A Lot Like Forgiveness

Learning. It's always going on, doesn't stop our whole lives. Though I do think that as adults we have more difficulty learning instead of just repeating the same lessons because we have to actually look for them.

There are experiences in my past that deal with forgiveness. I still have a hard time not harboring negative feelings when wronged, but I have learned some things about forgiveness. Forgiving deep hurt. It's definitely not in the easy category, that's for sure.

When someone has an offense against you that is on the high end of painful and it would be understood by all if you didn't forgive...if you just closed the door on the person who clearly trampled on your "rights" as a human being, it's very painful to extend forgiveness. Sometimes the person doesn't even want or think they need you to forgive them.

The thing is, there are stages and levels of forgiving and in the beginning it's a lot about going through the motions and not feeling it. That's something that people say all the time, but I guess things like that don't become cliche for no reason. When your decision to forgive a person who has hurt you starts, you may not feel like it. You may have to talk those feelings of resentment right out of your mind and you may have to try really hard not to be mean or cry every time you see them. But it does get easier and you do move on and grow as you continue making the choice to forgive. You do start to loose the feelings of hurt. You do start to see the person for who they really are again as opposed to seeing them through the goggles of offense.

I'm learning that love can be a lot like this too. Some people you fall in love with right away. You choose the spouse that you do because they make you feel a certain way. It doesn't usually start out as work and by the time you have to work through any major issues it's usually far enough in that you have built a foundation that you can work on top of. Most people wouldn't marry someone without having "sparks" at this point. I'm sure there are some, but marriage is about "love" and not "duty" these days. When you bring a baby home from the hospital, there are feelings that grow between you and that baby. You fall in love pretty quickly, and while you don't actually choose the child you will be birthing, God has given us a bond that comes from a spawning a little drooler that comes forth from your gene pool. There are even friends that we just click with from the start. Friendships that are easy to cultivate and just happen naturally. Usually with people that have lots of similarities to us that we can relate to well.

But what about the relationships that don't come quite that easy? It seems we are to love all of God's children as we love ourselves, not just the ones that come easy. The socially awkward people that you don't really know how to react or respond to. The neighbor who has the exact opposite opinion on politics or religion from you. The family member that everyone dreads seeing at family visits because they make everyone feel so awkward. These are all people we are called to love as ourselves. Right?

Well, I am not good at that. I am not good at cultivating love.

God gives us situations that force us to work out our issues and learn what we need to learn if we let Him. If we choose to learn the lessons He sets out before us. Ana is my "love child". (I know that means something different, but who cares.)

I don't love Gumby like I love Curly and Smiles yet. That's just the truth. When she is being naughty, it's easier for me to feel upset with her quicker. She teaches me patience. When she cries, it doesn't bring out maternal feelings as often. I just want her to stop. I am her mother anyway. When her diaper is filled with solids, it often makes me feel ill (she still has institutional smelling diapers). I change her diaper anyway, just like I would Smiles. I have no choice but to go through the motions most of the time. Sometimes I fail her. I am not the perfect mother to any of our children. I loose my temper and I mess things up. But everyday I am growing just like them.

While my heart and thoughts may differ still, the actions are made the same anyway. I act toward her as I would the others as much as I can. Messing up this time doesn't mean that I have to give up for next time. I can't give up. She is here to stay. She is my daughter today...no matter how long it takes for me to feel that way.

And you know what? While I grow in my patience and while I practice love in those times that I really don't want to, love grows. Just like when I walk through the motions of forgiveness and eventually start to feel like I've forgiven...when I walk through the motions of love when I don't feel it, real love starts to grow too.

What About Those Doctor's Appointments?

I realized that I haven't given you much update on what we have found with all of the doctor's appointments that we have had with Miss Ana. And believe me, there have been PLENTY of them recently. I will give you a very condensed version.

All of the testing for international adoption came back great. No parasites, no other issues. They do quite the full route of testing there, so that's good to know.

(I promise that we DO dress our children in clothes other than pajamas...just not all the time.)

All of her DS testing has come back good too. We are still waiting on the results of her test to determine what type of Down Syndrome she has, so that we don't know yet. The genetics appointment wasn't all that big a deal for us, I suppose because of all the information we got through the process of adopting her. Most of the people involved in RR know plenty of information about DS since so many of them have children with DS, and they are not stingy with their information =).

Her neck scan/x-ray came back "good", meaning she has no issues with stability in her neck.

Heart issues- less than expected, even after our appt with our pediatrician. He thought from his listen that we would find an ASD and VSD, which are holes in her upper and lower chambers of the heart (and the cardiologist in Kyiv told us that this was the case as well). After her echo (I think I am remembering the name of that correctly...it's like an ultrasound type scan of her heart) with a pediatric cardiologist here, we found that she only has a small VSD that will most likely not need surgery. The upper part of her heart is slightly enlarged, but not enough to worry about at this point. She is old enough that he doesn't think her hole will close on it's own, but he doesn't think it will cause any issues for her. We are just going to watch her every six months for awhile to make sure.

As far as appointments with her OT (occupational therapist), she is doing amazingly well. The OT has been surprised at how well she focuses on the things we are working on and how quickly she responds. She learned a few things before even having her eval and seeing a therapist at home (learned to stack blocks, thread string through spools) very easily. When we have gone to our appointments there she learns very quickly and also works through the things that are not in her comfort zone quickly. I think of the shopping cart as a good example from home. Often she will act terrified of something and then by the time we try it next she acts as if it was never an issue. She just jumps right into it.

We have noticed that she speaks with her tongue a LOT. When I say this, I mean that while she may not express that something is causing her anxiety, you can see clearly by the way she reacts with her tongue that she is not comfortable. Especially with doctors appointments that are in unfamiliar offices, she will place her tongue all the way out, nearly going UNDER her chin. (She does have a looooong tongue.) The more anxious she is feeling about something, the more she will do it. Now, there are times that she will give us ques with sound or motions with her hands...like straight screaming or crying, or hitting something away...but those are not often and those are the times that we know she isn't ready to try something. (Hasn't happened at therapy yet, this has been in situations out in our daily life.) When we get the tongue action going on that usually says that "this is not familiar and I am not comfortable with it, but I trust you and I will give it a try". This little girl is such a persistent and focused child that she learns quite quickly. She is also very good at observing to learn (she will copy what she sees us do when it looks interesting to her, especially helpful with therapy), and she learns very quickly with instruction. Her OT told me today, after our second appointment, that she was very impressed with all that she has seen in this short time and sees her easily getting "on grade level" quickly.

