I don't know exactly what I am saying, but I know it needs to come out. I have to share it NOW.

I know my Lord woke me tonight in the way He does when it's something of importance. But this time was a little different. I found no peace as I went through the "routine" of praying for what came to mind. Utter nerves and unease overcame still. So, I said to Him- I give up on the normal. Lord, pray what needs to be prayed.

And so I lay there in my bed. My heart finally at peace, knowing that He was speaking on behalf of me- who was found wordless. And then...then I was given words. Beckon His people to rise up from their sleep in this land and to call on the name of their Lord. Pray for us, friends. Pray for your fellow believers in this country. Pray that we would all rise up and listen to the promptings of His Holiness. Pray for us, that we would wake up and speak the truth boldly.

And then I felt unworthy. As if I am not worthy to bare this word. As if there is more than I know at stake, and I don't know what to do with it.

And I lay in bed wondering if I really wanted to get up this time and speak the words I was given because they make sense, but then they don't. Why does this feel SO important RIGHT NOW, Lord? I didn't get up for a minute. I tried to push away, like I always want to do. I tried to tell Him that I would do it in the morning, but He said no. Do it now. The feelings and words are fresh, so I will speak now.

What does this mean? I don't know. Just pray. The instruction isn't for the rising up though, so we don't have to know at this moment. The instruction is to PRAY that HIS PEOPLE would wake, rise, and be bold.

I wish that I could better stress to you how important I feel that this praying is. So, I pray right now that whatever of this word is from the Lord, that His Spirit would confirm that in you, who bare His Name. That He would speak of the importance to your heart and would give you words to pray like you have never prayed in your life.

And I pray that He would give you understanding of the importance and allow you to feel the unworthiness of the words to come off of your lips as you implore Him to overcome this people and wake our country's sleeping believers. Not because I want you to feel like dirt, because that's not what I am meaning. It's a level of reverence that I've actually never really felt before now (but have prayed that I would feel). And because when we feel that sense of reverence for Him, it helps with really understanding how blessed I am just to have the gift of calling on His name.

Just an Update

What's life been like here lately?

We've been sick. A lot. And we are finally feeling better and hoping it stays that way...but today Handsome decided to start feeling sick. He has skipped out on a lot of our illnesses, so hopefully he will get well quickly and not spread germs to the rest of the family.

We've been getting ready for spring. And we are EXCITED! Handsome and I built a raised vegetable bed and are waiting to get the soil to fill it. I had wanted to build it myself, but it turns out I had some issues with lack of strength due to pregnancy...and my husband put limitations on me that stated he was not cool with his growing wife using a sledge hammer with our incredibly rocky ground. I will not go into detail about the fun partner I was in making said raised bed. He may have wanted to shoot me at one point. (But it's okay, he didn't do it.) I'll have to share once we plant our little garden in all the areas of our yard...after things warm up a little bit.

Curly and I have been working on her school work again. She loves to learn and we hadn't been doing much since we got home with Gumby. We were just too busy with all kinds of things and getting a routine down. She is learning to count to 100 (with a chart), finally learning to write her name (which apparently the other kids at church know and she wished that she knew how too), and then just normal stuff like rhyming, same and different, shapes, and matching similar objects. She would do "schoolwork" all day at this point if I let her. BUT, we just do the morning so that we both don't get too worn out.

Gumby is learning to say all her letter sounds. She can repeat all of the sounds other than Q and X with ease, those are her two problem sounds. We are not at the point of knowing the letter sounds in association with the image, which I totally DON'T expect her to know yet. That's just our goal with the letters at this point. She enjoys watching Leap Frog's Letter Factory, so I let her watch it daily. That's how Curly learned all of her letter sounds in association with the letter by 18 months old. It's a great video that we have thanks to Vicky =).

Gumby and Smiles are great buddies. While Curly and Gumby like to play sometimes and are the two to share a room, Smiles and Gumby love to hang out together. Their language is at a very similar stage and they get along great...most of the time. I will say, however, that Gumby's favorite "sentence" is "Smiles, NO!", which she must have learned from my consistent saying of the phrase. She even points the finger at him when she says it...then she laughs.

