Hearing God's Voice- My Story

I have been reading the comments on the previous post and want to thank those that have shared.  I appreciate your sharing!  If you haven't read that post, you might want to read it first.

I told you that I would share with you part of my story and experience learning to listen and hear from the Lord.  Before I get into the details I want to restate what I mentioned in the last post.  I believe that each person is unique and has their own relationship with the Lord.  We are individuals and our God is creative and limitless.  Just as I speak to each of the people in my life differently, it's likely that the way He speaks to me is different (be that by a lot or a little) than the way in which He speaks to, or will speak to you.  It's more that I thought it would be good to have examples for a frame of reference.  Sharing our experience can help others to grow in their relationship with God, just like sharing an experience from your marriage or parenting could help someone in a different family, with different relationships, take something away that would be beneficial to their situation.  My experiences do not dictate what theirs will look like, but might give inspiration or a starting direction.  It might be that the only effect is to remind eachother of how exciting it can be to really live on God's path and to hear from Him.  Because, really, how awesome is it that we even have that privilege?  GOD wants to talk with me?  It's easy to forget how crazy that really is!

Where to start?  The Bible.  That's my opinion of course, but I am pretty sure that most of us would agree on that point.  God gave us written words.  Words that we cannot mistake for someone other than God.  Words that are truth and alive.  I've heard a few times, "I just wish that God would talk to me in a big loud voice so that I KNOW that it's Him and not my own thoughts!" ...or something similar.  Well, we don't have to question anything in God's word.  We know how to read.  We know what the words on the page say, and He told us that they are truth.  If we believe Him, then we believe scripture.

Forever and ever, no matter how far I grow in my relationship with the Lord, no matter how confident I become in hearing His voice, I KNOW that if something in scripture doesn't match up- the scripture is the truth and what I heard is not from God.  The Bible is always there to be used as a confirmation.  I know that all things should go through the filter of scripture and that's why it is so important for me to have a regular time reading and studying it.  I love how God uses His word and has shown me that it is alive.  Let me share deeper on that.

When I began seeking a different kind of relationship with Him, I was looking for a specific change.  I wanted it to be truth when I said that I follow Jesus.  When I say that I am following my friend to find a location that I have never been to, that person is leading.  I'm not making the decisions, I'm just going where I'm told (or in this case shown) to go.  I felt like my life should be like that with God.  I still feel like it should be way more like that by the way, but I have to remind myself all the time that I am in progress.  I lack grace for myself and want to throw me away when I'm not perfect.  (Good thing God doesn't feel that way and He saves me from myself.)  So, anyway, I was asking God to show me how to do that.  How am I supposed to follow You like that?  How can I say that I give You my whole life and then still dictate where and how I go?  I feel like I am trying to ask You for advice on what to do with the situations that I brought myself to (be they positive or difficult), instead of being led to every circumstance that I find myself in.

The logical place to start was by reading my Bible regularly and praying.  Before I started to hear His voice outside of scripture, I started to hear Him there.  I learned more of what He was like and I had a spot to go everyday.  Most of the time, my reading is just where I left off the day before.  Often that includes a couple of different areas, but it's not a jump around thing.  It's a "set" place where I go.  The AWESOME thing about this is that it gives me such confidence is God and how truly amazing He is.  Time after time, the words that I read fit perfectly with something that I needed to hear or that gives instruction.  And it can't be chance when it's the same area I've been reading for so long.  How stinking beautiful is it that He KNOWS where I am going to be reading in three weeks and He KNOWS what I am going to be wondering or questioning or going through, and He KNOWS what I will need to hear...and then His Spirit makes it jump right off the page to fill the questions in my heart and mind?!?  Seriously.  If a man could do that, you can bet that people all over would know about it.  Word would spread quickly.  How HUGE is God, how AWESOME that He can do things like that!

As time passed a bit in my reading, I was guided to change some things in my life.  We were not doing things that were particularly bad, just had some things that were cluttering our lives with things that were not beneficial.  I want my life to be about God, not about having God in it.  We decided as a family to let go of our television.  It was something that took up lots of time and we didn't even like most of the shows we watched.  We felt like there were plenty of things there that didn't look pleasing to God, and we weren't huge TV addicts.  There were books that got let go of, movies that went bye bye, and computer time was cut.  This wasn't a choice of legalistic things, it was just what we felt like God was asking our family to let go of.  There were some other things too, but I can't remember all of the changes we made at that time.

The result- quiet.  Our home was more peaceful.  We had more time on our hands.  When we started this change, we weren't sure what we would fill that time with.  Now Handsome and I have commented to each other how we don't know how we could waste all that time on something we didn't even really like doing that much.  Clutter was removed from our lives that was making it harder to hear from the Lord.  It was like we had been in a forest near a stream and couldn't hear the water flowing because of a logging project going on right next to us.  When the loggers left, the peaceful sound of the stream was clear and it was easier to hear it flowing over the rocks.  Instead of straining to hear it, the stream actually became quite loud.

I began a journal during my quiet time with the Lord.  This was probably when the biggest change took place, though if I hadn't started with the ground work, I doubt the journal would have made that much difference.  My journal helps in a few ways.  First, God doesn't always answer questions right away.  Sometimes He will answer a few days later, or even a week or more.  Going back and looking at the answers to questions that I have written is a good way to remember God's faithfulness.  Second, it helps me to remember and keep track of things.  Verses that stand out to me get written down and often I don't know why they stood out until later on down the road.  He often speaks to me in words.  Sometimes, I ask a question and then get an answer right away.  Sometimes, when I'm just sitting there listening to Him, He will say something...I write it down.  Then, I can see if it is confirmed with scripture because I have the words right there.  The specifics of the words are often very important and the things that are said have great meaning based on the specific wording used.  It's important to me that I have this written down so that I can look back at the exact words.  Third, it keeps me focused.  Somehow, when I am writing things down during our time together it keeps me focused.  I'm less likely to get distracted when journaling.

I want to stop here and remind you that this is ONLY and account of how things have happened for me.  This isn't the way everyone's time with God will look like and it's not a way that would work for everyone.  It's just how things have developed for me.  Some people might even have issues with something that I did or do.  I just want to remind you of these things and say that whether it was a good or bad method, I did learn and grow a lot through this time and process.  God takes a willing heart and leads it to closeness with Him.  It's about the true desire of the heart to know God and find His will, not about specific steps taken to make that progress.

When I started my journal, it would often look the same.  I started with the date, followed by any questions that I had for the Lord.  Then I would tell Him that I was open to whatever He had to say to me.  I knew that if it was time for any of the questions to receive answer, He would speak to those things.  If not, I wasn't going to complain at all.  I just wanted to hear from Him, to know what He wanted to say to me.  I would also write thanks and praise, and I know that very frequently I would tell Him that I just wanted Him to teach me to love Him more.  That I knew that my ability to love Him was something that only He could provide my incapable human heart.  This time does not often include prayer requests, though I write them from time to time or talk to Him about particular ones that are heavy on my heart.  I feel that prayers of asking are something that I like to keep more separate.  I want this time to be about developing a relationship and dialogue, not asking Him for things.  If something is heavy on my heart, it would most likely be shared anyway.  My tears and fears will be spoken.

I write those things down so they are not pressing on my mind in worry that I will forget something.  I lay it all out from the start and then just sit and listen.  I wait to see what He will say to me.  Quite often, His words start with things that are not listed.  It could be things from a day or two ago that haven't been answered yet, or it could be something that doesn't have anything to do with thoughts I had been thinking at all.  I'll give you an example.

5/31/09
...The spider
You fear the spider when it's harmless and even helpful because you fear just a few of it's kind.  Most are busy about their work, doing just what they were created to do.