We still have a long way to go with speech, which is expected with all of the things she is working with, including the fact that English is a new language for her. I think I would have a hard time with that too!

Some of her more difficult areas:

She does have a problem with "stuffing" food, which we were very prepared for. (I would prefer the stuffing to the option of not wanting to try the normal foods we eat and needing to coax her into eating.) Our OT has started us working on stimulating her mouth before eating to help with that. We just started that today, so I will let you know how it goes. They have an actual class with children that have sensory issues with eating specifically, so I am sure that her suggestions will help quite a bit. She had a lot to tell us about this issue and what some of the causes are.

We also have the speech issues. Ana will have a hearing evaluation and that should help us with a plan there. At this point we aren't sure what role hearing plays in her speaking development. Also, the mouth stimulation we are doing should help with this. It will make her more "aware" of things in her mouth and that is one of the reasons for both the "stuffing" and the word formation troubles we are seeing, according to our OT.

I think that's all the update I have on Miss Ana for right now. If there is anything you wondered about that I didn't cover, just ask in the comments and I will give an answer for you...even if it's that we haven't looked into it yet.

The Journey Home: Part 1

I figured that even though I am tired and want to go to bed, I should write a post about the second part of our adoption before I forget it all. I have far too much working against me to try and convince myself that my memory will function properly (like pregnancy and exhaustion from sleepless children), so I will face the facts and suck it up. What's another hour of sleep anyway?!?

It all started on the Monday before Christmas, last Monday actually (though it seems much farther back than that). We had called our facilitator to see what time we needed to be up and ready for them to pick us up. These people have a way of not letting you know things until 10 minutes before they are at your door...if you're lucky...so we figured it would be best to call. We knew that we would be doing lots of running that day. We found out that our facilitator was sick and wouldn't be there with us, but was sending someone to do the work with us instead and we should be ready at 8am. Okay. Sounds good to me.

We got up Monday morning and got ready...waited for them to pick us up...watched out the window. 9 rolls around...we are still waiting (which is NOT like them, they are early if anything)...9:30...9:45...we finally call Yulia, our sick facilitator, to find out what was going on. The driver and fill in facilitator had just called her to say that they were at the courthouse picking up some documents for us and they would be running later than expected. We should expect them around 11. ELEVEN?! Are you serious?! We got up and ready at 8 and were going to be waiting until 11 with no call? We weren't all that surprised to tell you the truth, but this was the day that was going to make or break our being home by Christmas, so we were more in need of things to work quickly.

Let me just tell you right now, Ukraine lived up to it's reputation well on this day. If you haven't heard anything about Ukraine's reputation, you will understand at the end of this post. If you have...you will understand how we were feeling all day.

The thing is, they did show up around 11. We went out for the birth certificate first, which was supposed to take an hour or two to get. Then we would apply for a change of name on her social security card, then the passport. THEN we would know if we were going to have to mail off to Kyiv, or if we could do our passport in region. This was our plan. Unfortunately, our region was not being like all other regions according to the fill in facilitator (who does work as a facilitator alongside our normal one, so she does have experience). What normally takes an hour or two is a 3 day thing in this region. THAT is a little beyond normal, even for UA.

Our driver pulled some of his strings and used his connections there. He came to be our driver by the fact that his son is marrying the daughter of one of the ladies that works at children's services. The same lady who rented us her apartment for such an affordable price. She came in and did her thing and it was supposed to be good and dandy...except for one thing. Our fill in lady was...well...to use our driver's words, a wet/limp fish. They didn't get along well at all. He kept doing what he could to make things happen, to open the doors, and then she wouldn't walk through them because she was fearful of walking on anyone's toes.

And before you get too worked up, this is the normal way of things there. Yulia would have walked right through whatever doors were placed in front of her and done it with confidence. N had a hard time even with the things that were perfectly normal. Yes, N and Nikolai (our driver) were NOT the best of friends. You don't want to know the things that he said about her when she was gone the next day...

Finally, we got things moving on the birth certificate change and went to eat lunch. Handsome and I were left to eat in this fancy restaurant where they checked our coats and had tons of food all brought out at different times. I was a little nervous about what the price was going to be with how fancy it was. When we got the bill, you will never guess how much it was. Salad, bread, soup, meat, mashed potatoes, juice, and I think there was something else other than Handsome's Coke- all of that added up to what would be the same as $3 each here! Crazy I tell you!

Anyway, they came in and picked us up after we ate and they had gone to get some copies done. We went back and finished filling out paperwork for the "request" for the birth certificate. Yes, ugggh....it was just the request that took that long and so things were not looking good for getting everything done that we needed to get done that day. (Did I mention that it was freezing cold outside? Well, it was. And we were walking. A lot.) After that we had to walk to a different building to actually get the birth certificate. Which, guess what? Was not ready by nearly the end of the day. Things were about to close.

I was feeling a bit discouraged that we had been able to get so little done. Then to add to things, our fill in told us that Nikolai was going to have to take us to get the rest of our things done tomorrow because she had to leave. She was going to leave us with someone who had no legal authority for our adoption and also didn't speak English. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy-he was a wonderful help to us in so many ways. BUT I still like to know what is going on at least while we are doing it.

Then the phone rang for our fill in lady. It was Yulia, our normal facilitator who shines like the sun. She is a legend. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. She knows her work well and she gets things done. Apparently she and her boss had been working all day from where they were in Kyiv to get our passport done for Ana. When I was feeling totally discouraged, thinking that there was no way we would be getting home for Christmas with our kids, they called to tell us that they were able to get the passport done the old way and that we had to leave right now to get Ana photographed before the passport place closed. Only thing is, we were still waiting for the birth certificate (which I will add is supposed to be done before you can even apply for the passport).