Which brings us to the fact that those two really keep me on my toes with parenting. Smiles has really got me working in my mind right now to be creative. He's at that age where he is just a bit too young to really grasp some of the things that I would normally use. And he learns different than Curly ever did...so different parenting techniques are required for him to learn best. I can't tell you for sure what those techniques are yet, but I'll get back to you after the "experimentation phase" is complete. =D We are in a sort of trial and error phase to see what works for him. Right now he is learning to deal with his emotions, and he isn't doing so well. He thinks that a good way to respond when angry is to find the nearest person and hit them, even if they had nothing to do with the frustration. Also, fit throwing is in full swing. Curly learned quickly that her audience was not going to be anyone but herself if she threw a fit. That was enough for her. Being in her room while she threw it was plenty. Smiles....not so much. He will stop when he gets put in his room to throw the fit, but he is still just as likely to throw another one later. Perhaps he is just a little slower to learn this concept, we will see. He has also been short on sleep, which doesn't help.

Gumby...well, she is just going through her phases so quickly that as soon as I have something figured out, she moves on to the next thing. It's normal for her to go through all the stages that were either stunted or missed living in an institution, so this is to be expected. I just wasn't prepared for how quickly we would move from one "problem" to the next. Usually things last a week or two and each new thing surfaces within a week or so of the previous. She is a quick learner for some things, but others are not even conscious. Like things going in her mouth...this is something that happens all the time, but it's not even something she thinks about that much. And sometimes the things are gross...like a shopping cart. Can you say EWWWW!!! She just puts things in her mouth without thinking about it and I have to remind her constantly NOT to do it. This is more like a new thing that goes into our mouth every week. Like thumbs one week. We got that mostly down after two weeks or so (not doing it) and then we are doing hair. She is still doing the hair and loves to reach over with her tongue and grab a piece of hair to chew on. And when I say chew- I mean CHEW the heck out of it. (I was worried she was going to injure her thumbs.) There are other things too, but the mouth is the hardest thing we are working on with her.

Smiles is also learning good emotions. He has been dealing with anger, but also has been very loving and cuddly. I love that part. He wants snuggle time and shares kisses with me often. He is loving his baby sister too. He likes to lift my shirt and snuggle with her. I'm not sure he really understands, but he enjoys whatever he is thinking and understanding. For some reason he likes to put his feet on her, but he is VERY gentle about it, which is not like his normal little boy self. It's a little weird to be honest. But hey, we are a strange family!

I've been keeping the house mostly clean and organized. This takes most of my energy, so I haven't been spending much time with adults other than Handsome, but it works. The stress produced from a dirty house wears on me in a huge way right now, and as those who have known me through a pregnancy are aware, I get kind of hermity when I am in the later stages anyway. The focus on the little family is sharp, and everything else gets passed up for awhile. I think this has been good for Gumby too. We have all been able to bond and get a good routine that isn't messed with too much, and she seems to do really well with that. Perhaps that's another reason that I haven't been blogging as much. I just don't spend much time being social right now. (That doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. And I'm sure that I'll enjoy blogging more regularly again at some point.)

That's a good update for now. We'll have to do this again sometime soon *wink*.

Oh...and did I forget to mention my little tragedy that nobody else cares about at all? We lost Photoshop in the great computer fiasco of last month. Handsome couldn't get it to install again because of issues with the disk...so I will no longer be a Photoshop owner =(. So sad for me. I'm sure you are all weeping profusely on my behalf...or something like that...

I'm going to pout about that one for a little while longer. It's hard to overcome an addiction.

I'm a Partial Mother

I'll tell you ahead of time, this post may not flow very well. The writing may not be my best. The thoughts shared might be scattered.

But I've been holding back feelings and I realized that someone else might have those feelings too. Someone in a situation like ours. Or someone who might later experience these feelings.

It's just that sometimes I feel like a partial mother. Like I don't have the same rights as those that were blessed with their special needs children through birth. Like my thoughts and feelings aren't weighted the same. This is not something that I get from those parents, I fully recognize that these are feelings that I put on myself. None the less, they are still there...and I still feel them.

I'm sure that someday that will go away, when I've had Gumby long enough to feel confident enough that, were I to encounter criticism, I could defend myself...even if just to myself. But right now I don't have that.

I don't have the common bond over when we found out that Gumby has Down Syndrome. We didn't go through any feelings of anxiety, worry, sadness, loss of what we had imagined her life to be like before we knew. I don't have the experience of her first four years of life. I don't know when she hit her milestones and I didn't help her achieve them. I've done nothing so far to help her become the child that she is today. She is the person that she is because of someone else. Not because of our family.

This might be a petty thing to think about, I know. But I still feel it.

Sometimes I just want to say that I don't care about all the research and finding out all that I can about Down Syndrome. I know the things that are important to know for Gumby, but I don't spend that much time trying to figure out more. And quite frankly, I don't want to know what is typical for other kids and what her abilities might or might not be based on experiences of other people. All I want to know is what Gumby can do. Gumby will do what Gumby can do and it doesn't matter what people expect of her. It does however matter what I expect of her. If Handsome and I expect less of her than she is capable of, that will effect her greatly.