I seek control rather than living in faith and trust.  When most things (bee, spider, etc.) will not come near harming me.  I seek to kill all of them because they give me feelings of lack of control...and fear of pain.


Give up more control...

This was just a short part of an entry.  I was sitting and a spider caught my eye.  God said "The spider".  That's all He said at first and then when I wrote the words "the spider" down, the rest just came flowing out.  Thus began a great work that God has been doing in my heart by way of fear (which has been a HUGE setback in my life) and control.  There is still a LOT of work to be done here, but even if other people don't see it, I know that much has changed in this area for me over the last year.  Control and fear were things that I knew were issues for me, but I chose to look away from them.

After I write down any words I've heard and have time just being quiet before the Lord, often just experiencing Him and His presence, then I spend time reading God's word.  Most often, things that were spoken that I didn't already know were an issue that wasn't in line with God would be confirmed in scripture that day (because things like fear and control didn't need confirmation each time, I know those aren't of God because of daily reading...they're easily recognized as something God wouldn't want to be part of my life).  Often this will be words that are part of the reading, or concepts.  There are specifics that stand out to confirm what God just said.  Sometimes it comes in a few days time.  Especially in the early times, it was counted as my head unless God gave confirmation.  I tried to look for an example to show you, but none of the ones I found were things I could share here because I just feel they are too personal for the great web.  I do want to stress that I feel that confirmation is very important, especially while in the early stages of learning to discern His voice.

The more I have that time of listening and getting confirmation, first through scripture and then later through the fulfilling of things He said, confidence grows.  I am always aware that I can be wrong, or that I may not have understood clearly what God meant with what He said (hence the specific words in the journal).  While that can discourage me for a little while, I also know that it's just part of the process.  I'm not perfect and I never will be.  Being wrong sometimes keeps humility in the picture and holds back pride, so I even find it good for me.  What brings humility never feels good, but the effect of humility is always great.  God draws close to the humble.  Wrong = uncomfortable dose of humility = God draws closer and I can know Him better.  It's worth the cost.

I may share more with you at another time, but I feel this is enough for right now.


Please know that I have just shared quite a bit of detail about something that is very deep and private for me.  These are details that haven't been shared with very many people and it's letting you see inside a very personal part of my life.  I am open to any voices of differing opinion and/or guidance, I just ask that you state any things of that nature in a kind way.  Realize that this is my relationship with my Lord and any criticism is not of my theology or religion, but of my interactions with Him personally.  It's very different than making a sharp comment about a person's stance on something like the trinity, or their choice of denomination.  Please keep that in mind with the tone of any comments.

I also hope to continue hearing from more of you about your personal experiences here.

Proof

When you are always the one behind the lens, people tend to question your existence. So, here is your proof that #4 and I do, in fact, reside on the face of this planet.

(I'm not a huge fan of belly shots, but I took a couple anyway...just for you.)

And this Mommy proves that she is not just an imaginary person that some weirdo made up.

May I also mention two things? Well, I guess that's true. Of course I can! It's my blog.

First, it is tiresome to hold a camera up over your head or out to the side. To hold the camera out far enough to fit baby #4 into the frame was not an easy task. Second, the piles of clothing...that would be the bins of outgrown clothes that are waiting to be sorted through and put back in the garage. I've been lazy, what can I say =).

Today's Thoughts...Which Apparently Requires Lots of Italics

Sitting in church today, my mind was full. Full of realization. Full of comprehension.

It’s God’s way to use the simple, to speak through who and what we do not expect. That’s not to say that I don’t expect to learn from the pastor, but I also recognize that this man is no extravagantly gifted speaker. He always speaks of simple things, but this allows God to work and get the glory. When I walk away after hearing Pastor “T” speak, my mind is not on Pastor “T”. If God has spoken, it’s clearly God. When I say that, I mean this, the message is designed and planned out to say one thing, but ends up teaching me something entirely different than the intent…something that works into my life with perfection because of key words that bring my mind to understand the ways of God a little better. Do you understand what I mean? I hope so.

The message is usually a story or principle that I have heard many times, spoken in a way that a child could understand as clearly as an adult. My mind is never thinking about how smart Pastor “T” is, or what an amazing sermon he prepared this week. Nope. He doesn’t leave me focused on him. A man of humble means never does. I think that is why God uses those that we wouldn’t see as strongly suited to something. Because of that, it’s clear to see where God’s Spirit has worked and to recognize Him as God, not the effect of a man’s gifts.

The first thing that my mind stayed fixed on was this- God sees men as who they will someday be, not who they are today. I suppose that is one of the benefits of being outside of time. He knows who I will be at the end of this life and during the between, and He blesses me with the grace necessary while I become. I become. This entire life, I become…though I am not. Though I am weak, though I am prideful, though I am uncontrolled in my temper, though I am afraid- God sees me as one that I have no clear vision of. Who I will be when He calls me home to Him is not for me to know. The process of getting there without knowing where there is remains a large part of what shapes and refines.

I have long thought that the way the Spirit of God works is to fill in the places where I need filling. What I am capable of doing, I do. When I reach the part where I need Him, He steps in. Now, I wonder if this is so true. Today I thought, my best days would be if I remembered to pray, with the desire to beg though I know it not necessary, that any part of me should be prevented from entering this day. I mess things up. I can’t handle it all, and I know that when I can, He is in control.

There was also a misprint in my understanding of how I recognized the Holy Spirit was at work. When I felt good feelings and the goose bumps that can accompany His presence- that was Him. That was knowing that He was there. (I knew that He was always there, but I guess I imagined Him sometimes dormant or something.) But these days I recognize a more subtle presence as well. I know that He has taken over because life is not chaos and I am making it. I am not loosing it and I can keep myself under control. And the funny thing is, it’s not that I have asked or prayed that today He would prevent me from the wreckage that is my choices, that is my lack of good judgment, that is my imperfection. No…it just seems that He does it. Mostly, I feel like me. I just feel like a different me. If I were not aware that it was the presence and work of the Holy Spirit, which honestly could be easily done because of the subtlety, I would just think I was having a good day. I was doing well and enjoying life.

But there are days when He lets me see that He doesn’t have to be there. He alone makes the choice of how much He will do for me each day. Some days it seems He wants me to try a little harder, but it doesn’t get too far out of comfortable, just enough to grow a little. Then there are days that I am surer than sure are just to remind me that I am a wretched soul were it not for Him. To remind me that were He not there I would not be who I sometimes think I am…who others might think I am. A little reminder that – hey, I’m here and I’m doing what I promised I would do when you gave your life to me. Those are days that make me feel shameful about who I really am. Those are the days I see myself as who I would be were it not for the transforming power of Christ. Those are the days that I don’t see myself as He sees me at all. And I do know that it’s not God’s desire for me to see myself as such, but I can also be such a prideful being and reality is a hard hit.

The second thing, a simple statement about God adopting us as His children. I thought on that. On the way we are adopted and the way that God also sees us as who we will be, not as who we are. I also read this week something about the difficult times in the start with children who have attachment issues. Our adoption, thankfully, did not bring us up against this. But many parents must deal with some very terrible things before their child is ready to show who they really are. Some children have to overcome some very painful things first. The author of this post stated that at this difficult point, the child is not your child, they are just a ball of behaviors, and you can’t love a bundle of behaviors.

When God adopts us, we are just a bundle of worldly behaviors. Thankfully, He created us and He knows who we are before we do. He is able, unlike a human adoptive parent, to actually love us from the start and doesn’t have to just go through the motions until real love develops.

