching. It felt great to have caught up so much. Then I got a phone call.

Someone had heard about and bought our car, the one that we test drove but couldn't get to our price range because it was already an amazing deal. This someone bought our car and told us that they wanted to sell it to us for a certain price that was only a little higher than what we had in cash. They wanted to sell it to us next month after we had time to save up the money. This someone was going to take care of the taxes on this car for us so that we could have it. They wanted us to borrow this car until next month when we bought it.

Ummm....

I didn't know what to say at first. Partly I wasn't sure if this was the miracle that I had been waiting for. Was this okay God? Then my Mom talked some sense into me and through an e-mail to Vicky I was further convinced. Yes, I am that thick headed. I had to be "convinced" that God's work was okay. Vicky reminded me that God has a way of teaching us lots of different things in the same lesson. God had worked on my giving a lot, and now He just might be working on my receiving too. (I do have a hard time with that as well.) And I also realized that God hardly ever works in the way we expect Him to. This definitely wasn't what I expected.

Since this post is so long just to tell you the details of the story, I will have to share with you later some of the things that I have learned through it. Not the least of which is that when you choose to honor God above all else, you will never be disappointed.

Strength Will Rise as I Wait Upon the Lord

When something big hits your life out of nowhere and you are caught so off guard that you feel baffled at how to even begin the process of picking yourself up off the ground, where do you turn? Well, I turn to God. That's one of the most easy choices for me at this point. If anything comes and shakes my life, I know that prayer and faith in my Father in Heaven will get me through. It might be emotional, but I know that I can make it and He will guide me and bring me out better than when I started.

I would imagine that I am not part of any small handful of people there. I would say that with the big stuff a very large percentage of Americans would run to God. No matter what the past was filled with, He is the guy when things are beyond our power. Because of this it is often necessary for Him to bring us closer to Him through life quaking obstacles that shake us to the core. I'm going to say that I think our hearts are more important to Him than our emotional pain. He would (and He proved this) do anything to get our attention to Him and have our hearts connected with His.

Even if it hurts right now.

BUT...

We have to grow from there. We have to learn deeper and seek His heart and desire for us more as our faith deepens. Life progresses and more responsibility is part of growing up.

Christ wants to have ALL of my life. All of my attention, all of my choices, all of my moments throughout my day. The longer I trust in Him, the more that should be reality. I am learning a lesson here. It's kind of hard for me.

When something big comes along, I don't have much issue turning to God. It's something that I have had to do before and because it has worked well and He proved faithful, that is no longer something that takes as much faith for me. But...with the small things I do have more trouble. Perhaps small isn't the word, but trivial might fit better.

He makes it clear that He wants to provide for me. In everything. My daily needs and more.

It seems to me that the more we have, the more we have trouble growing a deep relationship with Him that compares to one with a life based in trial. I don't think that the reason behind this is all that deep either.

The more that I have, the easier I can provide what I need and want. The more of my wants/needs that I can provide on my own, the less I need to turn to God. When I don't need Him, it's easy to let all the little distractions that are placed in front of me take precedence.

I'm imperfect.

He knows it.

So, recently I am finding it hard to let Him provide in a certain area. It is perfectly within my own power to do so. It would be so much easier to place my faith in other things. Other people. More widely acceptable options.

Instead I wait. And to some extent I feel that I wait alone. Just He and I.

Sure, my husband is willing to go along with me for the ride (sort of), but he hasn't received the same word from God that I have. His feelings are not based on His faith, but rather on mine. My mother and some others that I am quite close to are supportive, but still make me feel like perhaps I am not hearing Him perfectly clearly, or maybe He will change what He says later.

No. I really feel not. It feels very clear exactly what I am waiting for. I just have to trust Him even though it feels out there and it doesn't fit reality. I would laugh at myself a bit and say "Yeah. Right..." if it weren't for the God part of it.

But there are so many things that I am already learning from this time. I have been able to share with a couple of others this faith that I have through it...even if they do think I am wacky for it.

And so I must sit and wait.

...And feel like Noah (except FAR more trivial and unimportant). How would it feel to build a boat and have all the people around you think you are crazy? I obviously can't know that, but I do feel a little bit more for Him than I ever have in the past. I wonder if he ever questioned his "ears" when he heard God. Not just him, but all those that have trusted in God in the past. All those that have been told to be obedient in things that didn't make sense. To trust for things that may not have been that important. To let Him provide, even when they could do it without Him.

Then I remember that God doesn't work in the ways of man and how thankful I am that He doesn't. Not only do our ways often fall to the ground with an explosion, but His ways show that He is God. And how disappointing and frustrating would it be to have a God that worked in the ways of man? How would we know Him from our own works? Why would we need to trust Him at all? What would cause us to seek Him? What would make us believe Him?

But- Strength WILL rise as I wait upon the Lord. As I wait upon Him I do not grow weary or distraught. I grow more confident that He WILL provide. That is how my faith differs from one that is placed in any other than the God of Heaven.