I want to say those things, but I don't. I don't say them because I'm afraid of offending someone that has been a parent in this different arena longer than I have. I'm afraid of someone being appalled by my statements and getting upset. I'm afraid of someone saying that I should do things a certain way or I shouldn't have adopted a little girl with DS, because obviously I'm clueless. Because I don't want to make anyone angry, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if my opinion is different than theirs.

So, I don't say much. I don't say much about how I feel in parenting Gumby because I'm a sort of outsider. Or so I feel.

I do figure that my feelings are the same as most parents in that I never want to limit Gumby by what people think can be her future. My thoughts don't ever dwell on things that limit her, only on the infinite possibilities and the amazement I feel in how quickly she is changing...and how smart she is.

So, while I am feeling brave against the normal limiting feelings I will say:

You don't know my daughter, just like I don't know your children. Don't assume she will not be able to catch up with kids her age in school because of her institutional background or her diagnosis. Don't assume that she will not live on her own as an adult. Don't assume she will not have a job just like your kid. Don't assume she will never get married. Don't assume that if she does, that person will fit into this category or that. Don't assume that she will never be a parent. Don't assume that she will not live a long and healthy life. Don't assume anything, just like you wouldn't assume anything about Curly's future.

Curly's future, Gumby's future, and Smile's future....they all belong to God. He, and He alone knows what that future holds. So please don't think you know anything that hasn't been shared personally with you about her, just because of a little test run on her blood that showed an extra chromosome.

(I would venture to say that those last feelings are ones that I am learning to feel that other parents have felt from the time their children were little.)

And if you are a parent working on adopting a child with special needs and you don't already have a child with special needs, just know that IF you feel like an outsider sometimes, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Blind Leading the Blind; Giant Bib Tutorial

So, you have messy kids like the ones you saw in my last post do you? And you are thinking to yourself, "There has to be a better way. A washcloth is just not cutting it!"

Well, have no fear! A tutorial for making a gigantic bib out of kitchen towels is here.

Before you get too excited, let me inform you of something very important. If you know how to sew at all, you are forbidden from reading this post.

Stop. I'm not kidding. Don't argue with me, it's not fair for you to sit there on the other end of the computer screen and laugh those post baby pounds right off at my expense. And that's just what you would be doing. So, I forbid it.

Okay, for those of you that are further allowed to read, we will struggle forward. But I warn, and I caution, I am NOT well versed in sewing. Let not the fancy machine or the made up sewing words deceive you. And promise me that you will NEVER tell my grandmother about this post. She would dig herself a grave just to roll over in if she knew that I didn't pick these things out fifty times until I got it right. (She's a perfectionist...and she sews like Dickens writes...hence my lack of interest in sewing.)

Okay. So, you will start by going to Target and buying one kitchen towel for each bib that you want to make in whatever colors you like. I chose to get 3 red, and 3 teal. One color for Smiles, and one color for Gumby. You could get all the fancy colors they have, which would be fun, but you will save money if you stick to a couple colors so that you don't have to buy as many colors of the next ingredient. Or you could get some that isn't the same color as your bib, but just coordinates with multiple colors. Whatever makes you smile.

Then head to the fabric store and pick out thread to match (no fancy stuff here...just the all purpose stuff) , and then some of this stuff...

(bias tape)

I'd be sure to get the wide stuff, but you don't need the quilt binding size (which I almost bought right next to it until I realized that it wasn't actually bias tape, but I'm sure it would function even if it did look funny). If you don't get the wide stuff then you might have some trouble. We reserve that for the people that are good.

And...well, we all admitted that we aren't so good at this sewing thing.

One pack should be good for about three bibs. At least that's what worked well for me.

Next, we get real fancy like. Find something in your home that is round and not really big. About the size of a roll of packing tape (duct tape would work too). Just be sure not to get too big! It may look small for your little one's neck, but trust me- this size is PLENTY big for any kid. And if you get too big then you will be crying. You'll cry because I will tease you and throw it in your face and say I told you so.

Okay...so I won't. We non-sewer folks have to stick together you know. But it will save you the cash that you would spend when you did find out that I was not lying to you.

Know how I know? Because my first try was trash because I cut WAY too big in the circle department. So be wise and learn from my mistakes.

Place your tape roll in the center of the width of the towel and about a Campbell's soup can (top of can on the hem, and bottom of can on the tape) length down the towel. See...fancy measurements for sure. And do make sure that you aren't using a family size can, though it would still do the job. You are trying to keep the front clean, so the back doesn't need all that fabric.