As I watch Ana develop so quickly and grow and mature at a rapid rate now that she is home with us, loved and given the opportunity to do so, it helps me to relate to God and His love for me. The way He feels about me. There is something special that you can try to imagine, but it’s so different from the parent side of things, when a child that was written off by the world and thought to be incapable of amounting to anything comes home to love, and the expectation that she can. And then she does. “You believe I can do this mom? You really think that I can count for something?” She says inside herself, surprised that something is expected, even though she knew she was able to do more than they ever asked. “You are right mom.” She smiles in her heart with pride in herself, “I can be worth something. I am worth something.” And I think to myself, “Honey, you won’t just be part of this world, you will change it. You will change it because you are loved by God and you’ll know it.”

How many children are left? Really, that’s what I thought about. How often are children left unloved because it’s not the right time? It’s not the best time for me to adopt, but I would love to when my kids are a little older. I think someday I might adopt a child when my finances are in better order. I’ve thought about adoption in the future, but…(you fill in the blank). How many kids are left without love, IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, because it’s not the right time?

Then I thought, yes, not everyone is supposed to adopt. But it’s like that with so many things that God would have us do. We aren’t willing to step out in faith because we are still looking at life through the eyes of preparation and the world’s view of responsibility. And here I am sounding like I’m preaching at you. That’s really what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to share my heart and my thoughts about me…

See, we have some things we are working on. Decisions to make. Some are trivial, some pretty important, and I had to look at myself with honesty today and ask why I was thinking the way I was. Why did my preferences lie where they did? And I realized that the reasons that I wanted to lean in the direction I wanted to lean were not the reasons that mattered. The reality of the matter is that I still think in terms of “when I’m ready” instead of “when I am asked”. The point is that God asks when I am NOT ready. If I did things when it made sense, then I would be doing things in my own time. I would be doing things in my own power if I did them when it was a good time. And does that make any sense at all? Because the God I know likes to make His power known. He is all about loving people and changing lives, but that’s not all He is about. He is about making His power known in the process and bringing GLORY to HIS NAME in the process. If I want to wait until I’m ready…I am missing the point.

When it’s the right time requires little faith. When it’s the “right time” might never come. When it’s the “right time”, it won’t really require the power of the Holy Spirit to do it, will it? The “right time” is wanting to do something for the wrong reason. I think then it might be that I am thinking about my glory instead of God’s…if I’m being totally honest here. Pride is a very dangerous and deadly thing.

And these were my thoughts today.

A Lot Like Forgiveness

Learning. It's always going on, doesn't stop our whole lives. Though I do think that as adults we have more difficulty learning instead of just repeating the same lessons because we have to actually look for them.

There are experiences in my past that deal with forgiveness. I still have a hard time not harboring negative feelings when wronged, but I have learned some things about forgiveness. Forgiving deep hurt. It's definitely not in the easy category, that's for sure.

When someone has an offense against you that is on the high end of painful and it would be understood by all if you didn't forgive...if you just closed the door on the person who clearly trampled on your "rights" as a human being, it's very painful to extend forgiveness. Sometimes the person doesn't even want or think they need you to forgive them.

The thing is, there are stages and levels of forgiving and in the beginning it's a lot about going through the motions and not feeling it. That's something that people say all the time, but I guess things like that don't become cliche for no reason. When your decision to forgive a person who has hurt you starts, you may not feel like it. You may have to talk those feelings of resentment right out of your mind and you may have to try really hard not to be mean or cry every time you see them. But it does get easier and you do move on and grow as you continue making the choice to forgive. You do start to loose the feelings of hurt. You do start to see the person for who they really are again as opposed to seeing them through the goggles of offense.

I'm learning that love can be a lot like this too. Some people you fall in love with right away. You choose the spouse that you do because they make you feel a certain way. It doesn't usually start out as work and by the time you have to work through any major issues it's usually far enough in that you have built a foundation that you can work on top of. Most people wouldn't marry someone without having "sparks" at this point. I'm sure there are some, but marriage is about "love" and not "duty" these days. When you bring a baby home from the hospital, there are feelings that grow between you and that baby. You fall in love pretty quickly, and while you don't actually choose the child you will be birthing, God has given us a bond that comes from a spawning a little drooler that comes forth from your gene pool. There are even friends that we just click with from the start. Friendships that are easy to cultivate and just happen naturally. Usually with people that have lots of similarities to us that we can relate to well.

But what about the relationships that don't come quite that easy? It seems we are to love all of God's children as we love ourselves, not just the ones that come easy. The socially awkward people that you don't really know how to react or respond to. The neighbor who has the exact opposite opinion on politics or religion from you. The family member that everyone dreads seeing at family visits because they make everyone feel so awkward. These are all people we are called to love as ourselves. Right?

Well, I am not good at that. I am not good at cultivating love.

God gives us situations that force us to work out our issues and learn what we need to learn if we let Him. If we choose to learn the lessons He sets out before us. Ana is my "love child". (I know that means something different, but who cares.)

I don't love Gumby like I love Curly and Smiles yet. That's just the truth. When she is being naughty, it's easier for me to feel upset with her quicker. She teaches me patience. When she cries, it doesn't bring out maternal feelings as often. I just want her to stop. I am her mother anyway. When her diaper is filled with solids, it often makes me feel ill (she still has institutional smelling diapers). I change her diaper anyway, just like I would Smiles. I have no choice but to go through the motions most of the time. Sometimes I fail her. I am not the perfect mother to any of our children. I loose my temper and I mess things up. But everyday I am growing just like them.

While my heart and thoughts may differ still, the actions are made the same anyway. I act toward her as I would the others as much as I can. Messing up this time doesn't mean that I have to give up for next time. I can't give up. She is here to stay. She is my daughter today...no matter how long it takes for me to feel that way.

And you know what? While I grow in my patience and while I practice love in those times that I really don't want to, love grows. Just like when I walk through the motions of forgiveness and eventually start to feel like I've forgiven...when I walk through the motions of love when I don't feel it, real love starts to grow too.

I Want to Shout it Out!

It's sure is something how God can bring drastic change in short time. I gave Him all and He has already changed so much. And please don't take that to mean that I am saying I am awesome and have become perfect. To clarify, I have been making the effort to give in to Him right away when He tells me even the little things. I am only doing the things He is making me aware of, and that's all I can do.

Can I tell you something? I have had this stuck in my head since the moment I heard it. I was listening to a sermon by Francis Chan, the guy who wrote the book Crazy Love (which I am only two chapters into by the way). Anyway, I was listening to this sermon online and he said something that just clicked and stuck. He said something to the effect of- "Don't get all pompous and arrogant about doing good things that God asked you to do. You are never sacrificing with God because God gives back 10 fold and you can never out give God." Clarification again, not a prosperity message by ANY means.

You are never sacrificing with God. Wow. How true that is. When I listen to Him and what He asks of me, when I let Him lead I am the most happy and fulfilled that I have ever been. And I wonder, all those things He says in His word about joy and peace and all that stuff that was often here and there, are those meaning when I am following Him- letting Him guide my every move? I don't know, but it seems to me that all those things that I have read and heard in the old Hymns are making more sense than they ever have in my life. Everything has new meaning. How did I miss all of this!?

I have never lacked fear and worry so much in my life. I have always been one to worry and think things through to the tiniest details. I have always wanted to know the details. BUT now, I am okay with not knowing anything past this step that I am on because I know that He will guide me with each step as it comes and provide for those steps as I reach them. I feel CRAZY inside. I understand wanting to shout from the roof tops about Jesus. For the first time. Sure I would talk about Him because I was supposed to and because I wanted to honor Him, but this is different. Now that I get it I am so filled with excitement that I just wish that everyone understood what it's all about. I wish everyone understood what giving Him control is like!

