As I sit trying to think of what I can say to all of you, trying to decide if I want to just post some fun pictures of the kids, or to share something deep...knowing that if I decide to attempt to share what is filling my heart I won't be able to give you a clear picture...I am frozen.
There is something new, something different. My mind does not think the same as it did before, my heart is somewhere totally different. And to say to you that I am changed means nothing. It's not something to be shared, just something to be observed.
But at the same time, if I am to speak to you as who I am, and not just someone trying to give you the person that you knew would be injustice. It would not be honest, nor would it make me feel like I am right with God. He who changes wants me to be clear about those changes. Without Him my mind and heart would be right where they were two weeks ago, or two years ago...and farther back really.
It's just that everything seems so trivial. And I feel so spoiled and ungrateful. How can I live daily life not changed? How can we go about being so fruitless? Why are we acting as if we are filled with the Spirit of GOD, yet not being changed? How is it that I could think I understood the magnitude of God and who He is, know that His Spirit fills me, and not be changed? I don't get it. I was living it, but I don't get it.
How can I talk like I even have the smallest right to feel unjustly treated? How can we talk about things so trivial as entertainment and shopping when that is so far from what matters? How can we say that we don't have money to help the poor or we don't know where to give it, and then in the same breath be planning for vacations or eating meals that cost more than some children, even in our own country, have spent on a weeks worth of groceries? What is wrong with us!?
And then we justify our behavior to each other and act as though it is normal and right. We have the money, we have the time. We just choose to spend it elsewhere- on ourselves. And if you want to sit and justify yourself and keep on living for you and your family then I will not judge you for it. I would not praise you for it, but that's your decision. But I know that in my heart I cannot sit here any longer and ignore the fact that God's Spirit is inside this body feeling grieved by my actions. I cannot allow Him to be frustrated with me anymore, patiently waiting for me to change and put my words into action.
And I don't get it. I am not claiming that I am not guilty, on the contrary. But how can we be filled with such a Holy being and NOT be changed? How can I decide to turn from my old ways and follow Christ, letting Him tell me where to go and what to do, but then sit in my house and be so selfish? My life has been about me. That is a contradiction of what I claim. I claim that I am a follower of Christ, yet I haven't been following at all. Sure, I have let Him lead in a couple of areas when He speaks loud enough that I can't deny it. But I haven't been asking. I haven't been seeking Him in all that I do.
I live in such abundance. Yet I feel so justified in feeling deprived sometimes. I lack feelings of contentment with what I have by looking forward to what God will bring into my life in the future. How can this be?
And I know that I will still fail, but isn't it different when I am with Him and fail? When I am trying to live what He wants and fall short? Because I am not capable of not falling short. That's who I am and why Christ chose to die for me.
And how is it that I have never tried to understand how unfathomable God really is? Why and how could I lack reverence for Him in such the way that I did? How can I speak His words as I read them and not be touched? How can I be so...I don't even have a word for it...?
Last night as I sat in my small group and they were going over John 4 and asking the normal questions, I just had to stop. Things kept going around me, but I was lost in this world inside my head thinking, "These are the words of Christ. These are words spoken by GOD on this Earth. How can we speak them with such ease and carelessness? Where is the reverence for His words?" And we were studying His words. There was nothing wrong with how these words were being spoken. But I felt such lack of understanding of the magnitude of that.
And I think that part of it is that I don't stop to attempt to wrap my mind around how huge, great, marvelous, amazing God is. I can NEVER grasp it, it's just not possible. And since I knew that I didn't even try. But it's important to take time to try in vain to understand those things, because without that we will lack the feelings that should cause us to fall on our face before Him. We lack reverence. We are flippant with His name. We speak of Him with such casualty, and sometimes we toss Him around with less respect than we would our human friends.
Is it useless to share this with you? It just might be. And if someone thought for one second about their own life through reading my thoughts, well it wouldn't be credit to me. Because my words are feeble and still failing to God. BUT- He loves me anyway, and He takes pleasure in the fact that I am at least trying to please Him. (And I am not saying that writing this is my attempt at pleasing Him. I am talking about the rest of my life.)
Thank you Lord that when I ask you to bring justice to my lacking areas, my casual understanding of You, you convict and bring change. You clarify and deepen. You are mindful of me when I compare to you far less than if I were to have feelings toward a flea that equated my children. It is beyond my understanding and all I can do is express my gratitude. My gratitude which is still not as grateful as it should be toward you. Not even close.
1 month ago