Next, trace around your tape roll...or whatever round thing you found. Perhaps it's a large container of yogurt, or the bottom of a mason jar. Trace around the outside of whatever the heck it is.

Now you should have your circle. (I didn't center perfectly. I just eyed it.)

Now you want to choose where you think the center of that circle is and cut straight down to it from the top hem of the towel. Like so:

Do that with all of your towels. And if you're like me, you won't throw those left over circles out. We're keeping them to make bean bags out of =).

Now you have reached the part that is my least favorite. My normal rule is- if it requires pins and you can't make do without them...DON'T DO IT. I hate pins. Apparently, my mother tells me this is due to the fact that I have mammoth pins and I need to buy "silk pins" (insert sassing my mother, nasal, I'm being obstinate because she's telling me what to do voice here). Who the crud knew there were different size pins anyway?!?

Whatever.

For the sake of my children's clothes, we trudge on and break the rules of no pinning. But nobody said it was going to look pretty.

Take your bias tape and open it up so that you can put the cut parts of your towel inside it. I started on the left side and worked my way around.

When you start, you will fold your bias tape just a tiny bit so that the ends are nice looking. (Like fold them up into the inside by 1/4 inch when you are pinning...does that make sense?) Then again at the other end when you are finishing.

This is mostly not too hard, except for the part where the circle meets the straight part. You have to do a corner...but if you can make your bed sheets, you can probably do this with a couple of tries.

Try to do a "hospital corner" like you do where the foot of the bed meets the side. Pin the straight side all the way up to the top, then you fold over making a sharp corner with your fold. After a few tries, or one if you are just really good like that, it should look something like this:

Pin it however you can make it work. I have no advice there...I just made it work as best I could.

I realized as I was writing that I didn't take any photos of the actual sewing. Go figure. I needed all of my hands to actually use the machine...because my skills are so advanced and all.

But all you need to do is start at the right side at the bottom. It will actually be the left side at the top because you will turn it around and feed into the machine with the edge at the top and the circle part near your belly. Hopefully that makes sense to you. I'm sorry that I am not more talented so that I could give you a photo example.

Work your way around the circle, sewing with your sewing machine foot on the bais tape. It's pretty much the size of the "tape" (which would adhere to the fabric if it worked like it sounds and that would make it much easier...who names these things?), so if you keep the stuff centered on the tape it should work okay.

And don't feel too bad if you go at the speed of molasses in winter. Cause it took me about 17 times the amount of time it would take one of those ladies I kicked out of our post. See why I did that now? A couple of other things. When you start and stop stitching, make sure to do that backwards stitching thing so that it will stay in for you. You don't want all your hard work to go out in the wash because then you would have to pin again. And we DON'T want to be doing that!

Once you get the neck part done, you are mostly finished and the rest isn't hard or precise at all.

Fold the bottom of the towel up to form a pocket. Try to make it straight...but it's not that necessary to be precise. It's a bib for Pete's sake. It's going to hold oatmeal and spaghetti! Put a pin in the top to hold it...and one in the bottom too. You know, since we have all that practice with it and all. Like so:

Also, do two to mark the middle. You'll sew about three quarters of the way up there so that your pocket isn't too flimsy. Or something like that. (I just realized that this photo was of the one where I did 3 pockets instead of two. I pinned at 1/3 and 1/3 on the towel. Not precise. But really, then I figured out that doing one in the middle was enough, and who wants to do more than they need to?! So you can just do one seam in the middle if you want to.)

Then you sew those. Straight line up and back stitch at the top of the pocket over the hem of the towel a few times to make sure it holds real well. (Back stitch all the way over the front and back of the hem- back and forth until the hem has been sewn over completely three or four times.) Go super slow here so that you don't break the needle because it's pretty thick. Like one stitch at a time, stopping-between-them slow.

You guessed it. I know that after breaking a needle. Yep, I like to learn the hard way. Again...learn from my mistakes. Trust me, it's not fun to learn how to use every function of your machine in one simple project.

Now, how are we going to get this bib to stay around the kid's neck? I'm glad you asked. We are going to use iron on Velcro. Who needs more sewing? Not me, that's for sure.

Take your iron on Velcro and stick it to the bottom section of the bib. Mine is cool and sticks like tape before you iron it. This makes it easy to be sure you have the Velcro in the right spot.


Now, take the top and put it over the bottom so that the sticky Velcro is covered up and on the non-hem part of the towel. Like this:

Next, we use our handy dandy iron on high heat with no steam. Make sure to get it good and hot. I'm sure the Velcro package will give instructions for this. Listen to what they say, it could be different for you than it was for mine.