And ask my husband, when I talk about it, there is passion. I get a little worked up.

Is this going to go away? I know that the newness will wear off, but I pray that my heart will always be filled with this passion for Him. My deepest prayer is that He would keep it there, please don't let me fall back into who I was before Lord.

I am just bursting at the seams with HIM! It's a wild ride folks and I pray that you will open your heart and listen to even the little things that He speaks to you so that He can be working in you in this same way. (That is those of you that aren't already there. I know I am not alone.)

So, I was out pulling weeds in the yard. Something I do about once a year 'cause I like to give my neighbors all reason to dislike us. I was doing that with my Zune playing with some "church music". It was different this time. I despise pulling weeds, but this was different. I was spending time in worship inside of God's creation. It was beautiful. I was out there until dark...and I actually enjoyed it. I never enjoy it. But this is one thing that God changed for me. He has given me that joy that is there in all that I do. Right now my mind is ever filled with Him too. And let me tell you, that is NOT by my doing. That has got to be by the Spirit of God because I have tried to change these things on my own before. Nothing.

I know. All over the place. That's just where I am right now...all over the place! =)

Those Pesky Emotions

We talked about my conviction with entertainment the last two days, now what about the others?

Emotions.

What do I mean there? God was talking to me about how I allow my emotions to rule my day and my attitude. I was thinking on the fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does my life show that the Spirit of God reigns in me? I have to be honest and say not much these days.

Do I think that I should work at improving these? No I do not.

"What?!?" you may be asking.

Well, let me explain that. You see, as I understand it, the fruit of the Spirit is a way of knowing if the Spirit of God is in control of you...if you are giving up and surrendering control of your life. These things are not things to strive for, rather they are signs that a life is surrendered. I do not think that any person is all of these things all of the time, but some people who live a surrendered life do exude many of these qualities on a regular basis due to the Spirit of God, not their own strength.

Thus, instead of striving for these things in vain, my job is to surrender more of me to the Holy Spirit...to God's will, not my own.

I know that's hard sometimes. That's why this tree is near barren right now. It goes so against all that I hear in many areas of my life, including other Christians. We need to make some time for ourselves. That's the message I hear all the time. But, can I tell you that I feel the closest to God and the most spiritually well when I die more to myself.

It's wonderful how that happens. I was having some trouble a few months back with being patient with my children. My heart was broken for my friend and I wanted so much to DO something where nothing could be done. My mind was not on my family as it should have been and I was distracted. I was overwhelmed with my two children.

At this moment, when I was struggling with "just two", God showed both Handsome and I more of His plan for us. Both at different times (and by golly, he was the one to bring it up!) that we should have a larger family. Let me just say, I was very sure that Smiles was the end of our childbearing experiences. I was just waiting to hit that one year mark with him so that we could send my fella in for a little snipy do. This "call" was certainly NOT what we were wanting to hear. (Perhaps it would be better to say that wasn't what I was wanting to hear.)

Now faced with a future of many children (don't ask me how many because that isn't something God has revealed, we just know that we are to be open and that He will be the one to tell us "when") I was dropping my jaw. What in the world are you asking of me? I am a failure as a mother most days (that wasn't true by the way, that was just how I was feeling). It was time to take a look at why I was having trouble controlling my feelings.

Do you know what I found when I looked at what was making me angry? What was making me frustrated and overwhelmed? What was causing me to be lazy?

It was when things weren't going my way. When my children weren't doing things the way I wanted them to. When my husband wasn't being what I thought he should be. When I wasn't performing the way I thought that I should. All selfish things. All about me.

So, I thought about it one afternoon as I fed Smiles and rocked him before nap. If this is going to be a time that I look back on and think to myself, "That was easy. What was my problem." Then perhaps I should make some changes so that I can enjoy this time with my kids. I should be enjoying life at every moment. I decided to die to self. It was actually quite easy. Once I made that choice in my head and said, "Lord, change my heart and give me the strength to die to myself, my desires, and my expectations." it just shifted things. I had a couple of weeks where things were just different in my mind. I had a different outlook.

Now, don't think I never get frustrated with my children anymore, because I do. The difference is that most days things are good. The days where I am at my wits end are very few and I don't reach that overwhelmed state very often at all.

The next step is to die to myself in more areas. What I want is the ruler far too often.

Wow, I guess this is going to be a week of pondering. I will stop here for today so that you can soak in that much if you like. Is this week too deep for you? I can hold off my scheduled posts for awhile if you just want some light stuff for a bit...

Conviction Continued...

So, I talked about entertainment somewhat. I told you about massive amounts of conviction about my blogging time, both writing and reading. It's definitely an obsession, as any blogger would tell you. So, what changes need to be made to make this time beneficial?

Okay, so I know that blogging isn't bad. It is perfectly permissible. But is it beneficial? You see, I know that many things are okay, but I want God's best for me, not just what is okay. I want all that fills my life to be a benefit to my eternity, not just something that is fun for today.

Am I telling you that I am going to quit blogging? No. I think that the Lord has blessed me through this avenue and actually I also think that He brought me to it (through a series of events that led to this blog) for my own benefit and growth. It's been something that is taking me toward a goal that He placed before me. The real issue is that I need to figure out how to balance it. How do I spend my time wisely?

Yesterday, well Monday (I've been scheduling here) I wrote that post from yesterday (I read those convicting posts that evening) and that morning had already been feeling the effects of this conviction. I decided not to turn the computer on until later in the day. This was so that my time was focused on the things that I needed to be doing. I had a very productive morning. Usually the first thing I do in the morning after feeding Smiles and getting diapers changed is to look at the e-mail and pull up the blogs. We don't want to get behind. This day was different.

I can say that something is my top priority all I want, but my actions will show the truth. If my family comes first, then they should be fully taken care of FIRST. So, for now one of the changes I am going to make is to leave the computer off until nap time. If it makes things better, I may just make it until bedtime because I know myself. I am weak. I have to protect me from myself.

So- no blogs, no Facebook, no IM (sorry Vicky, I know you will understand though), no e-mail until the other things are done. This will probably mean bedtime because I will most likely not get to spend time with God until naptime. That's just how my life goes, I'm not an early riser. I can blog after that.

This is hard for more than one reason. You see, I hate talking on the phone. I mean DESPISE it. There are three people that I will talk to on the phone for long periods of time and those three people are it. Anyone else I do not enjoy a phone conversation with.

Handsome is my first one. I could drink that man in all day long and still be thirsty for more. We are that icky kind of pair that want to spend all their time together. That's just what we like.

"Burger", that's my Mommy who you met last Friday, she is another. Who doesn't like to talk to their mother on the phone? I talk to her nearly everyday. She would like to slip off before I let her I think, but she is stuck with me. Your daughter is your daughter for all your life, your son is your son 'til he takes a wife. It's true.

Brie is the third. I don't know why, perhaps it's because I don't get to see her as much or something, but she is the other whose phone time I do not rush off from. She is just special I guess.

I'm a freak, I know! It's so weird. I am game for conversations in person and I love face to face time. I like e-mail and do it all the time. There is just something about that dad-gum phone. Vicky and I spend hours talking in person or on IM, but I hardly ever call her. Seriously, we IM about everything. We even IM to tell eachother when we are leaving to meet somewhere (or usually she is coming here because she is cool like that).

Back to the point. Sorry, you know me well enough now to realize that I like to get off topic easily. So, my life is going to see some trial of new ways, but what will it look like from this end? I would venture to say that I will probably skip out on weekend posts. It's easy to write a few when they come to my mind, so I just plan on writing them and then scheduling. If something isn't up for the day, that's okay.