Handsome stayed with N and I went with Nikolai to get Ana in the car. The two of them walked all over doing things while we went and got Ana out of the orphanage to get her photo taken, took her back there, drove to the passport office with those photos...and quite a substantial amount of cash (read bribe). It was crazy. All day had gone so slow and then we had an extremely busy last hour.

I confess. I cried when I found out that we would be home for Christmas. That's the truth...and I was in the car with Nikolai because they didn't clarify that part for us before, just that we needed to get the passport done right now. I think he had thoughts like- crazy pregnant woman! or something like that.

We got all that done and then by the time we reached the passport office it was about closing time. Handsome and N were coming out and said that all the people to process it were gone for the night, but all we would have to do is come and pick it up in the morning, which is something I could handle.

We went home beaming and tried to book flights for Christmas Eve. We weren't so lucky, but we got one for Christmas Day that arrived home at noon. I had really hoped to be home on Christmas Eve because I thought the timing would be so great. We left the day after Thanksgiving and if we arrived home the day before Christmas we would have missed no holiday at all. As it was we still didn't miss a holiday and for that we are very grateful. God's timing was perfect. We left later than we had planned for due to H1N1 scares, but didn't miss Thanksgiving with our families. Then we were barely able to make it home in time for Christmas. What better timing could you ask for?

So back to the story...

The next morning we got up early again and started our trek for more paperwork. We first went to the office to change the SS card name to Ana's new last name. We got to the building and what should we meet with? Well, it's a little thing the locals like to call "control". The security guard decided that he didn't want to let us or our driver in. This is not unheard of either, but it was not the day for it. To skip around a little, we went around all day through different times trying to get different "bosses" to sign and seal giving us permission to get this piece of paperwork that we had full right to get. It was just a looney situation.

While we did that, we were also doing other things. We went to the passport office four or so times trying to get that as well. This was needed and then that...it was also just a mess of "control" that took all day. I will have you know that when we started the day I had our luggage ready to pack in the car so that we wouldn't have to come back to the apartment. Nikolai told us that we didn't need it. We weren't going to be out that long and everything was in the same area, so we would be fine. By the end of the morning, he had to call Yulia (who had shared many a phone call with him by that point) to tell her that he would have to send us on a later train than she had wanted. There just wasn't enough time. He also shared some frustrated mimes about how ditzy N was quite a few times. Apparently the instructions she left him were not what actually needed to be done, so we didn't even GET the paperwork from the first office done at all. We got something different done...I'm not sure, it was all communication that was done between people who speak nothing of the same language. Like I said, we got by just fine...but during paperwork times it is nice to have someone that speaks English.

I will spare you all the details. We did get everything done we needed to get done and had a little time for lunch in there too. Lunch which made me sick. So...while Handsome and Nikolai went to the market to get food for Ana on the train and some diapers, I stayed at the apartment and let my lunch flush down the drain. They then came back up to get me and I started to unlock the door. I couldn't open it. Handsome tried to unlock it from the outside and couldn't unlock it. It made all the sounds of unlocking, but it wouldn't open. Nikolai tried. It didn't work. I tried all directions of lock and unlock combinations with the top and bottom. Nothing worked. Nothing at all. I was stressing out, thinking what else could come against us right now! I was praying that God would just please move some of the obstacles out of our way because I was very sick and after 5 minutes of frantic attempts to unlock me from that apartment that had no fire exit, I was just ready to be done. Finally, it worked. It just decided to unlock...and then we were good.

Well, okay then and thank you Lord.

Then, we went to pick Ana up while I was still feeling queezy. I took some medicine that finally helped a little, and we waited for our driver to come and pick us up. He had left us to see Ana and let her say good bye to all those that she knew and loved as family while he bought our train tickets for us.

We waited and waited. He was later than expected. Yulia called to tell us that he had been in a small car accident, but would be there soon. She ate a little and threw a huge fit. They gave her candy to calm her. (Not something I hadn't seen them do before...candy for a fit...wahoo I was excited to break that habit when we got home!) When he finally got to us we had to rush and sign some papers, dress her in her snow pants and coat and get out the door to make our train. More crazy rushing. And my nerves were not doing well with all of that at this point. I was beginning to be a wreck of nerves with all of the events of the day. I just wanted some predictability and a chance to rest.

...we will continue tomorrow (or when I next get a chance) where we are leaving off- the train ride.

The Generosity of God

With all of the things going on for us right now, being in Ukraine bringing Anastasia home and growing another baby, I am reminded of last spring. Last spring we got our tax return. It was a rather large tax return and we had a lot of things that we wanted to use it for that were all very reasonable things.

We wanted a different car with more room for our growing family. Our car at the time was a Kia Spectra, which is a great car but was limited on space. Smiles was growing, so my knees were in the dashboard if we had anywhere to go as all four of us (he weighed too much for the infant seat, but still had to face backward), and four of us filled the car. Yes, there was a seat in the middle of the two carseats, but even aunt artsy, who is really small, could not fit between the two. We couldn't take anyone in the car with us, including the dog and we were often needing to carry extra passengers.

Old Blue, our couch, was...OLD. Our other couch wasn't in the greatest shape, but Blue was in terrible condition. It had holes in it (BIG holes in the upholstery) and was plain worn out. Blue had some very good days and was still comfortable, but you have to understand that he belonged to my grandparents before our family. I remember coming home from Kindergarten sick, driven by the school nurse Mrs. Wardle (who knew my Grandma from church, so it was all good) and sleeping on that couch. I have lots of memories with that couch, but I was not above admitting that it was time to let go.

Our carpets were in bad shape too. Our ultimate goal is to get laminate flooring for the main living space since we have a dog and little children. The person who thought it was a smart idea to build a starter home with carpeted dining room space was, in my humble opinion, NOT someone who had kids. We just would have liked to get the carpets cleaned. (Would have LOVED to get new floors, but cleaning the carpets would have been great too.) We still have a vacuum that is on it's way out, but God has blessed it with a very long last leg. It might not work as well as we would like it to, but it still gets most of the job done.

These are a few of the things that we would have liked to do with our tax return, and really we could have made it work for all of those things. (We still had a bit of hospital bills from Smiles that we owed, which got paid off before anything...but that was a must, not a flexible thing. Responsibilities must be taken care of too you know.)