Then flip it and heat up the other side. We want to make sure that both sides got good and heated so that they both adhere.

And there you go! You've got your bib that will keep even the messiest of kids clean.

As soon as the Velcro cools off, you are good to go on cleaning. Just wash it in the regular laundry.

I'll try to post a photo of the bibs on kids, but I'm still having trouble finding anything on this stinking computer. It's not my friend right now. AND we still don't have Photoshop installed. Ugh!

The Gender Difference...

I'm sorry....

...but the people that say boys aren't that much different than girls...

...never lived at MY house.

Apparently, proof is actually...

...in the oatmeal.

Fortunate and Unfortunate

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to blog for a bit. Perhaps this matters not to you, but I have had quite a few things (with photos) that I have wanted to post. BUT...we have had some major computer issues that kept me from accessing anything that was on our main computer...where my photos are all stored. The issue began RIGHT AFTER I downloaded some new photos too. It was quite frustrating to say the least.

Fortunately, I have a tech savy husband who was able to fix it. After a few days of very hard work and a new hard drive.

Unfortunately, he changed the location of my photos to keep them more safe and hasn't reinstalled Photoshop yet...so I don't know where to find the photos to put them up and I can't do any editing.

Fortunately, I know where one little folder is and I have a couple of photos that I had in fact edited already.

Unfortunately, there are many that hadn't been done yet. And I had to use some flash for some of them. And for some reason we got red eyes...which I don't even have issues with like...EVER.

Fortunately, Curly is cute even with red eyes.

Unfortunately, it might be a little while before I can get those lovely photo posts up that I have been wanting to share.

Fortunately, I am going to stop typing now and get to some pictures for you =D.

Smiles

This boy makes my heart flutter.

Gumby

She was wearing a white shirt...sometimes it's best to remove the shirt while eating for Smiles and Gumby. (Depending on color of course.)

Curly

See those poor little red eyes =(...I'll get to fix that later.

...and here she makes sure to share her usual photogenic self...

Today's Thoughts...Which Apparently Requires Lots of Italics

Sitting in church today, my mind was full. Full of realization. Full of comprehension.

It’s God’s way to use the simple, to speak through who and what we do not expect. That’s not to say that I don’t expect to learn from the pastor, but I also recognize that this man is no extravagantly gifted speaker. He always speaks of simple things, but this allows God to work and get the glory. When I walk away after hearing Pastor “T” speak, my mind is not on Pastor “T”. If God has spoken, it’s clearly God. When I say that, I mean this, the message is designed and planned out to say one thing, but ends up teaching me something entirely different than the intent…something that works into my life with perfection because of key words that bring my mind to understand the ways of God a little better. Do you understand what I mean? I hope so.

The message is usually a story or principle that I have heard many times, spoken in a way that a child could understand as clearly as an adult. My mind is never thinking about how smart Pastor “T” is, or what an amazing sermon he prepared this week. Nope. He doesn’t leave me focused on him. A man of humble means never does. I think that is why God uses those that we wouldn’t see as strongly suited to something. Because of that, it’s clear to see where God’s Spirit has worked and to recognize Him as God, not the effect of a man’s gifts.

The first thing that my mind stayed fixed on was this- God sees men as who they will someday be, not who they are today. I suppose that is one of the benefits of being outside of time. He knows who I will be at the end of this life and during the between, and He blesses me with the grace necessary while I become. I become. This entire life, I become…though I am not. Though I am weak, though I am prideful, though I am uncontrolled in my temper, though I am afraid- God sees me as one that I have no clear vision of. Who I will be when He calls me home to Him is not for me to know. The process of getting there without knowing where there is remains a large part of what shapes and refines.

I have long thought that the way the Spirit of God works is to fill in the places where I need filling. What I am capable of doing, I do. When I reach the part where I need Him, He steps in. Now, I wonder if this is so true. Today I thought, my best days would be if I remembered to pray, with the desire to beg though I know it not necessary, that any part of me should be prevented from entering this day. I mess things up. I can’t handle it all, and I know that when I can, He is in control.

There was also a misprint in my understanding of how I recognized the Holy Spirit was at work. When I felt good feelings and the goose bumps that can accompany His presence- that was Him. That was knowing that He was there. (I knew that He was always there, but I guess I imagined Him sometimes dormant or something.) But these days I recognize a more subtle presence as well. I know that He has taken over because life is not chaos and I am making it. I am not loosing it and I can keep myself under control. And the funny thing is, it’s not that I have asked or prayed that today He would prevent me from the wreckage that is my choices, that is my lack of good judgment, that is my imperfection. No…it just seems that He does it. Mostly, I feel like me. I just feel like a different me. If I were not aware that it was the presence and work of the Holy Spirit, which honestly could be easily done because of the subtlety, I would just think I was having a good day. I was doing well and enjoying life.