Tomorrow I will continue on the rest of the topics that I discussed.

Alright Lord, I Hear You Loud and Clear

Funny guy, that God. He has no qualms with telling me how it is when I ask. I just have to get the gall to ask and then face myself and swallow that pride.

Have I ever mentioned to you that I have an abnormally large pride? You could more than gag on that sucker. It's sure got some kick on the way down too!

So, if you haven't noticed over the past weeks, my posts have been a bit less frequent than usual. Sure they keep coming most of the time, but I enjoy posting most days if I can. It's fun. It's me. It's an escape.

Tonight I was having some time with my Lord. I was going to read a book that is of the spiritual variety, but instead I grabbed up the Bible and started perusing instead. Then, near the start of my reading I decided for some reason to write out a question...sort of like a purpose or goal for this time. My heart has been focused on finding what things are keeping me from deeper relationship with Him. My question:

"Jesus, what would you have me change?"

This question defies legalism and therefore I will not get myself into trouble. When the things that I am pondering are given by Him, they are surely what I should be doing no matter what any man would say.

His answer, "Turn from sin and your wicked ways."

Well, then I of course ask the next question, "What are my wicked ways Lord?" Because I will tell you without lack of humility that mine, as probably many of yours, are not as obvious. I am not out murdering or participating in clearly forbidden acts.

So then as I pondered a list formed for me.

Entertainment
Emotions
Words that come out of my mouth
Empathy/love is lacking
Reverence for/toward God

Ouch. That's a long list. A list that I DID know about, but didn't really want to face. A list that I needed none the less. So, lets break it down for you...

Entertainment, this one is the way I spend my time. I started to write "free time" but then realized that I let some things creep in and snatch up time that would be spent on other things. Can I ask you something? Do you spend as much time with God as you would like to be able to claim? Didn't think so (I'm going to ignore the few of you that are perfect). And on to the next question. What is the number one excuse you give for not doing it? If you are like me, it is somewhere along the lines of "I just don't have enough time/energy" or something like that. Am I right? Please excuse me from major embarrassment if you do not agree, but I will be vulnerable enough to continue in honesty with you.

Often that is my excuse. That or, quite frankly, lack of interest. It is easier to read a book on the topic of spirituality than to spend time with God at times. I would say for me that is because it is easy to put part of me into a topical book. I don't have to concentrate fully if I don't want to. My mind can wander and I can still get most of the point. But God requires more. He requires ALL of me. He commands my FULL attention.

Have you ever noticed that when you are reading His word it's easy to get lost and have to read a passage over and over again? Perhaps not, but I sure do find it to be true for me. Being with someone of such Majesty and overwhelming Perfection requires much. I feel such a failure. I mean, think about it.

I am given the gift that so many would have loved to have. I (and you) am able to spend time with GOD. Do you realize the significance of that? Do I? I am so spoiled by His willingness to listen to me and talk with me that I don't appreciate it at all. I am a teenager that is oblivious to the wisdom at my fingertips. I am far from grasping the magnitude of what my Father has done for me and how much He loves me. And look back in these words at all the times I typed "I".

So, I am not busy. I am filling my time with things that don't matter. I am going somewhere other than God to fill my needs of relaxation and self. I am filling my life with Facebook, blogging, and e-mail. Okay, so blogging is first on that list. But what does that mean?

I think that it means conviction is not a four letter word, but it sure feels like one.

Tonight, after I spent some time with Him, I got online to check in really quick. It's hard to keep up with a lot of the people I like to read about sometimes. What did I get? Blam! Blasted from above. Lightning if you will =) sorry if that is offensive to anyone...not my intention.

Not only have I been getting conviction about my online time from multiple sources in daily reading, but then add Laurel's post today, which refers me to this post, and this post.

Okay Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Now what?

I know where this is going in some ways, but I will spare you for today. That was a long enough post.

To be continued...tomorrow...

(Which is also Curly's birthday. Hmmm...)

Good Bye to Blogging

My husband had me a bit irritated yesterday. It's silly actually, but I have been overly into keeping up with the blog and I love to write about our lives and my mind so that I can share with anyone that will have it. That's just how things go I guess.

Well, he sees how much I enjoy this little hobby and has started his own blog. Yeay for you honey! I hope you have as much fun as I have. It's great relaxation in my opinion. What a way to wind down after a day of busy crazy stuff. Have fun.

La ti da...I go about my days and subscribe to his blog. I read his first, and only so far, post. Life is grand.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT HANDSOME!!!

What in the world does he think his is doing using MY Firefox to go to HIS blog?! Um, yeah...I think NOT!

I guess you could say I threw a bit of a tizzy (it was an all out temper tantrum that rivaled Curly's rare whoppers). You see, I don't EVER sign in. Nope. I just keep myself logged in and when I close the window it's fine. I just click on the little Firefox logo and click on "My Account" (he has it set so that Google is our start up page) and then click "Blogger". It's awesomely cool because I do not have time to remember or look up my password every time I want to blog or look at yours.


Dang you dude! Use internet explorer for gosh sakes.

He says to me that I could use internet explorer in his ever calm and patient voice.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN! says his raging wife. I need all that fancy red underlining that comes with my misspelled words when I use Firefox. It helps me out...most of the time. (Ignore if you read my Honor God with Your Body post before handsome got home that night. I wrote it late at night and he told me the next day that he had to make some major adjustments to that one...ooops)

So last night, I went to log in and then was SO lazy that after typing the first couple of letters in...

I just closed the window and told him I wasn't going to ever blog again.


Stop it guys. I don't laugh at you when you are being immature. At least not to your face =).

Yes huh! Look right up there above- ...........................Do you see it ....................that's right. My face is right there. So there! Don't laugh at me. Don't raise your eyebrows and tell me that I am a big baby. That's not what friends are supposed to do. You are supposed to gently guide me to be a bit more mature. You are supposed to nudge me in the direction of rectifying things with my husband who is, quite honestly, laughing right with you.


Thanks. That's better. Though I felt it just a bit condescending. You really should mind your own business sometimes.

Yeah. I forgive you.












What? Oh yeah.... I will tell him I am sorry just as soon as he gets home. In fact, I will also tell him publicly.

"Handsome, I am sorry for being such a big baby. Will you forgive me?"

(And in case you wondered, I did have chocolate yesterday. Ooops.)

Ode to My Lost Love

This week has brought bitter sorrow to my life as I have lost a beloved friend. We have been through many years, many trying times together. My sorrow often eased by the knowledge of your presence.

So many memories I have with you. You were such a part of my life that you were almost a part of me. We were one at times. Memories of you with Mom and I, we shed some laughter and tears many a time. Memories of childhood with you, Meatloaf and I sitting around together in her room laughing until we cried and talking about boys. I love how we could sit in silence for hours upon end, how just knowing you were there was such a comfort.

Daily I knew you were there for me, any time I needed you. It seemed as if you were always available, should I need you- you were just waiting. Oh how I will miss you.

How could you do such a thing to me!? How could you betray me like that!?

I will never be the same.

How will I face the coming days without you? Knowing that you caused me such sorrow and loss...

I thought you loved me in return, that you were my shoulder to cry on. Always near when I was full of joy or pain. A daily part of my life. Really you were lurking in the shadows, plotting against me and scheming. You wanted to bring me to anger and you took joy in my failure. You totally set me up! How DARE you!!!

My ability to forgive will be tested with you. I do not know if I will ever be able to forget you. I will feel empty with you gone from my life.


