I Can't Sleep

Dearest friends, I cannot sleep tonight. I cannot sleep because I am joyful, yet at the same time I am struggling. There is more going on in this mind than I am able to hold and I decided it might help to release to you...stop holding little things back.

Let's start with the joy, that's the fun part. We received our United States Customs and Immigration Services approval for our adoption today in the mail. That's a huge step and means we are not far off from travel...we could be traveling in four weeks! On top of that, we had an issue with the social worker's license that would be expiring at the end of this month and he hadn't received his new one in the mail yet. I got word tonight that he mailed it to us yesterday...that's another praise to God. By all means, He is working right now.

I have felt very much as though I am in His favor right now. I don't know how else to describe it, but the last few days seem like everything that comes has either been good, and if it hasn't been, then it seems that these things have melted right before my eyes. Faster than my emotions could respond, any issues were gone.

Yet at the same time I cannot forgo sharing the faith issue that I am having. I feel like a walking contradiction. I trust, though I have trouble trusting. I KNOW, yet I lack sufficient faith. Does anyone understand what I mean by that? I feel like it is impossible...like I am crazy in myself and that this can't be possible because it is opposing, yet I know that things are never "normal" with God and that someone out there MUST know how I feel because...well, because there just has to be.

I KNOW that God provides for His good ideas, even if He doesn't always provide for "our good ideas". I KNOW that this was HIS idea. I stated that I want to follow Him so fully that if He doesn't follow through I am in DEEP trouble. And I do, but then the follow through comes...and that is hard. We are down to the wire. We have very little time left and I am desperately trying to hold on to my faith that He will follow through.

And let me stop myself to PRAISE Him. Because it is no small thing that God has provided the amount of funding that He has thus far. We have raised $8,429.25 in just a few months. That is awesome, wonderful, amazing, GOD. He has been here. He is walking with us. He is holding our hands.

God has opened doors when they needed to be opened. God has made connections where we needed to make connections. He gave us patient and gracious people to work with when the paperwork hassles came and we had to redo things 6 times. God has walked each step.

So...what's wrong with me? Why do I have trouble trusting when He has proven faithful every step thus far? When He has never left me high and dry? I know I'm human...and I have never had to trust Him this much before. It's hard!

Are we getting two kids, or just one? Because if we are getting two, then we have a big jump to make still. If we are getting one...well, we still have a big jump to make. And I don't know how it's going to happen.

Adoption grants and loans are mostly for people with agencies...in fact, I haven't found any (other than one that we missed the cut off for the quarterly application process for) that don't require an agency. The country we are working with only does independent adoptions. There are things that you can do after you get home...that will give you funding when you are home with your child...well, that won't help us. We have some funding help through Handsome's company (Target- love Target), but we have to figure out how to front that money. Do we have that laying around? Uhhh...nope.

So, I'm sorry to vent to you all. I have tried not to share the hard stuff with you too much because I mostly want you to share in the joys with us. But tonight. Well, tonight I need to ask for prayer. Mega prayer. Prayer for my faith (and Handsome's too), prayer for our child(ren) in another country, prayer for ALL the stinking things I have to get done before we can go that are driving me MAD. Prayer for wisdom on a couple of very big things that we haven't figured out yet. Would you pray? I KNOW and don't have any trouble believing in the power of prayer, I KNOW that will help. I know that is what we need. I know it will ease my mind. I know that my burden will be lifted by the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe that I may have tried to carry my burden alone for too long and that we were given the body of believers for many reasons.

I would say it's about time that I shared my burden with the family that God has given me through His blessed sacrifice. Your prayers are desperately needed right now, and I thank you for each and every one.