But there are days when He lets me see that He doesn’t have to be there. He alone makes the choice of how much He will do for me each day. Some days it seems He wants me to try a little harder, but it doesn’t get too far out of comfortable, just enough to grow a little. Then there are days that I am surer than sure are just to remind me that I am a wretched soul were it not for Him. To remind me that were He not there I would not be who I sometimes think I am…who others might think I am. A little reminder that – hey, I’m here and I’m doing what I promised I would do when you gave your life to me. Those are days that make me feel shameful about who I really am. Those are the days I see myself as who I would be were it not for the transforming power of Christ. Those are the days that I don’t see myself as He sees me at all. And I do know that it’s not God’s desire for me to see myself as such, but I can also be such a prideful being and reality is a hard hit.

The second thing, a simple statement about God adopting us as His children. I thought on that. On the way we are adopted and the way that God also sees us as who we will be, not as who we are. I also read this week something about the difficult times in the start with children who have attachment issues. Our adoption, thankfully, did not bring us up against this. But many parents must deal with some very terrible things before their child is ready to show who they really are. Some children have to overcome some very painful things first. The author of this post stated that at this difficult point, the child is not your child, they are just a ball of behaviors, and you can’t love a bundle of behaviors.

When God adopts us, we are just a bundle of worldly behaviors. Thankfully, He created us and He knows who we are before we do. He is able, unlike a human adoptive parent, to actually love us from the start and doesn’t have to just go through the motions until real love develops.

As I watch Ana develop so quickly and grow and mature at a rapid rate now that she is home with us, loved and given the opportunity to do so, it helps me to relate to God and His love for me. The way He feels about me. There is something special that you can try to imagine, but it’s so different from the parent side of things, when a child that was written off by the world and thought to be incapable of amounting to anything comes home to love, and the expectation that she can. And then she does. “You believe I can do this mom? You really think that I can count for something?” She says inside herself, surprised that something is expected, even though she knew she was able to do more than they ever asked. “You are right mom.” She smiles in her heart with pride in herself, “I can be worth something. I am worth something.” And I think to myself, “Honey, you won’t just be part of this world, you will change it. You will change it because you are loved by God and you’ll know it.”

How many children are left? Really, that’s what I thought about. How often are children left unloved because it’s not the right time? It’s not the best time for me to adopt, but I would love to when my kids are a little older. I think someday I might adopt a child when my finances are in better order. I’ve thought about adoption in the future, but…(you fill in the blank). How many kids are left without love, IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, because it’s not the right time?

Then I thought, yes, not everyone is supposed to adopt. But it’s like that with so many things that God would have us do. We aren’t willing to step out in faith because we are still looking at life through the eyes of preparation and the world’s view of responsibility. And here I am sounding like I’m preaching at you. That’s really what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to share my heart and my thoughts about me…

See, we have some things we are working on. Decisions to make. Some are trivial, some pretty important, and I had to look at myself with honesty today and ask why I was thinking the way I was. Why did my preferences lie where they did? And I realized that the reasons that I wanted to lean in the direction I wanted to lean were not the reasons that mattered. The reality of the matter is that I still think in terms of “when I’m ready” instead of “when I am asked”. The point is that God asks when I am NOT ready. If I did things when it made sense, then I would be doing things in my own time. I would be doing things in my own power if I did them when it was a good time. And does that make any sense at all? Because the God I know likes to make His power known. He is all about loving people and changing lives, but that’s not all He is about. He is about making His power known in the process and bringing GLORY to HIS NAME in the process. If I want to wait until I’m ready…I am missing the point.

When it’s the right time requires little faith. When it’s the “right time” might never come. When it’s the “right time”, it won’t really require the power of the Holy Spirit to do it, will it? The “right time” is wanting to do something for the wrong reason. I think then it might be that I am thinking about my glory instead of God’s…if I’m being totally honest here. Pride is a very dangerous and deadly thing.

And these were my thoughts today.

Gumby Love

I just wanted to make sure you all know, as I am pretty sure you do, that even though we aren't at the same place in our relationship as the mother child relationship with Curly and Smiles, I do love this little one. I love her so much more than any other child that I did not birth myself. We learn more about each other everyday and we grow that bond all the time. I no longer feel like I am taking care of someone's child. She is mine.