(I just figured out that Chocolate has been causing some major mood swings. It's gonna be the hardest thing to give up. I am having a hard time, but you know, you have to choose your friends wisely. Sometimes it's painful to turn them away, but when they are toxic to your life...well, you have to let go. Remember me in those moments when you partake of that special friendship. Remember me.)

Honor God With Your Body

Honor God with your body.

Read it one more time up there...

That is something that was said two weeks ago in church. Sure, it was referring to sexual immorality, but it's been on my mind in a different way this week. I was thinking- I don't take care to eat as healthy as I know that I should. Some people think they are eating healthy and really are not because they are not aware of what healthy eating actually is. Unfortunately for me (okay, it's actually probably fortunate...just not my favorite) I have learned what it means to eat well. A couple years back I was on a healthy eating kick and learned a little bit about what to eat in order to get the nutrients you need and all that good stuff. I am not extremely knowledgeable, I just know enough to know enough that I am not doing things the way I should.

Then comes Mom. Stink on you Mom! She just has to show me this book she is reading, which I find out later is marketed as a diet type book, but really it's a nutritionist that is sharing how to change your lifestyle diet in a healthy way. I just thought it was about nutritious eating in the first place, so it was no surprise to me that she is wanting you to make some changes for life. Not just to lose pounds. I am not the type to "diet" anyway. Ever. I think it's silly and unhealthy and also not being happy with who you are. We won't get me started on diets. Nutrition though, nutrition is different.

Yes, I have known that my body is screaming for help. There are lots of issues that are showing me I need some help. I just didn't exactly know what it was saying. So, now the issue of whether or not to choose to make that change. Goodness knows I like my sugar. I like my chocolate, bread, and dairy products. Then come flowing back the words of two weeks ago Sunday, honor God with your body. Then remember the other words that he is working on for me, "All that I am and all that I have belongs to God." Okay. I know. I need to be healthy.

I then thought about when I turn to God with health issues. Heal this please Lord. I thought about my children and how I have to teach them by allowing the natural consequences to happen sometimes. Sometimes if Curly is making a bad decision and not listening to my counsel, I will have to give her consequences, or allow the natural ones to take place. She has to learn. It's true that our kids like to tune our voices out. It's just in the breeding. I am the same way with the Lord at times. I believe that He has to allow me to have my natural consequences from time to time as well. He can heal my issues even if I eat c-r-a-p all the time, but would it be good parenting? Perhaps not.

I have to learn to take care of my body. There are all kinds of examples of how diet effects the body. We pump so much junk into the foods we eat, even the ones that people don't think are bad for them, that we are trashing our bodies. I know this and the funny thing is that I am passionate about it in word and thought, but when it comes to taking action...

I AM AWFUL.

I won't lie to you and tell you that I am saying this so you can keep me accountable. Um, you are easily lied to since you are on the other end of a screen. I am accountable to you in no way. I am just sharing what is going on in my life 'cause that is what blogging is about. Just wanting to be honest with ya. I might fail at changes that I want to make. I'm not claiming that it's gonna go well at all. Just sharing what I'm living.

Take that.

...what that is I couldn't tell you though...

Pulling the Plug

This summer I started considering pulling the plug on our television. There are so many reasons that it's something to think about. I decided about a month ago that I was really wanting to make that switch and talked to my husband about it. He agreed to give it a try. What are my reasons for this change?

#1 - It takes time away from things that are more important. This was my first reason for leaning toward getting rid of TV actually. I thought about it, and if we have the TV, we are more likely to use it instead of spending time as a family along with other things. I have been working on not watching any television in my own time and it has been working well for me. In the evening I spend my time reading, being with my husband, or on the computer. I intend on having some time for crafting, but haven't reached that yet. I realize that the computer can have just as negative an impact with the reasons that I will mention, but I am trying to be intentional about my use of this technology.

#2 - I do not like the images it invites into my home. I cannot fully screen what my children, and family for that matter, watch and they often get glimpses of things I would rather they didn't. I am a firm believer that the things that you allow into your mind are there forever. Once an image is there it stays there, even if it is hidden deeply.

22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" Matthew 26:22-23

This has always been a verse that sticks in my mind. I want to keep myself and my family full of light (good things).

#3 - I do not like who it invites into my home. There are many scantily dressed, perverse, sailor mouthed people that live on cable TV. I do not want my children to hear those things, see those people, or get those ideas earlier than they have to. I am amazed at what is allowed to come through on the basic channels now! If it isn't something I want my two year old to say or do, I should not have her watch it. She isn't old enough to determine which things are okay and which are not. She copies everything she sees. I also believe that the things we are bombarded with desensitize us and make us more tolerant of inappropriate things.

#4 - I don't want the television to babysit my kids. Now, sometimes it is helpful to pop in Leap Frog's Letter Factory while I take a shower. I know that I need to be clean and the distraction that the screen gives keeps mayhem from bursting out while I make myself squeaky. I also know that I do not have the will power to keep myself from using the option if it is there. If it is available, I will use it in my moments of weakness. You want to get up early after keeping Mom awake all night? All I want to do is sleep- sure kid, watch a little television for an hour.

While I am not ready to give up my good friend DVD and VHS (yes, I do have a couple of those around that she watches), those can be pre-screened. In the future we may have a more remotely located television, but we have no other location in our current house. I think that out of site may be a little helpful too.

I am sure that I sound like an extremist fruit loop to most of you, and that's okay. I haven't been missing the box since I stopped watching it, and I don't think I will. Once I get used to not having the option with the kids I think that will get easier too. And for those of you that are worried for my husband- he isn't one to watch sports at all and he doesn't watch all that much television anyway. He is more of a computer guy, I have always loved that about him.

Lesson on Forgiveness

If only I could forgive like a child. What an example they are in so many ways, and yet we become so frustrated with the things that they don't do the way we want them to. My little Smiles is such a forgiver, I am sure just because he is not tainted by experience yet. It's amazing to me how I can lose my temper and be upset with him, yet minutes later he is over it. I get huge smiles. His feelings do not stay hurt, he doesn't harbor a grudge against me. He just loves me, exactly as I am with all the faults.

He hasn't seen many episodes of my temper. The past couple of days I have had "crap raining down on me"...the wording is for you Mom... from a bunch of different directions and it's beyond my ability to deal with all of it. Now he has unfortunately experienced a bit of yelling and crying from Mom. I suppose I could use some prayer in that matter if any feel so inclined.

My children teach me so many lessons. Who would I be without them?

Savor the Moment

Picture this- you give a two year old a plain M&M, the small ones...we aren't talking some freak M&M's that they have for a special time or something, the ones you would buy in the check out line at the grocery store. What do you imagine would happen to that M&M? Yes, I did say ONE, not a handful or a couple, just one. If you are a normal human being with normal, human children (I am still not sure if mine is), it wouldn't take much imagination at all to picture the M&M quickly being devoured in the mouth on a journey to the stomach with no guarantee that there was chewing involved at all. I'll be honest here for you, I would probably do very similar. They are tiny little things you know.
















Not at our house. I bet you didn't even think it was possible, but my child takes the tiny piece of chocolate and eats it in three to four bites. No joking kids, three to four bites! It's so funny to watch because, though her fingers are small, they get in the way when eating such a tiny piece of candy in so many bites. It's like watching a mouse eat something, yet even more neurotic. I have to say, I don't understand. I do love that she makes me laugh so much though.

It got me thinking. She is just savoring every little bit of that M&M (you would think she had lived through the depression or something), stretching it as far as it will go. I am a three year old boy in spirit. I devour my way through life always looking ahead, and when I get there I don't savor it because I am looking far ahead at the next thing. Perhaps I would do better to take my martian daughter's example to heart and start to savor the moments that I am in. Enjoy the night time feedings with Smiles, reading with my daughter, and cleaning up after them both. Perhaps I should worry less about the laundry and the dishes and instead spend time enjoying the moments that I have with them.