But we asked God. He had been (and still is I might add) teaching us a lot about generosity. We were learning how really all we had and all that we are is His anyway. I gave my life to Christ. That means I gave Him control of everything, including the possessions that I have on this Earth. We prayed and asked Him if any of these things were something that He would allow, or if He had other plans for our cash.

What did He say? Well, it was the same answer over and over again. The words that I kept hearing were, "Be generous with me, and I will be generous with you." I kept asking for a number, "Well, how much is that God?" And all He would say in return was, "Be generous with me, and I will be generous with you." So, I finally shared with my husband what I was hearing and he agreed that we should give as much as we could to God. Everything after those responsibilities. We had a few, like that hospital bill that I mentioned for Smiles.

I have pieced it together some since then, but hadn't really looked at the big picture all together that much yet. As I am here in Ukraine, away from my two little ones that I spend all of my time with, I have a little more time for thinking. And the reality is now more real. We are close to coming home with our little Ana, we are nearly home with one of the blessings that we have been given by the Lord this year.

It all started shortly after our that moment when we decided how much we were giving. Handsome got in a car accident, which I realize sounds like quite the blessing, but it did turn out to be. If you recall the car issue that we had...well, Handsome got in a car accident that totaled the car, yet the airbag didn't go off. He had no pain after the incident, even though he should have. Our insurance company gave us $2,000 more than the car was worth blue book, and we were able to get a really good deal on a car that fit our family better. It was a definite blessing in many ways. This was all a preparation in trusting God to provide. He wanted us to recognize that if He provided for us in the things that were more worldly, then He would also provide even more for the things that He called us to. It was preparation.

Shortly after our car was provided, God led us to Anastasia. Within a very short amount of time, with no $ in our bank account (because we insisted on only buying a car we could afford without payments...thus we didn't have savings yet), we committed to Ana. God called us and we knew that we could trust Him to provide. He may not always provide in the ways that we expect Him to, and not through the people that we expect Him to, but He has provided. We have been so blessed in all of the areas of our adoption. He has gone before us in all things and has provided all that we have needed Him to provide. I have also learned that His faithfulness is not dependent upon my faith. The Lord is faithful even when I don't have the faith to trust Him in every step that He asks me to take. Sometimes I don't take small steps because I am fearful and lacking faith. He has still walked toward me. He takes more steps toward me than I can ever take toward Him. This is not meeting in the middle because I am not capable. God meets me where He knows that I am able to meet Him at the moment.

Even when I feel like I fail Him.

And what about those other things? Well, old Blue made it out of our living room too. My brother and his wife moved and couldn't fit one of their couches into the new place, so they offered to give us their couch. We gladly accepted their offer. I also have heard that we were blessed with a gift of clean carpets while we are gone. I haven't seen them yet, but I'm sure they look much better than they did when we left home.

So, as I look back, I can see that we chose to give God all that we could and He was generous with us beyond what we could have come close to expecting. (Do you think that I would have ever imagined that He would bless us with two more children? I do not think so!) He also provided for all of the things that we felt like we were sacrificing to do what He asked. And even if He hadn't, I know that I would still feel blessed beyond measure. I'm sure that the new (again) Daddy next to me would agree.

So, did God do as He said when He answered, "Be generous with me and I will be generous with you." ? I would certainly say that He did.

Wild Dogs

Interesting thing. But first, I will make sure that you know- the private blog for Ana's adoption is now public, so if you wanted to catch up on everything and didn't have access you can do so now. I will probably mostly post here now. It's easier to just have one blog to think about and log in to. You can get there by clicking here.

So, back to that interesting thing. There are lots of dogs wandering the streets here. You may or may not know that, I had personally heard about it before our arrival. Seeing is a little different, but not all that surprising. The dogs form small packs and spend their time around the people, but don't interact with the people at all. It's almost like there are two different worlds existing next to each other, but they don't acknowledge that the other exists.

On our daily 20 minute walk that we were making four times a day, there and back for two visits, we saw quite a few dogs. We would often pay attention to the dogs that hang out by the market we walk by that is just across the street from our apartment. There are two dogs that tend to be near the entrance to the market and sit near a fish vendor. Every morning when we are walking by, about 10:15 am, the fish vendor is pulling up to the sidewalk and opening up the back of his van. The back door pops up like a roof and he puts a tarp to make a side of protection. He sets up a scale, then brings out a bin of live fish. I wouldn't call them lively by any means, but they are alive...splish splashing around every now and again. Sometimes this dog will get fish heads or other tasty treats from the vendor. Other times women from inside will give the two dogs bones from the meat they have been cutting and selling. (I wouldn't buy meat here...most of it is not held to the standards that I would require for my meat.)

We also frequent a pizza place. When we first walked in we asked for an "English menu" and they had one (which we learned from our friend Ellen in Kyiv). They are quite kind and easy to buy food from, so we go most days. Oh...and did I mention they are cheap? Well, we get two individual pizzas and two bottles of soda for what would equal about $5 total. There are a couple of dogs outside the pizza place that we see regularly. They seem to get bones once in awhile from random people and then sleep around the buildings curling up. The people don't exist to them unless they have food for them or initiate interaction.

At night, something changes. In the late evening we start to hear the dogs bark and howl. It sounds as though they are in large groups at this point with many dogs. During the day we only see two to three at a time, but at night...at night they sound like very large groups. Something will set them off and they bark and bark running around. This was all interpreted by sound.

Until...

Yesterday morning our dog sounds seemed to migrate to our apartment complex. I started to hear them outside barking. They were very loud and sounded like they were in "attack mode", so I decided to look outside the window to see what this nighttime dog pack looked like. We had heard them nearly every night, but had never had them close enough to see.

I kind of wish they had stayed far away. I looked out the window to see a man in his car trying to get out of the complex. His car was surrounded by 8 or so dogs, barking and howling at him. They wouldn't let up and were really "attacking" his car! After some time, he turned off his car and just sat there waiting. He couldn't very well get out... Then he was saved. Another man went to his car and started it up. As you can imagine, a running car is more interesting than one that is sitting there doing nothing, so they ran over to the new car and barked at their new target. First man then started up his car and got out of there quickly. I don't know the talents of the second driver, but somehow he wasn't stuck long. He didn't even seem to be caught up by the dogs in the slightest bit. Later I saw this group around people and I was quite nervous about leaving our apartment to walk to see Ana. I am NOT an animal person most of the time, though we have a cat and dog at home. And I am NOT okay with wild packs of dogs surrounding me as you can imagine.