While I know that other adoptive parents do understand what I am talking about, I wanted to make sure that those that haven't adopted know that- while we aren't there, we are certainly progressing in the process. And the process is already totally worth every part of the relationship gained.

I figured you all knew that, but I had to make sure. (And really, who couldn't love that face?)

A Lot Like Forgiveness

Learning. It's always going on, doesn't stop our whole lives. Though I do think that as adults we have more difficulty learning instead of just repeating the same lessons because we have to actually look for them.

There are experiences in my past that deal with forgiveness. I still have a hard time not harboring negative feelings when wronged, but I have learned some things about forgiveness. Forgiving deep hurt. It's definitely not in the easy category, that's for sure.

When someone has an offense against you that is on the high end of painful and it would be understood by all if you didn't forgive...if you just closed the door on the person who clearly trampled on your "rights" as a human being, it's very painful to extend forgiveness. Sometimes the person doesn't even want or think they need you to forgive them.

The thing is, there are stages and levels of forgiving and in the beginning it's a lot about going through the motions and not feeling it. That's something that people say all the time, but I guess things like that don't become cliche for no reason. When your decision to forgive a person who has hurt you starts, you may not feel like it. You may have to talk those feelings of resentment right out of your mind and you may have to try really hard not to be mean or cry every time you see them. But it does get easier and you do move on and grow as you continue making the choice to forgive. You do start to loose the feelings of hurt. You do start to see the person for who they really are again as opposed to seeing them through the goggles of offense.

I'm learning that love can be a lot like this too. Some people you fall in love with right away. You choose the spouse that you do because they make you feel a certain way. It doesn't usually start out as work and by the time you have to work through any major issues it's usually far enough in that you have built a foundation that you can work on top of. Most people wouldn't marry someone without having "sparks" at this point. I'm sure there are some, but marriage is about "love" and not "duty" these days. When you bring a baby home from the hospital, there are feelings that grow between you and that baby. You fall in love pretty quickly, and while you don't actually choose the child you will be birthing, God has given us a bond that comes from a spawning a little drooler that comes forth from your gene pool. There are even friends that we just click with from the start. Friendships that are easy to cultivate and just happen naturally. Usually with people that have lots of similarities to us that we can relate to well.

But what about the relationships that don't come quite that easy? It seems we are to love all of God's children as we love ourselves, not just the ones that come easy. The socially awkward people that you don't really know how to react or respond to. The neighbor who has the exact opposite opinion on politics or religion from you. The family member that everyone dreads seeing at family visits because they make everyone feel so awkward. These are all people we are called to love as ourselves. Right?

Well, I am not good at that. I am not good at cultivating love.

God gives us situations that force us to work out our issues and learn what we need to learn if we let Him. If we choose to learn the lessons He sets out before us. Ana is my "love child". (I know that means something different, but who cares.)

I don't love Gumby like I love Curly and Smiles yet. That's just the truth. When she is being naughty, it's easier for me to feel upset with her quicker. She teaches me patience. When she cries, it doesn't bring out maternal feelings as often. I just want her to stop. I am her mother anyway. When her diaper is filled with solids, it often makes me feel ill (she still has institutional smelling diapers). I change her diaper anyway, just like I would Smiles. I have no choice but to go through the motions most of the time. Sometimes I fail her. I am not the perfect mother to any of our children. I loose my temper and I mess things up. But everyday I am growing just like them.

While my heart and thoughts may differ still, the actions are made the same anyway. I act toward her as I would the others as much as I can. Messing up this time doesn't mean that I have to give up for next time. I can't give up. She is here to stay. She is my daughter today...no matter how long it takes for me to feel that way.

And you know what? While I grow in my patience and while I practice love in those times that I really don't want to, love grows. Just like when I walk through the motions of forgiveness and eventually start to feel like I've forgiven...when I walk through the motions of love when I don't feel it, real love starts to grow too.

Painting Stripes Tutorial

So...now we finally talk about how to paint perfect stripes- without any bleed-through of paint.

I first want to start by telling you that it is true. Prep work is the most important part of painting and the details that you pay attention to during that time will make or break your finished product.

The first step is to paint your base color. Now, with Smiles' room here I did a light blue on top and dark blue on bottom, with red stripes in between. So, for my room, I painted (with the help of Handsome's mom) the top part light blue and bottom dark blue. No need to be perfect in this section, though you do want to make sure that your line is within the range of level. I chose to go around the room with a laser level and put up a strip of tape to show my line. This way I kept within my boundaries with no question.