For tomorrow I will be 95 looking back and wondering what life tasted like.

Thoughts on Prayer

For a long time now it has bothered me when people would act as though someone is a "better prayer" than someone else. Does God not hear us all alike and treat each person's prayer with the same attention? I have heard things like, "Those people really know how to pray." or, "I have asked the people that are the best prayers I know." That's always just rubbed me the wrong way. I thought, perhaps some are given a gift for prayer, I guess that could be what they mean. I don't know what other people's thoughts are. I did find something that made me think today, however.

For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God had dealt to each one a measure of faith. Hebrews 12:2

So, this struck something in me. Often I think we tend to take credit for the faith that we have in our prayer. Our level of faith is something that we forget to give God credit for. I have been thinking for a while about the fact that some faith is given by God. It's those feelings of peace and strong confidence that something is true when you have no reason to believe it so by proof or circumstances. You just know because of a measure of faith that you have been given.

I think that most of us would agree that there is a strong correlation between faith and prayer. I am no Bible scholar and I actually would say that there is much that I am very clueless on. I do remember a few times when Jesus was frustrated with our lack of faith (or that of the people around him I suppose). They were limited in completing things that he had given them authority to do because of their lack of faith. An example is when they could not heal the demon possessed boy. Jesus healed him and then was asked by his apostles why the could not do it.

Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

It just made me think, are some people's prayers more effective because they have stronger faith? And do they have stronger faith because God gave them a gift for stronger faith? And if this is so, should we not be giving more credit to God for his graceful gift of faith? Why does the credit so often go to the wrong place? I am guilty of thinking my faith was all me, that the amount of faith I had was something that I gained from experience. When I actually thought about it today as I read that first passage and had it hit me, I realized that the times I have prayed with greatest strength have been when the Lord gave me that special gift. When I had a peace and a knowledge outside of myself.

One thing I want to point out- just because God gives us a gift doesn't mean we take advantage of it. We can talk ourselves out of our gift of faith just like not using any other gift we have been given. In this country especially, I think that we tend to rationalize away the power of God and both his desire to help and also his ability. I know that the miraculous can happen today and that I don't want to be at fault for limiting a situation by not taking advantage of the faith I have been gifted. I must protect myself from rationalizing and questioning. Doubt tries to overcrowd my faith, but I will rest in the knowledge that my faith is a blessing from God.

These are of course just my thoughts. I could be totally wrong on my interpretation. Any thoughts?

Short Update on Brie...

I just wanted to give a short update with the little information I have. Brie is in Tacoma with her twins, the hospital there has an NICU and our local hospital does not. She will be there until the babies are born. We are hoping that the stay is a long one so that the babies have a better chance, but trust that God can provide no matter the date of arrival. Please continue to hold them in your prayers.

My Heart is Breaking Tonight

I have a special woman that came into my life seven years ago. She has become a very special person to me and has taught me a lot of things. We were roommates for a year, and our friendship grew strong during that time. To say that we didn't drive each other nuts would be a lie, we did. We are very different in some ways, we were a lot more different back then. Sharing a roof with my beautiful Brie taught me a great many things about myself and how self righteous and judgmental I was with my "perfect Christian" image to keep. We had a lot of late night talks about many things, some including faith. I don't think that she knows this, but even though it may have appeared from the outside that I was doing the "teaching" when it came to faith, she has given me a great many lessons on being more Christ like.

Through the years, though we have had quite a few long spurts without talking, God has laid a burden on my heart to pray for her family. Often there would be nights that I would wake just thinking of her and Mike and feel a need to pray. Sometimes in a specific way and sometimes not. I would listen to that urge and pray. I do not know the outcome of most of those prayers, for quite a few times it was during times that we weren't in frequent contact. I know that my Lord was alongside them though and that He loves them very much. It's amazing the connection you feel toward someone when you pray with your entire being for them. Having a God-given burden to pray is far different than praying for a request that you hear from a friend or in church. Yes, those prayers are good to pray too, they are just different. I cry with overwhelming feeling right now as I try to describe to you the depth with which these prayers have come. They have had the same level of emotion as those that I have prayed for my husband and children in times of dire need. My heart has such a strong connection there that I just don't know how to describe. When her heart falls, mine falls with it.

When I was pregnant with my little guy, Brie was a couple weeks ahead of me in a pregnancy as well. She lost that baby at the end of her first trimester. It was heart breaking for her, and I knew how she felt. I had lost a baby previous to Curly and it was a very hard thing to go through. A few months down the road she found out she was pregnant, this time with twins. At 18 weeks of pregnancy her water broke with one of the babies. I remember reading her terrible news and feeling my heart drop. Immediately tears swelled and I called upon my Lord on her behalf. I love my Brie, and I couldn't accept that she would possibly have to go through such a loss again. Not long into my prayer I was overcome with peace that everything would be okay, that these babies would live and be loved by their parents. From that moment on I didn't have many moments of fear for them, just sad moments over the feelings that my dear friend had to go through. Moments of fear, of not knowing what the future holds, of missing out on things that her four year old son was doing because of the strict bed rest she was on. It's been a hard road.

This week she reached the point in pregnancy where the doctors consider her babies viable. She started getting steroid shots to help the babies lungs develop faster. She has seemed to be in a less depressed state because she has passed the point where she has to fear anything happening and each day brings her babies chance of survival greater and greater. Her hope has returned.

Tonight she headed into the hospital. She started having a lot of bleeding and that is NOT a good thing. I don't know many details other than that at this point and I assume that she is still in the hospital, hopefully with babies still in her belly. I had a rough day today and was already a ball of tears, so this new information has thrown me over the top. Though my hope is still strong that they will get to hold their babies and love on them, my heart is heavy for her. My mind still has those moments when I wonder, "Did I hear you right Lord? Is my interpretation of your peace correct?". My heart is steadily perched away from my body, right beside her in each moment that happens. I feel such love for these unborn babies just through the connection of prayer. Though I am not there and I do not know the details, I know that she sits with the one who loves her far beyond any love we can understand. He knows her hurt. He hurts with her as well. He holds her in his gentle arms and is able to make good of the situation no matter the outcome.

My request is that you might remember her in your prayers tonight and in the days to come. Pray that the Lord gives her peace and strength. I have to say that she has been a shining example through all of her strife. Yes, she has moments of fear and depression. She is surviving and making it. She hasn't given up on her little ones and she won't do so tonight. Thank you for your prayers for this family.

Keeping Perspective

I think that there are political extremists watching me because I just wrote this post and then my foot unwillingly landed on the power bar that electrifies my computer! Dang it, have to start over. I want you to know ahead of time, this is not about politics even though it mentions it and you will not know which candidate I am even leaning toward from my blog. This is about something far more important.

I am glad that I live in a country where people are all fired up about finding out who they think will best run our country. And let me remind you that we are lucky to live in one where the president is only part of that group that does so. It is our responsibility to be involved and concerned about choosing our leaders because we were blessed by God with the right to do so.

With that clarified, I want to say that I am a Christian. My first goal in life is to serve God in whatever ways He chooses and prioritizes. My Lord makes it quite clear that what He expects of me first and foremost is to love His children UNCONDITIONALLY and to serve them above myself. This is a challenge, I will admit. I do love myself quite a lot, and I will have to grow further capable of this challenge all of my life with His help. This means during an election year, when my neighbor is a small man with a huge attitude, and when someone doesn't treat me with that same respect. By giving myself the title of Christian, or follower of Christ, I am taking on the responsibility of that name. My actions reflect on Him. Sometimes we forget our purpose and we get caught up in what we think should be going on. Remember to be careful in your actions and to act with love toward those with different political views. Let's not become hypocrites and allow the pursuit of our cause to become more important than the cause itself.