The time came for us to leave, and fortunately the dogs had gone off to another location for the time being. We got to the orphanage safely, albeit freezing nearly to death. (Which reminds me to tell you that it's been very cold here and we have only been visiting Ana in the morning because the snow is too bad for our driver at night, and way too cold for walking.) Walking home was no piece of cake either, but we got here and made it inside because of an old man's kindness. His kindness to the dogs...which became kindness to us even if he didn't know it. As we slyly walked in to the parking area, he was walking away from us with a bag full of bones for the dogs. I think he was leading them somewhere else. We were sneaking inside without any attention from the dogs and it seems that our old man friend had a good plan because I haven't heard them so close since then.

So, all that to tell you they have some interesting dogs in Ukraine. I was not scared of them at all until we saw the large pack of them that chases people down, but to be fair most of the dogs have been much different than those. If you visit, don't be surprised if you encounter something like either type of these dogs. Nice ones or not, you are sure to encounter wild dogs of some kind.

Court

Today we had our court appointment to determine if they would grant us the privilege of being Anastasia's parents. It went well, though we were the first in this region to adopt special needs, we are very young (and they make sure that they point this out often for us), and we don't have a special needs child already. In the end though, we were granted rights to Anastasia and she is now officially our daughter. We can't take her out of the orphanage yet, but she is ours.

So...what happens now?

Now we wait for ten days before we can do anything. This wait is so that anyone in the country can have an opportunity to appeal the decision that was made today. Since she has had no interest in her by her parents or her adult siblings (which we just found out about today...she has two adult siblings that have never shown an interest in her at all), we don't believe that anyone would appeal this.

Then, after our ten days of visiting with Ana twice a day, and seeing any sights that we would like to see, we start the process of coming home. In region, meaning here in her town, we have three things to do. First, we get her birth certificate, which is thankfully in this city. That makes things faster for us. We get the birth certificate changed to have our names as her parents. This is done same day in a matter of an hour or so. Then we change her social security card to have her new name on it. Also done same day, so this is done the same day that the birth certificate is changed. Finally, we get her a passport. Now this is the part that we need prayer over. We will be able to make it home for Christmas IF our facilitator team is able to pull some strings to get the passport done the old way. The old way is done in region, the new way is done in Kiev. The old way we get it back right away, the new way we must wait for 3-5 business days for it to arrive back from Kiev. So, if we don't make it home for Christmas, we will be just shy of it.

This is the part that we need prayer for. Pray that we are able to get our passport the old way so that we can be home for Christmas with all of our kids. ALL of them =).

After these things we leave for Kiev where we will spend one day doing things at the US embassy (getting a visa, and medical clearance for Ana), and then the next day we can leave for home. This is all that is left between us and home. Home with our normal routine (or what will become our normal routine), and all of the people we miss.

This is my update for now. I am tired and ready for bed, but wanted to be sure and update you before I go to sleep...

You Want to See Ana

I need to show you all some photos of Ana on this blog! Just so you know, whoever said that you need to bring forty books and three hundred things to do was NOT having the same experience that I am. I have not cracked a book. We get up, have breakfast and get ready, then check our e-mail and online things. We leave to go and visit Ana. We come home for the middle of the day, which is my favorite part of the day. This time includes lunch, any outside stuff we are going to do, like going to the market, blogging, facebook, and things of that nature. Then we leave to go visit Ana for our second visit of the day. That visit is a little long since we are mostly in a room with her for two hours. We all get a little bit bored since we have a very limited amount of things to do. After that, we come home and make dinner, Skype with our kids if it chooses to work that day, and then often fall asleep right after that. It's a long day.

But anyway, I'm sure you would like to see little miss Ana.


That's our little cutie. She loves her Daddy. Mommy is okay, and if she is upset and wants a snuggle Mommy works well. Mostly it's all about Dad though, which is quite like the kids at home. If they want to play, Daddy is the man. If they want comfort or snuggles, then they come to Mom.

I also wanted to update on the Tonya front. Tonya's funds are up quite a bit. She has a little over $4,000 in her angel tree fund and $2200 in her regular fund. Her total right now is $6, 225! You guys are awesome! We have Tonya well on her way to her family and I think we will get her there soon. Thank you to those of you that have contributed to her fund, and thank you also to those that are praying for her. Your prayers are the best way to get her home to the family that God has for her. I will update all of you as soon as I know a family has committed to her and give you any information that I can about that family. Once one of these children makes it into your heart, you have a special attachment even if you can't bring them home. I know this because of all of the families that have contacted me through our process and shared with us all the praying and fund raising they have done for Anastasia. It has blessed us greatly to hear the love that many have had for our daughter and I know that your love for little Tonya will bless her forever family too.

On Our Way

It's been a little while since I updated you all on the progress of our adoption. Part of that is because of some delays that weren't expected. We thought we would get a travel date a little over a week ago, but then the country that we are traveling to had some closures of most of the public facilities due to that special illness that is going around. We weren't expecting to get a date for travel until after things opened back up in three weeks.

But...today, we got a surprise e-mail from our lovely facilitator that gave us a date for our appointment with the State Department of Adoptions. That is the appointment where we will get a referral for our little girl and from there we get to go and meet her and begin the process of bringing her home!

We will be traveling out the day after Thanksgiving and will have our appointment that Monday. It's getting closer! Ana, here we come =).

Now, a few of you might be wondering the status of our funds. We have been able to get a loan (through Handsome's 401K) that got us what we need to travel, after some other people blessed us with donations too. This loan is higher than what we can afford each month, but is the only option we had and I know that God will work it out one way or another. At first I was frustrated with a few things about that option, but then I realized that God was giving us an opportunity to continue growing our faith in His ability to make sure we have the things we need even after we bring Ana home. And really, that is a blessing. It's just hard to see that when you are frustrated with the first view of numbers that don't work.

His Hands

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

What's New?

Well, I haven't updated like I should have, though lots of you know what is going on with our adoption through other means.