Next, after the base color is done, you decide how thick you want your stripe/stripes to be and where you want them to be. I recommend using a laser level like this:


There is a pin that sticks into the wall, then you hang the level on it.


The laser has an auto level setting and it will bounce up and down until it finds "level", then you just take your tape and follow it's edge along the line of the laser. Easy as pie!


Make sure you let the paint dry well before putting tape up by the way. If it's not good and dry then you will have problems later.

First go around the room for the top of your stripe and then the bottom of your stripe. If you go with more than one stripe then you will need to do the top and bottom for both. I decided to have my section between stripes be the thickness of my roll of tape (because I am lazy), so that counted as the top of the bottom stripe and the bottom of the top stripe. See the middle strip of tape there? That's the one I am referring to. (Pay no attention to the "off" color there. That's just where my tape guide that didn't matter between light and dark blue was...)


Still with me?

Okay. So you get your tape up. Next comes the hard work, which is also VERY important work. I can't stress to you enough how important it is that you do this next part very thoroughly. It's the step that determines if you have any touch up to do or not...and with stripes, you do not want to have to do touch up. ICK.

Step 1: Go around the room and rub the parts of the tape that will be touching the stripe color firmly. You are trying to get all spaces out from between the tape and the wall so that paint can't get through. Handsome was my beautiful assistant for this part and he liked using an outlet cover. You know, those things that keep us from getting into the outlet when we want to...all in the name of protecting our children, when in reality Smiles has NO issue getting them out...yep those things. Handsome used the rounded edge part of the top. It didn't scratch the wall, but got good contact for wall and tape. Use whatcha got. Mothers are inventive people.

Step 2: Now is the interesting part. I'm sure you know step 1, but step two is GG's secret (from a painting book I think). GG is my mom's mom.

Go around the room again and fill ALL the stripe-touching parts of the tape with paint in the color that is under the tape. Does that make sense?

So...in this case, the very bottom strip was "filled" with dark blue, all other parts were filled with light blue.

I think an illustration is required here...

In the photo above, I have started brushing paint in an upward motion on the top and downward motion on the bottom strip of tape. Both are in light blue because both have light blue under the tape. Got it?

Now, let's elaborate on the detail part. You want to make sure you fill all the gaps in the tape with the base color of paint. Any gap that is left will fill with the stripe color of paint. We don't want this. (You can see an example of bleed-through on the odd colored stripe that was left from my tape between blues earlier in the photo above...not pretty.)

The good thing is, you can pretty easily see the gaps...at least, I think so. If you have vision that requires glasses then I am not sure. Here is what you are looking for:


Can you see it there? It helps to fill your brush often without too much paint because you don't want the paint to drip, but you do want it to fill the gaps. You will want to brush in the direction that you are wanting to fill. If you are filling the "down" part of the tape, then brush down. It fills better. (On a side note, filling the downward part is much easier than if you are doing the "up" or sides for vertical stripes.)

Finish this the entire way around the room and let it dry.

Step 3: If you are using a color that requires primer, as my red did here, then this is the time to prime your stripe zones. Paint the inside of the stripes with the primer. I have not captured this part in photos for you, but I do want to say that if primer is recommended- by all means, USE IT! Don't try to skimp when you need primer. You will be happy in the end if you do this bit of prep work.

If you don't know when to use primer, always ask the person in your paint department when you buy the paint. Tell them what color will be going over what and they can usually help you. Red almost always will need primer, but especially when you are going over a light color.

Step 4: Paint your stripe color in the stripe zone. That part between the tape = the stripe zone. Do as many coats as necessary to get an even coat. I also recommend buying one of the little rollers for this. It makes for much prettier stripes with no brush marks. Because who wants to see the brush strokes?!? Not me!

Step 5: Let the paint dry.

Step 6: Peel off the tape! Now you have your stripes. (The tape is the most fun part, don't you think? It's like revealing the new room. I love it!) You should be revealing perfect stripes if you have done all your prep work properly. See how smooth and crisp that line is?

This is where I did the work of my stars. If you want to do something like that then you have to figure it out mostly on your own. I taped my stars out on the wall, filled the tape like I would with stripes around the inside part of the stars. Then after letting it dry I used my primer, then painted my coats of red paint letting it dry between each. You can cheat on something so small as a star with a hair dryer if you want to hurry things. Don't get too close to the tape, as you don't want to heat it to the wall and make it impossible to get off. It will make your time between coats a little less long.

And yipee skipee, you now have stripes.


I also have large paper mache letters with Smiles' name in red that go above his crib, but they were drying when I took these photos...and I like to keep his name private from weirdos on the web anyway...but that's another idea for you if you like.