Don't forget that even if the elected people don't do things in an honorable way, even if they become totally immoral and our country becomes something of biblical unruliness and sin, God is still in charge and He still wants us to act with love. We can't understand His agenda all the time and if He really has a candidate that He particularly wants in office, He will do it without our votes. No election is more important than treating my fellow man with respect and dignity. We can disagree on anything and I should still act with love toward him. Let us watch our words and keep them tasteful. Let us not forget our true purpose in life and allow God to remain at the center of our thoughts. Nothing is greater than that.

Ironic

It was surely a long day even if I was basking in the snot and puke that I call love. Curly was up all night and Smiles gave me his usual awakening at 3ish in the morning to eat. We were all tired today. We were all somewhat cranky today. I'll be honest, I couldn't wait for it to be over. My girl clung to me all day and had one of those where she JUST wants mom. It was rough if you remember that Smiles has to eat, and I have to do it. Every time I had to feed him or hold him she would throw a monster fit. I was getting rather frustrated at one point...okay, so a couple times. Anyway, he was needing to be fed and so I was trying to get a movie ready for her to watch. I go to pick one out and it was the whole, "I want Barney." I go and put Barney in. "No, I want to watch Shrek Momma!" So I switch it to Shrek. "I no want watch Shrek Momma. I want Letter Factory! Hold me Momma. Hold me!" (She wanted me to hold her while she watched the movie which would ruin the whole point of my putting it in.) I was going nuts. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have put up with that for a minute, but she and Smiles were sick, he needed to eat, I was tired, and she was throwing some monster fits. Finally I lost it. I started yelling at her because I was loosing my patience. Can you guess what I yelled? Try really hard, I am sure you can guess after you look at the title of this post...

"You need to be PATIENT!" There were also some other things mostly explaining why she needed to be patient right now. How silly that I am yelling at her to be patient because Mommy is loosing her patience. One of those moments I guess, where you realize how silly kids must think we are and why they get confused so much.

On another note, I want you all to know that I hope you have a Vicky. I would have had a much rougher day by far if I hadn't had my Vicky today. What is a Vicky you ask? Well, a Vicky is not something that you can buy or order, you have to pray real hard for it. (Mine is pictured in the photo to the right with my kids.) You have to receive it from God himself. A Vicky is a blessing- that's for sure. Now, your Vicky may not do that exact same things that mine does, they are all different and unique. They come with different names. Mine is just what I need and yours would be what you need. A Vicky is a very versatile gift, and I have to say that I sure do love mine. Today my Vicky held my baby while I tried to get some sleep and also brought me coffee to help with last nights lack of it. I often leave my children with my Vicky and it costs nothing. So, thank you Lord for my Vicky and please bless all my friends with a Vicky of their own. Think tonight about all the things that yours has done for you, and please comment sharing those wonderful things. I would really love to know.

I Feel Like a Mommy Tonight

My favorite photo of the day. It just makes me laugh.

What a day.

We woke up and started getting ready for my Dad's wedding. I know it's crazy that I started that early since the wedding was at 1pm, but when you have two little ones the world is very unpredictable. Handsome had a late night of closing, both my kids were up ALL night long because they had runny noses. My sister was asleep on the couch in order to help me today with the kids, taking my normal night time feeding grounds and causing me to have to use the bedroom. Smiles is a loud eater in the middle of the night, so Handsome was kept awake during that time too. It was a rough night.

Mad rushing began to take place at about 11:45am. Taylor, previously mentioned sister who has the same mother but different father, needed to shave her legs. She ran the tub. Curly followed. I was busy with Smiles and Handsome was getting himself ready, so we weren't going to fight her on that. From the bathroom I hear, "Taylor, yous shavin yous beards off yours legs Taylor!" with an extremely high pitched shriek of glee that only mother's of daughters fully know. Oh my...that's my daughter. I smiled and laughed just a little. She sure can make you smile in moments of craziness. We continued to get ready and actually made it out the door in a timely fashion.

I will probably talk about the wedding another time, perhaps tomorrow. I have had a crazy day and would have too much to talk about tonight.

We then went to take Taylor home. Curly and Smiles' cousin Aubrey was supposed to be coming to Grandma and Papa's house, so we were going to stay for a bit so that she could see her. Curly loves Aubrey and always wants to see her. I am not so sure that Aubrey cares that much about Curly yet, but she is still young. I am sure one day they will have lots of fun together. We stayed for dinner because Aubrey was getting there around dinner time. They had a little play time and we were out the door on our way home for a late bedtime after a no nap day. I am prepared for a cranky girl tomorrow.

We drove home and Smiles, who slept most of the time at Grandma and Papa's house, decided that he wanted to scream in the car again. We did fine, he waited until we were pretty close to home and I didn't have to cry back at him this time. I got the kids inside and tried to get Curly ready for bed quickly. It took a few minutes longer than I had wanted it to, but it always does. Finally I was left with getting Smiles down to bed and then I would have a couple minutes to collect myself. He wouldn't go down without a fight. This was going to go until the bitter end, I could tell. So, I am walking the house with him trying to bounce his little self and pat his little booty when I hear Curly in the other room. She is cough/choking...oh no...that is the sound she makes right before she pukes. I know that sound well because she gets very car sick (at the worst times I might add) and she usually makes that sound right before she throws up big time. I set Smiles down in the middle of my bed and rush in to help her. I hear it start as I was rushing to her. Cry, cry, cry...pause...sound of ick happening...breath...cry, cry, cry...pause...sound of ick again...deeper breath with choking sound...cry, cry, cry. My poor girl. These are the moments that we dread as mothers. It's not the mess, but the fact that they are feeling so awful and you can't do anything to make it stop. Yes, it's part of life, but it's still hard on a mother.

We get her to the bathroom and undress her. I run the bath. I get her started and run to the bedroom to take the crying Smiles to his swing in hopes that he will calm down. I get back to her and clean her up then let her sit for a moment in the water while I rush her things to the washer. Hmmm...ummm...where are the sheets for her bed? No sheets! She wet through her diaper last night and the sheets didn't get clean yet because of my day. Lucky us, we have two kids now, so we just used one of Smiles' which I had to talk her into using. She is very particular as it is, but especially when she is sick.

I got her in bed and then had to try and get the swinging Smiles to bed as well. He has so much snot that I swear the kid could be in Guinness! He isn't very happy about being let go of right now, but he will have to deal. Once I finally got him into bed I realized that I had told someone at church that I would cover snacks for her tomorrow. I said I would make scones and was planning on doing it tonight. My daughter is sick and throwing up with a low fever. My son is sick. My husband is closing tonight and then has to open tomorrow morning and will basically just sleep here tonight. I am not sure what I want to do. Handsome can pick something up on the way home, but I will have to try and get the kids out the door in time to drop something off at church and my sickie might still be not doing so well. Oh goodness.

What a day.

All that I have to say is this, I know that I would normally be stressed beyond all reason tonight, but for some reason I am not. My mind is at peace with the fact that I am Mommy. I was running around the house in all directions, especially a few minutes ago, and I am sure that I will be up a lot tonight. I am all by myself with no help because Handsome is working. That leaves two of them and one of me, but I am soaking it in tonight. I am loving this moment of being Mommy and I will remember and treasure it because this, my friends, is a snapshot of love.