We finished all the US side of things as far as paperwork goes, and last week mailed off our dossier (paperwork for the government in Ana's country). That means that it will be received (if it hasn't already...I need to check on that), translated, and submitted to their government. Then we will receive a travel date. We are hoping that will be sometime before the end of the month...but God's timing is perfect =).

That's where we are in the paperwork part of the process. Now our focus is packing and finances.

So, I want to say- Praise be to God for the ways He has provided so far. We needed $24,000 at the start. We are left only needing $7,000. How huge is that!? Keeping my eyes focused on that is encouraging.

I have been reminded and told that I can't just close my eyes and wait for Him to deliver the rest as well. We have known He would provide. Yes sir that is true indeed. I have to confess though, that my follow through with prayer for that specific area has been lacking though. Since I trusted that He would provide...I only prayed it here and there. Not like I should.

This week: "You do not have because you do not ask." James 4:2

Oooookaaaay....I guess you've got me Lord. We had some conversation. As usual, He was right. So, our prayers have reflected that. We have changed the error that the Lord brought to our attention and listened to the verses that tell us to ask. To ask persistently. (Did you know there are quite a few of those? Who knew!)

Then also...ummm....well, I had a harder time listening to Him about another area, so He had to bring in the hammer. You know, when He has to hit you over the head with it in such an obvious way that you can't blame Him for not making it clear. It's all on you after that. He used some other folks to basically tell me that I am being foolish and selfish by not sharing our needs.

As I am sure most of you know, it is hard to ask when something is for yourself. Even if it's for a really good reason. I have no problem with letting people know about the needs of others when it comes to their adoptions, but I know I am not the only one that has a hard time doing it for our own. It feels uncomfortable. I avoid getting into numbers in any way other than sharing what the Lord has done. And seriously, that's a good thing to share too. It's amazing what the Lord has brought to us! I don't ever want to forget that. I don't want you to forget it.

But God also said, share your need. Don't rob others of the chance to be blessed by giving. (Ouch.) He knows where to hit me because this year I have been growing in the area of generosity a lot, and have learned the JOY that it is to give. And to rob others of that joy...(though I still argued that there are lots of places for people to give...He didn't even give me a response to that one though)

So, uncomfortable as it may be for me, I feel that I need to share our specific physical need. God has given us close to $17,000. That's awesome stuff! We only need $7,000 more before we leave. If I'm honest with you, that number still feels really big when we only have like a week and a half to receive it (bank stuff means we need it two weeks before travel) ...but I shouldn't feel that way. God's been so faithful. And actually, my faith has been raised recently. Amazingly raised. And now that I feel that I am being obedient to the Lord, I feel even more confident that He will provide somehow. He is God.

I am asking that you pray specifically for the amount that we need and for it to come in the next week.

Now, I must also say that I feel so blessed to have blog friends and readers that I can ask for prayer from and know that it will come. So many of you have been a great blessing to our family and I thank you for ALL the ways that you have blessed our family.

And lastly, on a slightly different topic, when we leave we will be posting to Ana's adoption blog. We are going to change it to a private blog for the time while we are out of the country. If you would like to be able to view it while we are gone please e-mail me with your e-mail address or leave it in the comments. (You won't get an invite until we are close to leaving.) Then you can follow us through the process while we are there. I do plan to write there more than I have here recently. I might have a little more down time =).

HA! I also forgot one large thing. We have been trying to figure out this whole time who "child number two" is. Well, the questioning is done there as Handsome and I found out a little over a week ago that we are expecting in late May.

...sorry I forgot such an important detail...

I Can't Sleep

Dearest friends, I cannot sleep tonight. I cannot sleep because I am joyful, yet at the same time I am struggling. There is more going on in this mind than I am able to hold and I decided it might help to release to you...stop holding little things back.

Let's start with the joy, that's the fun part. We received our United States Customs and Immigration Services approval for our adoption today in the mail. That's a huge step and means we are not far off from travel...we could be traveling in four weeks! On top of that, we had an issue with the social worker's license that would be expiring at the end of this month and he hadn't received his new one in the mail yet. I got word tonight that he mailed it to us yesterday...that's another praise to God. By all means, He is working right now.

I have felt very much as though I am in His favor right now. I don't know how else to describe it, but the last few days seem like everything that comes has either been good, and if it hasn't been, then it seems that these things have melted right before my eyes. Faster than my emotions could respond, any issues were gone.

Yet at the same time I cannot forgo sharing the faith issue that I am having. I feel like a walking contradiction. I trust, though I have trouble trusting. I KNOW, yet I lack sufficient faith. Does anyone understand what I mean by that? I feel like it is impossible...like I am crazy in myself and that this can't be possible because it is opposing, yet I know that things are never "normal" with God and that someone out there MUST know how I feel because...well, because there just has to be.

I KNOW that God provides for His good ideas, even if He doesn't always provide for "our good ideas". I KNOW that this was HIS idea. I stated that I want to follow Him so fully that if He doesn't follow through I am in DEEP trouble. And I do, but then the follow through comes...and that is hard. We are down to the wire. We have very little time left and I am desperately trying to hold on to my faith that He will follow through.

And let me stop myself to PRAISE Him. Because it is no small thing that God has provided the amount of funding that He has thus far. We have raised $8,429.25 in just a few months. That is awesome, wonderful, amazing, GOD. He has been here. He is walking with us. He is holding our hands.

God has opened doors when they needed to be opened. God has made connections where we needed to make connections. He gave us patient and gracious people to work with when the paperwork hassles came and we had to redo things 6 times. God has walked each step.

So...what's wrong with me? Why do I have trouble trusting when He has proven faithful every step thus far? When He has never left me high and dry? I know I'm human...and I have never had to trust Him this much before. It's hard!

Are we getting two kids, or just one? Because if we are getting two, then we have a big jump to make still. If we are getting one...well, we still have a big jump to make. And I don't know how it's going to happen.

Adoption grants and loans are mostly for people with agencies...in fact, I haven't found any (other than one that we missed the cut off for the quarterly application process for) that don't require an agency. The country we are working with only does independent adoptions. There are things that you can do after you get home...that will give you funding when you are home with your child...well, that won't help us. We have some funding help through Handsome's company (Target- love Target), but we have to figure out how to front that money. Do we have that laying around? Uhhh...nope.