Isaiah 40:13, 14

13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?

Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I will share the details of this story once it has come to completion. For now, just take the little things shared from my heart and let God use them as He will for your life and application. Often to speak in a vague way helps others to relate to their own circumstances anyway.

Through the Eyes of the Lord

I've been hanging on to this one for awhile. A few months ago I was having some quiet time and words just came. It's one of the ways the Lord speaks to me, He will give me one sentence and then as I write that one the rest unfolds. I sort of read it as it is written. I wanted to share it here earlier, but since I was asked to share it at our MOPS meeting today, I thought it would be best to wait. That way it is fresh for those that might happen to read my blog.

It's such a special thing when I know something is from Him and He gives me the pleasure of being a part of sharing it.

In every person’s life there comes a time when a hurdle is in front of them, sometimes even a mountain. These obstacles often seem too big for us, but then we turn to the Lord knowing that He is our only hope. It’s often necessary for a time of trouble to arise in order that we come to the next level of depth in our relationship with him.

Sometimes it’s emotional, sometimes physical, often both. No matter which, a wound is made in the beginning. Difficulty is painful and this is how the wound occurs. As time passes and we trust God and let him carry us through each small step of recovery and healing, our wound begins to close, leaving a scar. Often the scar fades, but the deeper the pain, the more likely a scar will stay with us the rest of our lives. Some scars can be sore for a long time; less deep wounds might leave a scar that is only visible.

As often is the case, we do not see things as God does. Picture a large scar on the body. Is your first thought of something you want there? I would imagine you think more along the lines of ugliness or something you would want to heal and make dissappear. We do not appreciate the scar for what it is in the eyes of God, we take away from the beauty of this simple design of God by trying to take away our unique circumstances and past. We try to limit beauty to the view of this world instead of trying to see through the eyes of our designer.

I was thinking about scars recently. I once had a deep wound in my marriage that wasn’t all that long ago. It was very painful for both my husband and myself and at the time we both wished that it had never happened and that we could take it back, make it all disappear. Time passed and by the grace of the Lord we worked through our pain. He healed our wounds and closed them slowly, bit by bit. Often I would think that the pain was healed and something would come along that bumped my scar and caused a bit of pain again, this still happens once in a while. For me, I think that this scar will be one that stays for my entire life, but God has changed the way I view it.

In the beginning I prayed for what I wanted. Lord, take away the pain and make it as if it had never happened. Please heal my wound and make me as though I were new again. I knew it was in His power. As time passed, God showed me that to heal my pain and not leave a scar would defeat the purpose and take away from His glory and the good work that He had done. We had ugliness in our lives before the actual wound even took place. I was, in essence, asking to be placed right back there where I had started. God used a deep wound to create something more beautiful than what had been there before. The scar is part of the beautiful creation He stuck in place of the old. The scar is a reminder of what the original product was and how He had taken such imperfection and created something beautiful in its place. As I have grown and continue to do so in this area, I find that I would not reverse this painful time for anything. Yes, it was harder than anything I have endured in my entire life so far, but it has produced more good in my life than anything that I have ever walked through. I embrace my scar as a reminder that God has done so much in my life and has taken my ugliness and created something new.

I have started to see all scars as beauty. They tell a story of endurance and strength, of God’s majesty, His ability, His love. A scar shows the strength of a person to make it through imperfect times. If I am to just see the improved creation with out seeing the before picture, it takes away from the beauty. If you show me a makeover in a home and don’t give me a before picture I will probably think that it’s nice, but if you show me what was there before I might be amazed at what could be done with such a wretched place. Do you see what I mean? Having the scar brings more glory to God because it is his “before”picture.

We have to stop seeing through the eyes of the world because we are not called to see as they do. Beautiful is God’s glorious creation and all that He has done. If we pray for Him to give us His eyes, we have to be willing to look through them. We have to be willing to look at things the way He does, not the way we have learned through our environment. Scars are not a thing of beauty to the culture we live in, and I wonder if this is partly because we, as God’s children, don’t embrace them. Nature embraces its beauty, the other creations of our Father do not doubt themselves, they just are. They do what they were created to do because they were not given the choice to do otherwise. When we let go of our worry and lack of confidence (which I myself have a very hard time doing), we allow God’s glory to shine through. The closer we come to the natural beings He created, who “were naked and felt no shame”, the more our beauty can shine through. We must become more like the children of God who were comfortable and proud of whom He had made each of them to be. When we allow that to take place, then even the world cannot deny fascination. Those that are not followers of Christ still see His creation in nature and appreciate it; they cannot help but see its beauty. So were we designed to be. So should we strive to be.

The question that I have been asking myself is: Am I trying to fit into the world’s image of beautiful, or God’s? Am I inclined to cling to the route that is less painful, or am I choosing to embrace the road that might be less comfortable, yet produces more growth and more reflects my Father’s glory? I am still figuring out the answer to this and I think that it will always be a process of growth, of becoming more comfortable with the creation that I am designed to be.