So, I'm sorry to vent to you all. I have tried not to share the hard stuff with you too much because I mostly want you to share in the joys with us. But tonight. Well, tonight I need to ask for prayer. Mega prayer. Prayer for my faith (and Handsome's too), prayer for our child(ren) in another country, prayer for ALL the stinking things I have to get done before we can go that are driving me MAD. Prayer for wisdom on a couple of very big things that we haven't figured out yet. Would you pray? I KNOW and don't have any trouble believing in the power of prayer, I KNOW that will help. I know that is what we need. I know it will ease my mind. I know that my burden will be lifted by the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe that I may have tried to carry my burden alone for too long and that we were given the body of believers for many reasons.

I would say it's about time that I shared my burden with the family that God has given me through His blessed sacrifice. Your prayers are desperately needed right now, and I thank you for each and every one.

God's Word

Isn't it interesting when you realize how God's Word is truly alive! He speaks through His written word, just as He speaks by the Spirit. It's amazing.

I have to be honest with you. While most of the time I have been blessed with faith to trust in His timing and that He WILL provide as He has said He will, it can be a little difficult. Most of the time I have little thought of the financial status of our adoption (which I PRAISE Him for because I am prone to worry and stress over little things, let alone the big stuff). From time to time though, as we get closer to the end of the wire...things can get a little hairy. Not like freaking out or developing an ulcer, but thoughts of questioning come in. Some of those questioning thoughts are produced by conversations with people who either directly or indirectly question my faith. Usually well meaning, just not as supportive as needed. Just being honest here.

So tonight I was feeling a bit discouraged. I KNOW that God said He would provide for our adoption. I KNOW that He is faithful to follow through. I KNOW that He wants to grow my faith by waiting and forcing me to trust in HIM and nothing/nobody else. I KNOW that if I am faithful to wait upon Him, He WILL provide. And really that's what I want. I want to live the kind of life that requires me to trust Him. A life where if He doesn't come through for me- I am up that creek with no paddle and three holes in my boat. That's what I want. That's what He is giving me.

But, while I want that in my heart, my head is not so easily connected with that. So...sometimes I question myself. I question whether or not I heard Him correctly. I question whether or not He really cares enough about my little life to follow through without forgetting. I question whether my faith is enough.

And guess what? It's okay. Cause it's not about me at all. Following Jesus is NEVER about what I can do. It's always about what HE can do. My life is about bringing Him glory, nothing more. So...do you think it brings Him more glory if I breeze through every challenge I come to? Or does it bring Him more glory if I have some trouble and have to call on Him even for the faith to continue trusting Him? You guessed it. In my weakness HE is strong.

So, because of His compassion my daily reading spoke in big ways to my heart. He always has a way of speaking through the planned reading too. No need for flipping around folks, just keep going with the normal reading. Earlier today I read Matthew 13, so tonight I decided to read a little more and was in Matthew 14. Here is a recap of what was said:

v. 17- The disciples said to Jesus that they only had five loaves of bread and two fish when Jesus asked them to feed 5,000 men and their women and children. He told them to bring the food to him, and there was more than plenty to feed them all.

HE IS ABLE TO PROVIDE EVEN WHEN THERE ISN'T MUCH TO WORK WITH.

v. 28 starts the story of Peter walking on the water. Sometimes I feel like we hear the stories so much that they can loose their potency. Peter asks to be called out on the water. Jesus calls Him. Peter walks out. BUT...

"But, when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

Peter could have kept walking on the water if He had focused on Jesus and kept his eyes off of the wind and lack of calm. But also notice how Jesus was right there the whole time and the moment Peter lacked the faith necessary, Jesus saved him. Immediately. He also confirms that Peter's doubt is what caused Him to begin to sink. Doubt is a dangerous thing. Thankfully my Jesus is here to lift me up when I fall. He sends me His words when I am starting to doubt and He encourages me when I need it. Sometimes He lets me go until I reach the point of breaking, but I know he is always there to catch me.

A Few Honest Words

I know I haven't been around a lot, but I wanted to share this post with you today.

This Mom is part of the Ukraine chat group that we have on Monday nights and she shared well some of the feelings that I have. I thought it would be simple to just send you there. I haven't known how I wanted to write it out because it comes out kind of...not pretty when I have tried.

We are nothing special. We are the ones who are blessed by the calling that the Lord has given us. We know there will be difficult times, but the ways we have been and will be blessed are far greater than those times. Do not view us as what we are not. We are not any stronger, braver, loving, or financially prepared than you or anyone else.


He spoke. We said yes.


That's the simple truth.

The quote that she put at the end of her post is one that has also been going through my head often since reading it. I figure it makes a good opportunity to also share with you a link to THIS BLOG. Katie is the kind of crazy that I hope to be. Truly, I hope that one day people look at my life and the first word that comes to mind is crazy. So fully submitted to my Lord that there is no explanation other than abiding in HIM. This young woman (20 I think) has left her life here for one far different than the one she probably imagined. I urge you to take a look at some of her past entries and support this ministry. The decision to do so was an easy one for our family and might be for yours as well. Not because of how special Katie is, but because we know that God is clearly seen there. It's about HIM, and that is visible.

(This post is a good one to give you a run down of the history...)

It's About Time I Did a Raffle!

It's a well known fact 'round these parts that I like to make cards. My mother-in-law got me into it when she first started scrapbooking and took some card classes. She was oh so wonderful enough to bring the tools and paper to do the cards she made each month so that I could copy the ones from her class. And so my love of card making began.

The thing I love about cards is that they are done quickly and you don't have to figure out so much stuff. I mean, a card is such a small space compared to a 12x12 piece of paper! It's something I can do in an evening and I don't have to have pictures on hand (printed of course...I always have PLENTY of photos on the hard drive).

My mother-in-law has also been so sweet as to surprise me with little goodies here and there (actually much more than she should have sometimes), so I have been able to try a variety of things and really figure out my favorites. And guess what?!? She donated one of my FAVORITE stamp sets for a raffle! I am so excited. I use this stamp set all the time. I think my most favorite is the little lady bug, but I do love them all.

So...here is what you can win with this raffle:

The Stampin' Up! stamp set- Garden Whimsy shown below (retails for $32.95)

...AND a birtday pack of 5 handmade cards, designed by me. I had some help putting some of them together =). Each card is 4 inches square.

Yes, I did think of Lu when making the one below. How could I not do a Poppy when raising money for Ana when she is the reason that I even found Reece's Rainbow?

Now, how do you win these items? You can click on the side bar on the "chip in" button. For every $5 that you donate, you will be entered in a drawing to win them. Please pass the word on so that we can raise as much as possible, of course =). Please leave a note in the chip in with your e-mail so that I can contact you if you win.

If you don't win the stamp set and cards, but would like some of the cards shown here I have 14 more sets available to buy. They are $6.25 for each set, plus shipping. If you live nearby I will just give them to you to skip that step.

Every last cent goes toward Anastasia's adoption process. (I'm sure that comes as no surprise to you though...)

Thank you for all of your support as always friends, and thanks for spreading the word!

Word

So often the Lord speaks sweet words of encouragement when we need them. It probably won't mean much to you because it was meant for me, but I wanted to share it anyway.

I was praying yesterday about the swiftness of Ana's process, and struggling with internal feelings. My desire is for her to be home right now. My desire is to be fully and completely at peace with God's timing. Not wanting to push God, I was slacking in the depth of feeling and asking in my prayers. He spoke.

Psalm 114

¹ When Israel came out of Egypt,
the house of Jacob from a people of foreign tongue,

² Judah became God's sanctuary,
Israel his dominion.

³ The sea looked and fled,
the Jordan turned back;

⁴ the mountains skipped like rams,
the hills like lambs.

⁵ Why was it, O sea, that you fled,
O Jordan, that you turned back,

⁶ you mountains, that you skipped like rams,
you hills, like lambs?

⁷ Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,

⁸ who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.

I am thankful that there is NONE like my God. My savior can move the mountains, be they made of paperwork or boulders. He is mighty to save, yes HE is MIGHTY to SAVE.

Pendulum

Pendulum.

I am swinging.

Back........................and...........................forth.

Slowly it began. Slight swaying, slowly each way I gained momentum. Force is gained. Weight is added to each stroke. Each swoosh of rhythm.

Peaceful..................................Anxious

Patient....................................Short-fused

Steady......................................In need of bracing

Excited......................................Too busy to think

Victorious.............................................Failed

Energetic...............................Exhausted

I am on a ride. Thankfully this ride is controlled by very capable hands.

USCIS Sent

This morning we got our USCIS application sent off, our last documents (which we notarized this weekend thanks to Grandma S.) for our homestudy sent off, and deposited all the earnings from the weekend at the bank. It feels oh so good to have that all taken care of!

I had started writing more with this post about a question I've been getting, but then decided upon further thinking that I didn't want to do that right now. I may post it later, but for now I don't feel the time is right. So, while you might read this and think that it's awfully short, I actually spent quite a bit of time writing tonight.

Just Worn Out

I have to be honest. I am just plain worn out today. My kids have both been sick and Smiles is still very much looking like death. We had our second garage sale yesterday and today, which was not good for him as he didn't nap well. Little sleep = boy not getting better quickly. And can I just say- Smiles is known for being happier than your average child, apparently he is just more extreme than most. When he is feeling well, which is most of the time, he is a very pleasant child. When he is sick...he is grumpier than the typical child as well. He likes to make up for his normal easiness.

My emotions are running high due to lack of sleep and also just the hearts of people around us. While fund raising is a lot of work, it is still wonderful to get the support that we have.

I just don't like that they make me cry sometimes.

There are so many people that have donated either with items, finances, or both for our little Ana. I am an easily teared girl anyway (just ask anyone in my MOPS group- that's possibly what I am most known for there), so this just adds to the tearing up. Yesterday a man stopped with his truck and got out. He said, "Who's adopting?!" in a very commanding voice...I thought I was going to be in trouble! My Mom pointed to me and said, "She is." He then handed me a $20 bill and said that he had two kids in his truck that were adopted and they wouldn't have been able to do it without help. They were two very adorable children in the year and a half range that had been home for one year. I was just touched by his story. I am touched by many of the stories that I hear.

Another family that is blending two households came by today. They were so very generous with a financial donation and also a truck load of stuff. He said that he could bring about 10 more trucks as well if we would like them (we will have to figure out somewhere to put that...we might have to have a sale at our house as well).

A couple came by this morning a paid way more than the stuff they got was worth, took a flier to post at the local hospital where she works, and then brought a check for $60 by in the afternoon.

People have been so generous. God is faithful to provide.

With all of that, I am still feeling drained. Drained emotionally. Drained physically. Drained of patience. Just plain drained.

There is so much farther to go, but I also know that God will take us through it. We are greatly blessed through every move that He guides us in. This process is far from an exception! We have amazing family and friends. We have a great and very supportive church family. Our community is full of loving and generous people that also want to help. I know that God will use our call to bring Himself glory. That's what always happens when we listen to His voice. I am willing and excited to be given something so special as adding a child to our home. I couldn't ask for better direction from the Lord (and really, isn't He always asking us to do something that will fit us perfectly?)!

So, yes. I am a slacking blogger. I need sleep. And this post has been typed through watering eyes. You will have to forgive me for not keeping you better posted. Something's gotta give, and the blog is an area that has some flexibility.

And for those that are wondering, our totals for the two g-sales together equals $1556.30. So far we have raised $6,481.30! Thank you Lord for your provision. We are grateful for all that you have provided so far.

...now, it's off to bed with me.

Ana Update and a Fish

There's a short little update now posted on Ana's blog. Check it out if you want to follow along in the process.


...and some fish kisses from Curly. She thinks she's cute or something...

Interview

If you would like to read the interview that Lucille from the Poppies blog did, just click here

Lu made the button for Ana and is also the reason that we found Reece's Rainbow. I'm so glad that God used her to lead us to our little girl.

There are many other families over there on her blog if you click on the drop down menu that says Reece's Rainbow, then Meet the families. Or you can click on the words "Meet the..." at the bottom of our interview post and it will take you to all of her posts about other Reece's Rainbow families.